Is my (28F) husband (31M) gaslighting me?

I have never posted on reddit before, just enjoyed reading/listening to them and giving my opinion. I guess it is my turn to receive your opinion.

A little background:

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 19. We have been together for 12 years and have 2 small children. Over the course of those years on numerous occasions I have thought about leaving but was always afraid. I grew up in a very chaotic home full of DV, drugs, emotional abuse/neglect, physical neglect and moved A LOT (I have more than 12 schools on my transcript) My husband is very aware of my upbringing. My husband also grew up with some trauma. His parents separated when he was 15/16, moved when he was little but lived in that same house the rest of his life until he moved out on his own, his older brother was the main source of his trauma, and he was bounced back and forth between home school and public school. He also grew up going to church multiple times a week. I remember going to church a few times. We both didn’t get an easy start to life. I tell you this so you can understand both of our sides more.

So here are the examples I need to know if he is gaslighting, emotionally abusive, etc or if it is me.

1. I moved in with him right after I turned 18. About a year into us living together I find out that he was texting his ex he had right before me. He hid it from me but eventually told me about it and I told him okay. I snooped and looked at the messages and multiple times the ex asked him if I was okay with them talking and he replied yes even before he told me about it. About a week later I told him I was not okay with it and they stopped talking. As far as I know they haven’t talked since.

2. He had a huge addiction to porn and knows I view that the same as cheating. At times I would go through his search history and see if he has watched porn and when I would casually ask if he has he would lie to me. He then started to hide it from me by using the incognito tab. I got to the point where I would let him record me so he had that to watch instead even though I hate it. He knows I don’t enjoy it but do it for him. He also hadn’t offered to stop after he knew I don’t enjoy it. He says he hadn’t watched porn since then.

3. He often will tell me that I have said or done things that are so out of character for me that it doesn’t make sense. When I will tell him that doesn’t sound like something I would do or say he always chuckles and laughs and tells me I am the one with the bad memory. Granted I do have poor memory due to trauma and undiagnosed adhd. And recently he has been getting upset if I call him out on it or if I don’t believe him.

4. When I express my concerns or what’s bothering me in our relationship he will always start crying and changing the conversation to him and his childhood. Then will ask me what he can do to be better because I “deserve better” so I will tell him. Things will be good for no more than 2 weeks then he goes back to how he was like our conversation never happened. I will ask him what I can improve on and 99% of the time he tells me nothing. Then I feel like all I do is complain and feel guilty.

5. I struggled with opening up about my feelings and would often dissociate. The best way to describe it would be my mind would go literal white like a white wall and I couldn’t get my mouth to move. Sometimes it took me about 24 hours after to finally be able to talk to him about it. This would upset him because he wanted to know what was wrong so he could “fix it”. He would pressure me to open up to him. With years of practice (or forcing myself) I can now tell him what is going on within a few hours. Because of this and number 4 I find myself pushing my feelings down to avoid arguments with him or the constant disappointment.

6. I usually sleep in on the weekends because I work at night while he watches the kids. Our kids would wake up around 7am and I would wake up between 9-10am. For months when I woke up the kids weren’t fed and were already hangry (if you have kids you know). I am obviously annoyed because of it. He will tell me he didn’t feed them because they said they weren’t hungry. I have told him so many times to just make them breakfast and give it to them – not to ask if the are hungry. They are 6 and younger of course they don’t want to stop watching TV to eat or think about what they want to eat.

One morning he and our son went to the store and left my daughter who is 6 unsupervised while I was asleep. He didn’t wake me up to tell me he was leaving, didn’t text me, he took my vehicle and his truck keys, and she wasn’t fed. From the time I woke up to when he got back he was gone for 30 minutes. He said he went to 2 car part stores, a garage sale and coffee shop all within the 30 minutes. I call bs. He gets upset with me for being mad at him. Never apologizes for leaving her unsupervised.

1. We lost the kids ssn cards after opening them a bank account and I was panicked. I told him about it and he didn’t seem phased at all or even help me find them. A few months go by and they magically appear in my top dresser drawer. I only use my dresser for clothes and know for certain I would have put the cards back in their safe spot that they were before we went to the bank. When I told him where I found them he chuckled and said he didn’t do it so it must have been me while still smiling. I was so upset he found that funny. It still doesn’t make sense when he uses his top drawer to keep things. That evening he told me sorry and he must have put them there and didn’t remember. It felt like a fake ass apology to get me to stop being upset.

2. He will frequently jokingly me I am stuck with him forever and if I ever try to leave he will lock me in a closet. He also tells our kids they will never have step parents because mommy and daddy will never get divorced.

3. I am wanting to start an in home daycare. For the first year I plan on working my current job while doing the daycare so I can focus on paying off debt quickly. My husband will casually tell me he thinks I should quit my current job and not do both even though he knows why I want to do both for a year.

4. I have told him multiple times what my love language is and I love to be romanced and how that looks for me. He tells me he isn’t romantic, it doesn’t come naturally for him, he doesn’t know how, or his parents weren’t romantic. I think it shouldn’t be a chore if you truly love the person you will pick up on the ways they feel loved. I have even told him exactly what he should do.

5. I often wish he would cheat on me so I had an excuse to leave

That’s everything I could think of for now. I know the answer is more than likely to get divorced. I am just worried how that will look like with 2 small kids. I have been trying so hard to give them a childhood they don’t have to heal from and it breaks my heart that I might not be able to do that. I have also contemplated staying until the kids are adults then divorcing but I am worried that wouldn’t be healthy for them either.

Please help