Our baby is a few weeks old and is a lovely happy girl. We have no set schedule yet other than a bedtime routine. During the day I follow her cues, hunger, tired, comfort etc. For a while my husband has been making comments about how “easy” my job is being able to stay home with her, having help around the house a few days a week. He is very critical of my skills as a SAHM. Before I was a mom I worked, and I completed my masters while pregnant (for context- I’m not used to being a homemaker). I try my best, I’m tired, a bit lonely and I’m sensitive to critical comments as I can only do my best. If I complain (for example) about having no friends, I am never met with sympathy and always “well you don’t go out enough” ummm hello? Never mind my newborn I’ve never left before? Anyway. I made him spend one whole day with her to show him what it was like. He struggled, and had to come to me multiple times for help in which I refused. I said you need to figure it out, this is what it’s like, it’s no different for me. He freaked at the nappy change, could not get her to sleep, and destroyed her bottles by putting them in the dishwasher instead of the steriliser.
At the end of the day i ended up having to take over, and afterwards I came to him to ask if he appreciates now that what I do is not easy and to my shock he rebutted with an accusation that I have created no structure, he disagrees with my parenting style and that I have made it hard for him on purpose. I was shocked, I explained that I can’t force a 7 week old into “structure” even as much as I wish I had that for my own sake. Never mind that he’s only done one day and I do the overnights by myself, I would love some structure and some genuinely good help from him.
I yelled.
I often wonder if I am better off moving back in with my family for better support and leaving him. Am I unfair? Is he?Are we both being unfair? I did not create any of this on purpose, I just wanted to be seen and appreciated. Structure will come, it’s just too early for her.
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He’s being unfair. You live to the baby’s schedule when you have a newborn. It doesn’t care what else you have going on, it needs to be fed and changed at certain times.
Your husband just told you that he will literally never respect what you do. No matter what, it will be your fault in his eyes. Do with that what you will.
Leaving him as in permanently or until you need help with the baby?
Your husband is very much a stereotype, the “your job is easy because you’re home all day” type of person. When he takes over your supposedly easy job he fucks it up in every conceivable way. Essentially, he’s an overworked and stressed out man with an ego too big for the work he’s doing. He thinks he knows best because to him a job is a job, doesn’t matter the skill set involved, but he lacks the knowledge and competence to do the job at your level; he can’t handle that disconnect.
There is another side to this. You say you want help and structure, but do you actually allow your husband to help or are you so used to doing it yourself that it becomes an internal struggle of you needing to take over just so the job is done right.
With all due respect, your husband is an immature idiot.
Your husband is an ass. Stay with your parents while you decide what to do.
Why would you stay with someone who’s nasty to you?
Sounds like he did absolutely no research or prep for his new role. Does he even care about being a father? My daughter’s father knew everything I knew by the time she was born, because he cared enough to read and do research. He changed all diapers for the first three months – he took leave from work, so this is not feasible for everyone, but it’s the general attitude of “this information is important to me in my new role” and “this role is not important to me, therefore I will learn nothing and be unprepared”.
Yes, he is being ridiculous. There’s no “parenting style” with a newborn lmao, unless you count “surviving by the seat of your (likely dirty) pants.”