Throwaway account. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have been married for three. Our relationship progressed incredibly quickly at the beginning. We started dating, and I moved in almost immediately. We have been together since very early adulthood, so we often joke about how we grew up together in a sense. We were in college for the majority of our relationship and are finally establishing ourselves in our careers. I love my husband, and he has always been my top priority. He is funny, passionate about his interests, flexible, intelligent, brave, and works incredibly hard. I would do anything for this man and root for him in everything. I, however, never feel like he truly loves me, or even likes me. He never brings up issues and is generally agreeable, and I used to see this as a positive. For some additional context, we both have had significant struggles with our mental health, and I have some childhood trauma that I don’t want to explain further. We have, and are, on medication. He is not interested in therapy. I have seen a therapist for years. Through extensive therapy, I have recently focused on improving my communication skills, self-regulation, and developing a stronger sense of self. Through this process, and recognizing my faults and triggers, I realized my husband also struggles with these things but seems unwilling to address these issues. A marriage is all about growing together, and just because I am in a place to work on myself does not mean my husband is also ready. This process has me reflecting on our relationship and how many things that have happened over the years have hurt me (not believing a suicide attempt, telling me to grow up and stop bringing up childhood abuse). Our relationship, up until recently, has been fairly steady with only a few big fights, as long as I haven’t complained. Again, he never complains. Over the years, I would share less and less because I knew reaching out with problems would only cause arguments. He would rightfully bring up that he has to drag issues out of me. I am not a perfect partner. I am insecure, jealous, and anxious; these are all things I am working on improving. I have worked on sharing and communicating more, but unfortunately, it has only led to more issues. He now has a hairpin temper, and the slightest thing will set him off on a rampage of yelling, and the rest of the day will be ruined with sulking. I am struggling with the feeling that I need to communicate, but also the worry about what will happen when I do. He has said I try to make him feel guilty for everything, but I am really not trying to nitpick. I hate that I come across that way, and it impacts him. I have tried to preface my statements with the fact that I am expressing my hurt and that I am not mad at him, but rather I want to tell him how I am feeling. He says I always assume the worst, and he has never given me any reason to worry, and he is tired of hearing the same thing constantly, and he is just a dumb guy (his words, not mine). He also says he walks on eggshells around me, and I really hate that. I don’t want him to constantly worry about me monitoring him or trying to catch him slipping up. I have asked how I might deliver the message differently, but he isn’t sure. He says men don’t talk about their feelings, and that it’s hard for him (I can recognize the societal structure of the world and how this is a valid point). These arguments always end with a “sorry, I am shit” response from him, but he never truly apologizes for how his actions impact me.
I know I don’t need to bring up every small grievance. This is not a complaint about forgetting to pick up the dog poop or take out the trash. I try to address things that repeatedly happen and truly hurt me. He plays video games most nights as soon as he gets home, and I feel like an afterthought. He doesn’t try to share my interests with me, so I feel like I am not worth knowing. He doesn’t ask me about myself, or remember when I have important presentations or meetings, so I just don’t feel like a priority. He doesn’t consistently celebrate my birthday. When I am talking, he often isn’t listening and is looking at his phone. However, he is my top. priority. I am not looking to spend every second together, but I would/and do always put him first. I see my friends multiple times a week, but if he wanted to watch a soccer match, I would pick that to share with him. I want him to feel loved and celebrated. I plan big parties and decorate the house for him. I will make special treats. I always make a point to stop what I’m doing when he gets home and hug him. I try to always look good for him. I work out, I wear flattering clothes, I do my hair and makeup. I ask him about his day and what his friends are doing. I look into his interests so I can discuss them with him. I notice when there is a book, movie, or game he would like, and bring it up or get it for him. I never say no to intimacy because I recognize physical connection is as important as emotional connection. I would never make him “earn” these things. I will not stop doing these things for him, because I love loving him. I pour so much into him, and I feel like I don’t get much in return (I am not doing things so I get them reciprocated; love is not transactional). At the beginning of the relationship, though, I would receive flowers, love notes, and he would stare into my eyes, telling me he adored me. I am not trying to vilify him. I realize long-term love looks different over the years. He will buy a book if he thinks we both would enjoy it. He refills my water bottle every night. He always encourages me to try new things when I mention them and to buy the items I want for myself. He comforts me if I am having a panic attack and helps me when I am sick. He looks out for my dietary restrictions when we’re eating out. He once stood up to his father, who was making inappropriate comments that made me uncomfortable. I worry I am too sensitive now, and I am spoiling things with my insecurity and anxiety. He often says all relationships have similar dynamics, and comparatively, our relationship is great. I worry that inappropriately managed depression causes him to need constant escapism (he also smokes weed nonstop), so that he doesn’t have any capacity for me. The worst worry, however, is that he doesn’t love me at all; he loves how I love him. I don’t know what to think. What is normal? I want other opinions. I also want to point out that I view marriage as a commitment; I promised for better or for worse. I would like advice on ways to manage my feelings or how I can better support him.
TL;DR: I love my husband and would do anything for him, but I question whether he loves me or just how much I love him. I’m wondering if his mental health is causing him to struggle and if he is not yet in a place where he is ready to work on things like communication and uses escapism. I wonder if my insecurities and anxieties are exaggerating the problem. Long-term love can look different than the honeymoon phase. Most troubling is that I worry he doesn’t love me. I love loving him, and I don’t want to treat him differently based on how he treats me. I am married and committed to him. How do I manage this?