I (26F) have been in a relationship with my fiancé (26M) for 8 years now. I have been thinking about the future of our relationship for quite a while now and I’m wondering if I’m being too dramatic – I need advice.
Our relationship started to be a bit rocky 5 years ago when his dad got a cancer diagnosis. He started to be depressed and anxious, which lead to him sometimes snapping at me and saying things like “I don’t care about your problems, I have enough on my plate” when I was telling him about some of my issues. I understand from the outside it may look a bit out of place to talk about your problem during this time but you have to know his dad was sick for 2 years so at some point, you can’t not talk about your issues. However I let his comments slide since he wasn’t in a good position.
A few months after his dad died (3 years ago), we bought our current house. Before that, we didn’t live together. During this time, we had do some renovations which stressed him out and he was very snappy at me, screaming, etc. To be honest, it’s a bit of a blur but I do remember instances where I was blame because the diner was ready before he was done with his house work and because of me his diner was gonna be cold and that it was not fair that I got to eat warm and not him. I also let it slide because I knew he was pretty depressed. He tried to consult, didn’t work out. When we were done with the little renos, the screaming continued but less often. For example, we bought a sofa which was delivered with a tear. The delivery guys confirmed they couldn’t take it back and i had to call the customer service. When my fiancé came back to work that day he exploded on me because I should have forced them to take it back. Again, I let it slide because he was sad.
Face forward to this summer. Our basement got floded during the big rain in August. It was an enormous task to rebuild everything. And we are not even completely done yet (almost tho!). Fortunately we are pretty comfortable financially so it was not too bad. However, it was still really stressful and he really put his anger on me. We had a lot of hiccups during the renos, like wrong delivery or some contractors that did minor errors. During this time, I was the one supposed to manage all of this because I work from home and if you work from home, you know it’s not like I have 100% of my time available. So sometimes contractors left the job without me having the time to check because they finished right in the middle of my meetings. When my fiancé came home to see little issues he always screamed at me that i was incompetent, stupid, everything was my fault, there is nothing I can do right etc. He always came back saying he is sorry. He said he is open to see a therapist but the waiting time here is insane to see one so we haven’t been but are on wait list. He started to take anxiety medications. I really want for us to work but everytime we have a contractor come I start to shake because of the anxiety of what my fiancé could see that I cannot and the fear of being screamed at. I’m wondering if I’m too sensitive.
I don’t know what to do. I love him, he is newly taking medication, and the renos are almost over. But the last time he was mad he told me it was the first time he felt like he wanted to break up and I wasn’t affected like I thought I would be… I don’t know what to do
PS. We aren’t planning the wedding right now just because we wanted to prioritize our money to the basement. It’s a mutual decision not a red flag
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Suggest you and he get into some ‘premarital counseling’. It may be determined during this that he needs some additional individual work with a grief counselor. If he was perfectly lovely right up until his father’s diagnosis and has been edgy since then it’s possible he just hasn’t been able to grieve properly.