edit: i really thought no one would read this and am absolutely floored at the outpouring of love and support i have received. I did ofc know deep down that this isn’t ok, but the gaslighting has worked and i’m struggling to trust myself and my gut. It’s really hard to accept that someone you love is gaslighting you. Having almost 150 people take the time to reassure me that something is wrong—and he’s not just jealous but abusive—gave me the confidence i needed. Thank you ❤️
i (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (22M) for about 1.5 yr. the past 8 months have not been pretty. to put it shortly – i feel like my boyfriend is controlling and manipulative, but whenever i try to talk to him, i feel like the conversation is spun back on me and im left feeling like im the bad guy. i really would like an outside perspective to tell me if i am falling for gaslighting bs.
i feel like we can’t have real conversations about my concerns.. the conversation spins so far away from what i intended, and it’s usually a back-and-forth over something small while he misses the big idea. often when i say something, he will say it’s not true or i misremembered. for example, he has gone through my phone 3 or 4 times, and when i said this, he says “I only did it twice.” I said no, and he tells me i am lying and always spin things against him. and i end up having to comfort by the end of this, i’m too exhausted to have the real convo.
while i can recognize that this is toxic, this pattern makes me question whether i am actually just crazy and delusional..:( i feel like i can’t trust my own perceptions of things. like if i perceive him as being hurtful, i must be wrong, bc he loves me so much he would never hurt me.
these are some of my concerns:
none of my friends have liked him after meeting him. whenever I bring this up to him, he says that my friends only see my half of the story & i am misconstruing things .. and more recently “all of your friends hate me and i feel like it’s everyone against me.”
i think he is controlling and possessive. he doesn’t like me going to bars with my girlfriends (i should only go to bars if he is there.) he is uncomfortable with my male and lesbian friends and doesn’t really want me to hang out with or talk to them. he says that he’d “never tell me who i can’t be friends with” but becomes very upset whenever he sees me talking to one of my male friends. my 2 closest friends in my city are guys, and i feel like we’re not even friends anymore. one of my guy friends said “hbd ❤️ “ on my birthday, and my boyfriend talked about how inappropriate it was as for a week.
he searched his name in my phone and read every conversation ive had with people about him. i shouldn’t talk shit ab my partner, but i also feel like venting to your friends is normal (he says it is not and he would never talk badly about me to someone). but this makes me so paranoid because i feel like he now just knows all of these things i thought he were private with other people and he can throw them at me.
hate to throw around the word “gaslighting” but i am honestly afraid that i am trapped in a very toxic situation, and I feel like I can’t get out. I think he loves me a lot, and I’m worried if i leave that i am throwing away my chances at a long lasting relationship.. and idk if anyone else will love me this much again. i know he would do anything for me, but i feel so suffocated.
Comments
I’m old enough to be your mama and I promise you…He is. Period. Full stop. Abusive. He does not love you. He would not “do anything” for you—he won’t even stop abusing you when you call it out. Half of your relationship has been like this because 8 months is the longest he could keep the mask on.
You’re young. Almost anyone could love you better than this, but most importantly you can love YOURSELF more than this. Your gut is screaming at you so trust yourself and dump this loser.
No babygirl, this is not healthy. Everything you’ve explained is abuse or unhealthy. Trust your feelings that it isn’t right. I’m sure others will say the same and hopefully explain it better than I can but you are not wrong, you should be trying to leave this relationship. He’s trying to isolate you so it’s easier to abuse you. He doesn’t like you talking about him because you might catch on to his shit. There a lot of red flags here
Nope, you’re not the problem. The minute your partner is making you feel crazy and leans into making you question your sanity instead of being a caring supportive partner who helps you sort out these feeling – because that’s what a good partner is supposed to do – you’re in an unsafe situation.
Making you question your reality is how he will take control of it and tell you what you’re actually experiencing. If you lost your ability to see or hear, would you trust him to truthfully tell you what’s going on around you? If not, don’t stay.
If you don’t think you’ll be ok with this type of behavior for the next 20 years – because that’s what you’re signing up to do – don’t stay.
Gaslighting is the exact right word to use. He is denying reality and making you feel crazy. That’s abusive on an extreme level. A relationship should only improve your life, not be some balancing act of accepting the bad with the good.
It doesn’t matter whether he is being malicious, whether he understands, or whether he loves you. These interactions are harming you, and parting ways seems necessary for your health.
If he cared, he would understand and not try to manipulate you into staying with him. Since I suspect that he is malicious, I believe that he won’t kindly accept a breakup and respect your space. So, it would be perfectly valid to just ghost this guy.
Loveisrespect.org has a quiz you can take.
This is absolutely an abusive relationship. And the fact that it started after 8 months is terrifying. Because it will escalate, and it will probably escalate fast.
I hope you’re not living with this person.
You’d be “crazy and delusional” to stay in this relationship. You deserve to be treated better, to not be gaslit, and to be loved. He doesn’t sound like he’s loving. At least you haven’t wasted a lot of time on him.
You’re using gaslighting correctly. He does it, plus a whole bunch of other abusive stuff. This is not love, please believe us and get out of this relationship if you can.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please, for the love of all that is holy, read this. It‘s a fantastic book by Lundy Bancroft that has helped countless women recognize that they’re in an abusive situation. The link I provided takes you to a free PDF of it.
You are not the problem love, but please get out.
I’m old enough to be your mom and let me tell you one thing that I told my adult son: if your friends don’t like the person you’re dating, listen to your friends.
He’s the problem, but you are under no obligation to prove that to him. You don’t need mutual agreement to break up. You deserve better. Period.
This is not a good situation. He’s constantly gaslighting you and being emotionally abusive. He is the problem, not you, and I’d say leave before it continues to get worse.
“I think he loves me a lot, and I’m worried if i leave that i am throwing away my chances at a long lasting relationship.. and idk if anyone else will love me this much again.”
First, does he love you, or does he love the way you allow him to control your life and your friendships (and no doubt a million other things)?
Second, fear is an inexcusable reason to stay with a romantic partner.
Third, you don’t include how you feel about him in your post. You do not seem to love him the way one wants to love a partner. You appear to be wasting your life with a man who is incapable of letting you enjoy yourself without endless scrutiny, manipulation, and critique. How you feel now will only get worse.
Just tell him, “This relationship no longer works for me, so I am ending it. The idea of us being together for years fills me with dread, because I am fed up with feeling controlled and manipulated, while I cannot even talk to my partner about the problems in our relationship without he fixates on arguing about unimportant details to avoid the actual conversation. I urge you to go see a mental health professional, your insecurity is suffocating, and the way you refuse to engage about real problems in our relationship doomed it to failure. I care about you and will be rooting for you, but I am not in love with you, and we will not be getting back together.”
Say that and be done. When he tries to argue, “this isn’t a negotiation. This relationship is over. You are 22. you’ll get over it.”
Definitely not old enough to be your mom but old enough to be your big sister and this man is not good to you. Whether or not he loves you, he doesn’t respect you and he likely never will. Trust your gut. You can find better, I promise.
My sister left a relationship VERY similar to this. We all hated him but she was scared nobody else would ever love her. She left that fuckhead finally and now she has a boyfriend who brings out a light in her I haven’t seen in 8 years.
Please. Leave. This. Man.
Hey so not to alarm you but this reads like something I’d have written about my abusive ex with BPD while we were dating. The way you describe trying to talk to him also sounds like both that ex AND my narcissistic mother. I’ve known a few people like your boyfriend, dated someone that behaves like what you describe for 4 years. It does not get better. It only gets worse.
The longer you stay, the more assured they feel that you won’t leave. That you’ll put up with anything, so they can get away with anything. They’ll feel assured that they know how to manipulate you back into placidity and guilt if you start catching on to their bullshit. They’ll cross lines over and over and have you feeling like you’re the problem the whole time. They will weaponize your best impulses to their own ends: Your empathy, kindness, intelligence, creativity, sense of humour, everything and anything about you will become either a target, leverage, or tool for them.
You deserve someone who inspires kindness in you with the kindness they show you. Someone who actively wants to have civil, mature discussions about concerns because they actually want to put the work in to have a healthy relationship. Those people exist, and you owe it to yourself not to “settle.”
Never doubt that it is possible for partners to have conversations about their feelings and issues, without it spiraling into a disaster. What he is presenting you with does not need to be your norm, but if you keep him in your life, this will be forever.
Reach out to your friends and family, former or current. Tell them you need their help leaving this man.
Even if you think you burned a bridge or feel guilty, remember that they have the option of saying no if they need to. Other people are responsible for regulating and seeking accommodations for their own emotions. Not you.
You’d be surprised how many friends and even acquaintances will step up. Like, that guy that “hbd ❤️”‘d you – it sounds like he is leaving you a door to continue your friendship.
It is not weakness to use the resources available to you. It is not weakness to ask for help. You have done nothing wrong. He has.
Your bf is the issue
>i think he is controlling and possessive
So why are you still with him? You do know that you cant change him, right?
Here’s how you figure it out – cut him out of your life for a 2 week separation. Let him know about it after you’ve already moved out, and do not let it be a discussion.
Text him you’re having a hard time and you’re staying with a safe person for this time. You’ll talk to him in 2 weeks but not before.
He’s going to go crazy, alternating threats and love-bombing. You need to block or at the very least mute all calls and texts.
If in the 2 weeks you feel less crazy… then he was the one intentionally making you crazy.
Out of 16 months, 8 have sucked. Are you going to throw away the rest of your life for the first nice 8 months?
This guy is just textbook gaslighting you.
If you find a definition of “gaslight”, you’ll see your post right away, word for word.
Gaslight is often misused; in this instance, it is the appropriate and accurate term.
Is your relationship healthy quiz
What is DARVO
Cycle of Abuse
Why Does He Do That, free download
Threat Assessment (you didn’t mention violence, but I encourage you to fill it out anyway)
Please look up covert Narcissim or vulnerable Narcissim. Dr Ramani on youtube has some really comprehensive videos on the subject and I think you’ll find a lot of what is said is going to resonate with you when it comes to this relationship.
He might love you, but he doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship. This won’t get better. You can’t change him.
That first paragraph alone is enough to tell me you’re valid
Someone who loves you a lot would never make you feel crazy or delusional. This sounds so much like my best friend’s abusive ex. He tried so hard to isolate her from all of her friends and when she would make new friends at work and try to have hang outs (with him there) he would find things to complain about like she didn’t introduce him to her friends properly or no one wanted to talk to him (because they could tell he was a whiny little baby) and somehow that was all her fault.
A real love won’t be something you need to question.
Dump this chump! And, if necessary, be prepared to get a restraining order because my guess is he won’t take rejection very well.
Read:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiCruKP6fGNAxU9l4kEHdcNBHUQFnoECBwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
Every woman needs to read this. Especially young women.
It will save your life.
There’s NOTHING WRONG with you. 🖤
If your friends don’t like him that’s usually a yellow/red flag depending on the reasons (I’m assuming based on everything else, they have good reason).
It is a HUGE red flag that he doesn’t want you hanging out with your male or lesbian friends. It’s normal to be jealous sometimes. I’ve been jealous of my ex’s guy friends before. But I have enough sense to know that it’s MY problem. I don’t make it her issue or her friend’s. It’s MINE alone to keep in check. There are healthy ways to communicate your insecurities and ask for reassurance. He’s NOT doing that.
He might not be straight up telling you not to hang with them, but it sounds like he’s trying to guilt trip you into limiting/cutting contact and that’s not right. Seems like he’s trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s your idea so he has plausible deniability: “well I didn’t say to cut them off”.
He’s trying to wear you down. It’s only been 1.5 years and he’s like this already?? It’ll get worse. You’re not crazy. He WANTS you to feel crazy, but you’re not. Please please please make a plan to leave and/or cut him off entirely. I’m sure your friends will be happy to help you.
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
I’m not sure you need to ask this question.
Does your BF spark joy, so your life with him is so much better than your life without him? Because it sure doesn’t sound like it reading your post.
Even if we don’t call what he’s doing abusive, it would still make the two of you fundamentally incompatible.
I think what he is doing is absolutely abusive. He’s controlling who you spend time with!? My point above is that you have set the bar for leaving too high. You don’t need to prove he is abusing you before deciding it’s in your best interest to get out.
I get what you are saying about finding someone else that will love you. I’d rather have a strong circle of good friends than a partner that is obsessed with me.
If you were single right now? Would you ask him to be your boyfriend?
The thing he loves most about you is his ability to control you.
I had the same situation where a dated a guy for a couple years and he was lovely, but as soon as we moved in together it was a complete 180 and he became insanely controlling and trying to talk to him about it was how you explained in your first couple paragraphs.
He won’t change it or work on himself. He will just get better at making you question yourself and making you feel like the bad guy (for perfectly reasonable concerns) the more he chips away at you.
Best of luck in getting out and remembering how lovely and worthwhile you are girly <3
Oh my gosh you poor girl, RUN.
He does NOT love you. He loves possessing you.
Highly recommend Dr. Nadine Macaluso’s book Run Like Hell…
You don’t need him to be abusive to justify breaking up with him.
There is no objective test that means you’re an asshole if you dump him.
Here is the definitive list of reasons you can dump someone:
That’s it. No one needs to agree it was a good idea. You get to decide where you spend your time. He could be the nicest person in the world and you are free to dump him because you don’t like the way he looks in an orange shirt.
(But yes, he is also abusive and controlling and get out)
Gaslighting.
If your best friend was telling you this story….
What would your advice bed?
Hell, a perfect stranger. Your mom. A woman on a tv show.
Not healthy. Run.
Sweetie you already know the truth. You’re just looking for some support. You deserve that support.
I hope you leave him and block him completely. He’s going to try to manipulate and control you and get you to stay.
But you’re not going to let him. Right? You deserve so much better than this.
Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Repeat to yourself until you understand. ” I will block him and never speak to him again”
He won’t get better. You are not crazy. This is a bad situation and will only get worse.
Don’t talk to him, do not explain, just get away.
All you do once you’re gone is text him. “This doesn’t work for me, we’re done, respect my decision”
Best of luck, stay strong
Hate to say this but he doesn’t ‘love you a lot’ no matter how often he says that. He wants to control and own you – that isn’t love. If/when you leave this relationship, I 100% guarantee you will find a better and truly loving one out there in the world. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Together with my spouse for 22 years, married for 15. Neither of us has ever once asked to go through the other’s phone. I’m not interested in a “trust with verification” marriage. If I felt so insecure that I needed to go through her phone, I’d be the wrong guy because she deserves better.
If you’re such a “bad guy” why is he still with you? Look up DARVO. Please get out, relationships are auditions, not life sentences, if they make you miserable, they failed the audition! That’s ok, on to the next auditioner, please don’t waste any more time on this person.
This pattern of behaviour is just like an ex od mine who was definitely abusive.
You are worthy, people love you. You don’t need to hold onto this relationship, you deserve so much better.
Please figure out an escape plan, you don’t have to break up in person.
Sweety. He is not a good person. I am so sorry but he IS controlling and possive but also manipulative and are indeed gaslighting.
That’s not how love is
All great advice here. I hope op takes it. But it’s hard to see. It feels like op knows the truth. It seems all of op friends have told her the same things as the sub. And yet op still ended up asking the sub.
OP You need to look up the acronym “D.A.R.V.O”
He is doing this to you to avoid any responsibility or accountability on his part. In your gest interest, break up with him because he will simply exhaust you got the rest of your life.
You already know the answer, you just want permission to leave. Babygirl no good man makes you doubt your own sanity or pushes you to question your own feelings and instincts. He’s not your boyfriend, he’s just a reminder of what you won’t accept in future. Go live your life.
I (51f) don’t have time right now to say all the reasons why you should DUMP HIM but please do yourself that favor.
Toxic man playbook 🎯
Yes, you are being gaslit.
No, you are not wrong to feel this way.
Yes, he is treating you horribly.
No, this is not normal or acceptable.
Yes, your boyfriend is abusive.
Of course he will tell you your perceptions and feelings are wrong. He has to make you doubt yourself in order to make you stay.
I mean this lovingly, but you would be stupid to stay in this relationship. He’s not a good person, he’s a vile and repulsive human being and he will actively cause you extraordinary harm if you don’t leave. It will never get better if you stay, it will continue getting worse.
Some non-negotiable life lessons:
A long-lasting relationship with an abusive man isn’t a success story. It’s a prison term. It’s a tragedy. In many cases it’s a literal death sentence.
Always end relationships with men who invalidate your feelings.
Being single is ALWAYS better than being with a partner who makes you feel like shit. If he doesn’t make you happy, leave. Period.
You never need a “valid reason” to leave a relationship. There is no such thing as not having a “good enough reason” to end things.
You are valid. Your feelings are valid. ALWAYS. Never doubt that. Never let a man tell you you’re overreacting, too sensitive, not being supportive, or need to get over it. This is what toxic people say to brush off the seriousness of their own bad behavior. Classic DARVO. Learn to recognize it and shut it down.
When men start in on this bullshit, say, “My feelings are absolutely valid. If you don’t agree, this discussion is over. The only acceptable response to harming me is to apologize and change your behavior. If not, then you’re not someone I can date.” When he argues, stop engaging. Walk away.
Be aware that leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time in a woman’s life. This is often when abusive men become physically violent and even lethal. Many women have been murdered while trying to leave. It is always best to leave quietly.
Gather your important documents. Keep a go bag at the ready. Get out as soon as you can.
This is the cycle of abuse. I recommend listening to this podcast when you get moments alone, it’s made by and for survivors of abuse and features survivor stories, interviews with domestic violence experts, and highlights characteristics abuse (power and control, the pattern/cycle, trauma bonds, emotional abuse, DARVO, etc). Personally, it really has helped and continues to help me feel less alone and understand what happened to me.
https://open.spotify.com/show/50X15TNxNbYeyZfLV4x0Bi?si=69ZEjHwqQ8uqXJSZP-YdXg
You feeling crazy, that he loves you, that you’d be nuts to walk away – that is all by design. He is keeping you off balance – purposely – so you feel trapped! Girl, you need to get out of this, now. No conversation, no words he can twist. When he’s out of the house, pack up and leave and block him everywhere. Never talk to him again.
This is the very definition of gaslighting. And manipulation.
Have you heard of the book “Why Does He Do That?“?
I’m a survivor of DV so believe me when I say you need to leave this situation like yesterday. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Trust it. When you’re on the other side you’ll gain so much perspective and see the abuse. When you’re in the midst of it it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s in your head.
Find a therapist too! It took me a whole year to see clearly again.
>I’m worried if i leave that i am throwing away my chances at a long lasting relationship
Why would you want a relationship like this to be long term? Your friends hate him. You think he’s controlling and possessive. You doubt your sanity after having conversations with him.
You’re 25 years old, not 125. You have plenty of time to find another relationship.
Ugh you are so young you can’t see clearly. This is not a good relationship. He’s not a good boyfriend. Don’t get trapped having a baby with him. He’s toxic AF.
Look up the sunken cost fallacy. And go watch Christian Walker on IG! He will tell you the truth. This dusty dude is a waste of your time
Do you expect him to admit it? He won’t. Stop waiting for his permission and get him out of your life!
Take it from a man. You’re dating an insecure, controlling, possessive baby.
Everyone else here is telling you the ways he is controlling you and how his behaviour is not OK so I won’t belabour the point (I may have engaged in some of this when I was young, and stupid, and insecure and 20 as well. Never actual physical abusive, or the jealous control of my partner’s social life, but the reversing victim-and-offender thing when they have a grievance and making the complaint about my feelings when that’s not the point…oh yeah. I’ve done that. I’m in no way proud of it. Men really aren’t ready for relationships and don’t know how to maturely explore feelings until they’re about 25 and up, and even then…), but you have choices and you should confront him about how his behaviour makes you feel and decide what action you take on the relationship based on his response.
And Jesus Christ, there are 8 billion humans on the planet, if you drop this man-baby (yes, even if he ‘loves you so much’), I guarantee you will find better love and treatment from someone else. You have so much time, what I wouldn’t give to be 23 again knowing the things I know now…
If you decide to leave, do it publicly, and block his number. I don’t want to make assumptions about what other people might or might not do, when upset but, protect yourself with family and friends until he is long gone from your life.
Being confused/feeling crazy is a symptom that you are being manipulated. The solution is to stop trying to understand/talk more, but recognize that this pattern is wrong for you, and to disengage.
You cannot have a beautiful long lasting relationship with someone who does not respect you, he won’t change. Your chances of having a fulfilling life will be much higher without someone controlling you and pulling you down. You will definitely find someone who will love you more, because this man does not love you.
Sweetheart, why is this worth it? He’s torturing you like this and you’re letting him fornwhat? It’s an 18-month relationship, not a lifetime together. Flush the bastard. It should not be this hard or this confusing. He is not a good person and will never be a good partner.
Remember when you break up with him you don’t need a reason or to convince him. You can just say you’re done and leave. 🖤 We’re all rooting for you. Think about how much lighter you’ll feel free of him.
Read back on what you’ve written here, because you’ve got the nail on the head. He is feel like my boyfriend is controlling, manipulative, & you’re not crazy. Break up with him
I’m old enough to be your mom, and he’s dominating you a la patriarchy.
Reading through your post, I can’t see one reason why you would want to spend another moment with that asshat
Everyone is telling you the right things here, I just want to add that you should start listening to and trusting your gut. It’s been sending you alarm bells and you’ve been ignoring them. Your gut feelings are not going to lead you astray.
Relationships are supposed to be pleasant and fun.
He is absolutely gaslighting you – no question.
Make a plan, save up, get out, i didnt have a plan and had to go the messy route but have amazing support system that allowed me to stay there and pack up when I needed to ( i kicked him out of the bedroom (everything in there was mine anyways) and put all my effects in there na put a deadbolt on the door so I could put my stuff in there and not have to worry about it getting messed with. If he really wanted to he could but I trusted that he didnt.
Never settle for something that doesn’t feel right
If all of your friends hate him, the common denominator is him. He shouldn’t EVER go through your phone, unless you are in medical crisis and he needs to contact your family.
He doesn’t love YOU. He loves the idea of you, and/or the idealized version of a girlfriend or wife that lives only in his mind.
Leaving him will only “throw away” long term control and abuse. You are 25, and there are men who will treat you well and not invade your privacy.
I’m old enough to be your seasoned auntie and I’m begging you to go find better. And — HEAR ME — that doesn’t necessarily mean going and finding someone new. Heal. Live. Get to know who you are so the next time somebody wants to play mind games, you won’t even question your own head. Stand firm, my girl. You deserve more than this.
I wasted too much time 1. Trying to have genuine attempts to communicate which spiralled like yours do into me being the bad guy some how, and somehow ending up about completely different things & 2. Googling/forums asking for advice because my subconscious was screaming and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.
I see either of these things as massive red flags now. What took me way too long to learn is although I try to communicate and love in good faith, others don’t always. And you can’t have a fair loving relationship in that kind of dynamic
You do not defend your decision. It’s your decision and it’s final. You block him and anyone who tries to intervene. You let him know you will get a restraining order if he attempts to contact you in anyway. He enjoys his power over you and doesn’t want to lose it—he doesn’t give a shit about you as a person.