My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for about five years. He’s the only person I’ve slept with, and we started dating when we were young. My family is planning a vacation, but he doesn’t want to go because we’d have to share a room with my sister and wouldn’t be able to have sex.
While I understand that sex is an important part of our relationship, I also feel like there are many other things to look forward to on a vacation, like quality time together. I was really excited about this trip, but now I’m going without him because of his refusal.
I’ve noticed that he can sometimes get upset if we don’t have sex when he wants, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable and unsure about his priorities in the relationship.
I’m wondering if his behavior is a red flag or if it’s something I should be concerned about. I’m unsure how to approach this situation, and I could really use some advice.
TL;DR: My (20F) boyfriend (21M) doesn’t want to go on vacation with me because we would share a room with my sister and wouldn’t be able to have sex. I’m unsure if this is a red flag or if I should be worried about his priorities in our relationship.
Comments
It’s a red flag and a sign of tremendous immaturity on his part. You should look for other signs and consider whether you’ve outgrown him.
Yes, it is a red flag. There is more to a relationship than just sex. You are more than a sex toy. Is he usually like this with sex? Do you guys spend any quality time together that doesn’t involve sex? I can’t believe he’d rather not go at all- he’s not getting laid either way, so why not choose the fun no sex option?
Ask him what you are to him? Does he value you and your relationship or does he simply need access to your body? If quality time to him means sex and he isn’t interested an any other kind of time together, there’s your answer. Next question. If he won’t go because he can’t get his nut, where will he get it while you’re away? Because, he still needs it right?
Being upset when you can’t bone is usually a red flag, and I’m getting the sense that’s his top priority. Relationships need more than sex to work, unless it’s a casual sex relationship, though even there, the pair typically has some emotional connection.
People change a lot between 15 and 20, and whatever reason you two got together might no longer exist. His priorities certainly have moved away from the emotional aspects, which you’d think would strengthen with age.
I would absolutely reevaluate things.
If your sister told you her boyfriend didn’t want to go bc you’d be there and he couldn’t have sex with her what would you tell her?
Go without him. Let him have no vacation and no sex.
You deserve better ❤️
I think it depends on how he treats you outside of this issue?
At 21, honestly, spending vacation time with my future in-laws sharing a room with her sibling would not have been my idea of a fun time… When I go on vacation, i want to feel like I have privacy and have freedom, and you just don’t get that sharing a space with other people.
it sounds that it is just an excuse. Maybe he just dont want to go on this trip
red flag and no sexual discipline. have you guys ever been apart? what’s he doing then???
What does him “getting upset” look like? What kind of behavior?
Based on the post and your comments, it sounds like your bf’s main priority in general is sex. Being long distance doesn’t mean that your time together is meaningless without sex. As you said, it’s important, but there’s much more to a meaningful relationship.
Does your bf treat the relationship like it’s meaningful, or just a way to get laid?
If he can’t put his gonads on hold during that brief time away then that’s a red flag.
I have a CRAZY high sex drive. Sex is vitally important to me in a relationship and is in fact a deal breaker for me. I need good sex to be happy with my partner.
That being said…
There is NOTHING that makes it okay to refuse to go places just because you can’t have sex.
If someone is doing that to you already in a relationship, it’s going to get worse.
Don’t stay with guys who make sex the only thing that matters in a relationship.dont stay with ANYONE who makes you feel like you have to have sex, or uncomfortable about how they approach sex.
Sex is an awesome beautiful thing but it is not a right, and someone who values being able to fuck you over being able to spend time with you and the people who are important to you is NOT “the one” unless “the one” you’re looking for is an entitled jerk
So he doesn’t want to spend time with you unless he’s having sex with you?
That’s not a healthy relationship.
Maybe spend more time away from him and reevaluate the relationship.
If he is throwing tantrums or sulking/making you feel guilty, yes it is a red flag. My first boyfriend would do this all the time and I left that relationship with a messed up outlook regarding sex and trauma. If he’s this shitty about it now he will definitely start guilt tripping and manipulating you.
When someone gets upset with you or refuses to attend something because sex is off the table, it’s absolutely a red flag. Making you feel bad or them being mad with you over it is a manipulation tactic. You’ll eventually just have sex with him so he’s not angry with you. You have to feel comfortable to say no.
It’s not a great sign… but guys that age do have a huge sex drive. Still part of maturity is putting what’s most important up front.
You don’t mention how the rest of the relationship is?
Tell him you will find somewhere to give him a hand job. But he needs to respect family above missing sex for a night or two.
Idk. I definitely won’t go on any vacation where I need to share the room. Being able to be alone with your partner is not just about sex, it’s avout intimacy, closeness, privacy. That quality time together? Forget it. You won’t even be able to talk freely as a couple, you’ll always have an audience. Any kiss, any hug, any pet name will be PDA. It gets tiring pretty fast. It’s one thing not to be able to go without sex for a while – it would be a red flag – but this is about much more then sex. Basically, you won’t get any chance to relax and be a couple. Not wanting that… is not wrong. But as a 21 years old and a man he probably cannot vocalize all of this.
Also, whoever arranged it this way is a moron. I doubt your sister is thrilled to share a room with an unrelated man and not to be able to even change her clothes in peace. The only people who should share on vacations are parents with minor kids. Not adults and couples. Can it be that your parents are doing it exactly to prevent you from having sex? Tbh, I just won’t go unless I can pay for my own room.
Yes it’s a Red Flag. As most people have already commented you should look over the relationship and see if it’s just sex or if there is something more to the relationship. Don’t be afraid to end it if it’s just sex.
Getting upset because you said no to sex is a huge red flag. You are allowed to say no without being made to feel guilty or intimidated over it.
And regarding the vacation – if you go without him, he’s (supposably) not having sex while you’re gone either…so he’s choosing not to spend time with you or create memories with you on the vacation.
What a jerk. If i were you I wouldn’t waste any more time on someone who only sees you as a sex object.
Has it occurred to him he can pay for your own room if that’s what he wants? People that have someone else bankrolling their vacations get the accommodations they get.
Take this time away to enjoy your vacation, and consider whether you want to spend all your future vacations alone because he can’t have sex. You’re still young enough that money may often be an issue and require you to share sleeping space on vacations you are invited to with people. This will likely continue for years if you stay with him.
You don’t need to make any hasty decisions. Take this time away to ponder what kind of boyfriend you’d like to have on vacation with you, and compare notes to your actual boyfriend when you get back. I suspect you will come to the conclusion that he’s not who you want to be dating. You likely have another 5 decades of life ahead of you, how much of that time do you want to spend on him?