Hello,
So i am dating my new girlfriend for 3 months now. Its really good i think, but i dont know if my anxious thoughts are getting my mind occupied or my GF is just thinking about anything else but our relationship/me.
So i am having bad time, its holidays, i am working male 29 YO. I have good job, i like it. But during summer i have lack of motivation to do things. For me, summer is just chill period where i am shutting down my organism and just living live doing nothing, but haning out, hiking etc. Thing is, i rarely meet with my friends, because we live in different cities.
I have met my GF 3 months ago and we are similar in many cases, we are good match, we have good sex etc. But.. she is not so emotional, she is just a chill girlfriend. At first i thought she has avoidant attachment, but its not like that.
When i express my needs, she talks about it, she says she never expressed her emotions because of her parents (not talking about emotions all life). She says she cares about me and i am the first person that she thinks of long term relationship and creating a life together. Basically thats great, but she is not really initating any plans and reasurring me of her interest in me. She seems like shes thinking about everything else, but not us.
But it may be my anxious thoughts, because we are meeting like 3 times a week, she asks for these meetings, month ago we were on a weekend trip, we plan to go to holidays in august, we have been to two weddings together – one from my side, one from her side – we had her best friend wedding and she was all the time with me, touching my hand and dacing only with me looking at my eyes.
She is super affectionate in person, hugs all the time, wants to hold my hand and be close to me. But when shes away i am a little anxious because she dont make any plans, she just agrees when i plan something. She rarely tells me nice words. She told me that she wants to tell me some compliments, cute words, but she doesnt know how to do it, because she never experienced this in her life. She was on festival this weekend, she had very much fun and i was (still i am) sad because of that, but i know thats bad and i just wished her very good time. I am just living with my anxious thoughts inside, i dont let them outside to destroy the relationship.
She is like secure attachment mixed with avoidant,. If i dont respond to her for few hours, she doesnt mind. If am acting different, she doesnt mind. She just mind herself. She just acts very laid-back and chill and it drives me nuts sometimes, because i want to see her CARE and initate something in this relationship. Its like playing a games, but…she doesnt play any games, she is just who she is and she doesnt know that she should do more sometimes. But we had like 2 talks abuot this and she said she wants to, but she doesnt always know how to show this.
I know its early, 3 months, but i am sometimes really woried and stressed, maybe because i currently dont have other things going down in my life, but i am 29 years old, she is 28 years old, and i know thats its the time to pursue family and great relationship. I know that with her its possible, but sometimes i am just sad about how she acts.
I just dont know if its my anxious thoughts, anxious attachment been triggered (in previous relationship i wasnt so anxious, because previous gf was affectionate) or just she doesnt really care that much. I think it may be anxious thoughts and i may be expecting too much of her in my life. But yeah i just wanted to write it down to see some perspective. Thanks for any words
TL:DR: I am in relationship with my new gf for 3 months. I am 29 YO, shes 28 YO. Its basically pretty good, but she is very laid-back and chill person and doesnt initate and doesnt always fulfill my needs of closeness. Sex is great, we spend like 2 days a week together after work and 1-2 days on weekends, but i want more closeness.
Comments
And to add:
She writes good morning to me, and good night and we are texting normally, keeping in touch almost all the time. At beginning she told me she is not good in texting and she sometimes did leave me on read for 6-10 hours. It improved but all the talks are on surface level, nothing about us
You have nothing to worry about. She clearly cares about you and wants to do better. If she doesn’t know how to do something, you can teach her how to do it if you know how. It seems like she feels secure and comfortable in the relationship and you are overthinking this way too much.
If she didn’t like you and wanted to leave, she would have done so already. You feel insecure for some reason, you just have to figure out why you feel this way and conquer your fears.
I’m similar to your girlfriend, I would remind you that you can’t expect 2 conversations over three months to magically reverse 28 years of life experiences. I think you gotta be more open with your needs and guide her a bit until it comes a habit. That’s assuming she cares enough to make an effort to change it. It’s hard and it’ll be a bit awkward at first (that could also be a factor here, vulnerability is often uncomfortable) but this seems like one of those things your gonna have to help make happen.