In March 2025 right before my husband & I’s 1st married anniversary, we got in a HUGE fight about him doing a “personal” favor for a female co-worker who is single, never been married & has no children. He was employed at the this workplace for only 6 days at that time. I didn’t feel comfortable with him driving a woman around from work in his personal vehicle to do her a favor & I didn’t understand why she would find it okay to ask that of a married man, who is brand new to the company that she has been working at for 17years…
as if she doesn’t have friends/coworkers to help her out instead of my married, newly employed husband??
Well this disagreement about him doing a personal favor for her turned into a VERY bad argument. I called my mom to come over & be the mediator like she has in the past. She did not take my side or his & gave logical advice. As a result, my husband called his mother & told her to come over. She barged into my house & said “your wife doesn’t intimidate or scare me, pack a bag & you’re coming to stay with me. She & her mother aren’t going to ruin my son’s life & we’re going to protect our name”. My mom & I stayed silent, until I spoke up after she disrespected myself & my mother. My MIL got in my face under MY roof & screamed “fxck you (to me) you’re a bxtch & I never liked you & fxck you (to my mom)!”. My husband didn’t stick up for me at all, he allowed her to keep going. I pointed at the front door & yelled “get the fxck out of my house now, you’re not going to disrespect me under my own roof & you’re never welcome back!”.
This is literally the root of all of our arguments weekly. He & his family also do not believe in “mental health” or medication so they do not believe anything is wrong with any of them at all. His mother (and 2 of his sisters) seem to have a relatively strong desire for emotional incest with him. I don’t believe that it was okay for my MIL to say what she did to me under MY roof & never apologize. Even if it was just to be cordial.
My husband said that “I deserved it” & “should’ve been begging for forgiveness at his mother’s door the next day”. He also said “she had every right to say what she did, & i am the reason his family doesn’t come around or invite him to things. Because i make them feel unwelcome”. Mind you, I’ve know the entire family for 16 years from growing up on the same street. I texted his mother (against every bone in my body) & apologized sincerely, tried to make amends, and invited her to come have dinner at our home at her convenience (this is 4 months past the fight & of not speaking to her). She did not respond & my husband still sees nothing wrong with it. The topic is destroying our marriage, he doesn’t even budge to see my POV or stick up for me as his wife. My husband is a narcxssist, calls me names, slams doors & gives me the silent treatment if he’s not screaming in my face. He tells me I’m crazy & he wonders what it would be like to have married someone else. He also takes his wedding ring off & tries to take mine when he’s mad. My MIL does not get along with ANY of her 8 children’s S/O’s. In fact one couple got divorced & she said “fxck her I’m just glad to have my son back”. Can my marriage be saved/repaired? Will my MIL always come first before me? What do I do? We do not have children together, we rent a house, have 3 dogs. I’m so stuck
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as 7dangles3 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe 7dangles3 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Let me make this perfectly clear; no relationship can be repaired unless both parties are willing to repair it. Your “husband” is not willing to repair things. He sounds more interested in getting his way and controlling things than in actually solving the root of the problems. My advice is to find the best divorce lawyer in town, because your husband is not a passive bystander in the abuse here; he’s a willing participant.
Girl leave him. He is abusing you.
Why are you bringing your parents, either yours or his, into your marriage?
You don’t think your jealousy and control is a factor here?
What was the favor?
It’s better that you are seeing things for what they are now than after you have built a family and financial assets.
Are you stuck because you can’t afford to live on your own? He has no desire to fix this and I suspect it will only get worse. Sometimes love isn’t enough (if you even still love him), plus you’ve shown them that you will continually give in–thus furthering the behavior. Straight talk–make a plan, get out. Go find someone who loves and respects you.
You should never have involved your own mother in your marital problems. Given the lack of trust and the way he treats you, why do you want to salvage the marriage? Do you always have to inflate his mother’s ego like that? Ew.
I would get couples or individual counseling.
That feeling of being stuck is just an illusion. You rent and have no kids with him. That’s a huge bonus for your situation. You are free to leave or to get him or yourself off the lease.
I agree with one of the above comments. Neither of you should get your parents involved. I appreciate you say your mum is impartial. But it’s a bit close to home.
However, they sound toxic as hell! Sounds like this has been brewing for a while and it won’t change. They say they will, make a change for a bit then go back to their old ways. I know it’s hard but your happiness and self worth is worth much more than this.
OP, I all this gently – why do you want to save this narrative to such an I’ll person?
OP, I do not know if your spouse and you can salvage your relationship. But I strongly suggest that you seek therapy to deal with the verbal and emotional abuse that your partner and his family have subjected you to and the obvious trust issues you have with your spouse.
Using your own mother as a mediator is generally not a great idea. A neutral third party like a counselor is a better choice. My mom LOVES my husband, but she is the first to say she is never going to be 100% neutral when it comes to our disagreements.
Lastly, why would you want to be with someone who treats you this way and allows others to treat you this way.
why would you want to save this shambles of a marriage?
I don’t think your marriage works from the little you’ve written about. I wouldn’t expend the energy trying to fix it. Doesn’t really sound like you like him much anyway.
I don’t know if I could go on with the marriage if my wife allowed someone else to speak to me like that and then said I deserved it. He sounds just as toxic as his family. Let him go be “happy” with them. They will just make each other miserable together and likely hate the fact that it hasn’t worked on you.
Be thankful you don’t have children with this abusive scumbag! Pack your bags and leave. Leave him to be his mommy’s baby. You will never ever see the day such a narcissistic abusive person changes.
I would never be able to look at my husband again if he allowed his mother to speak like that to me without intervening. He and I went through a truly rough patch the first 2 months after our daughter was born because he regressed with his enmeshed mother. We were screaming and fighting and only him going to therapy and getting even the tiniest distance from MIL helped.
I am sorry for being harsh but my question to you is, what would make this reparable to you? Is there a world where he can truly apologize for this and you would feel emotionally secure with him? Do you think it’s possible to get to that world without therapeutic intervention, and with MIL around? I suspect not, but you’ve also made it clear he doesn’t believe in therapy and clearly is aligned with his mother, so…
Your first mistake was calling your mom to be a mediator “like she has in the past.” You both are too immature for marriage.
No, your marriage is not reparable.
I don’t see a happy ending here. I’m sorry.
I think this relationship isn’t worth the time and drama that would be needed to HOPEFULLY see improvement in your husband’s behaviour, nvm your relationship with his side of the family. I’m sure he has some redeeming qualities, but if you made a pro/con list and surveyed a bunch of single women about whether or not they’d like your situation for their future marriage, they’d all say no.
You’re not stuck. Run.
There’s no repairing it. Lawyer up and go before kids do get included in this.
Holy shit are you me?
I’m still with my husband but I shouldn’t be. I have a 4 month old baby.
You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
Do not have a baby with this man.
Ms. Ma’am. RUN. Your mil is bad but girl?? Your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. And allows his mother to be as well. Get out. Divorce him and make sure you have recordings of his BS just in case you need a restraining order from him or his mother. You ABSOLUTELY DO NOT allow people to treat you this way. You remove yourself from the situation and NEVER look back.
Taking your wedding ring off by force is physical abuse. People are not allowed to wrestle with you and take things from your body no matter who they are.
Pretty sure you know what you need to do. Not sure if you need the push from internet strangers but it’s ok if you do. Change is scary. But what would you rather look back at in few years? That you stood up for you and did what you had to do? Or that you should have?
Why would you try to save this marriage? If you decide to stay with him then the fallout is on you.
Please add paragraphs. These wall of text posts are too much.
I’m sorry but this is not marriage.
My dear girl: protect yourself from this horrid family. They don’t want you and they’ll never be good to you.
Change your bank PW, stash some cash where he can’t get it, and get your mom to help you contact a divorce attorney. You’ll figure out the dogs later or take them with you. I wish you the best. You will come out of this a new person.