You’ve seen me here before but I’m still struggling with guilt and shame about my wish to get divorced. There’s so much guilt imposed on these cases and so much stigmatization of divorce.
Is not feeling emotionally and physically drawn to a spouse a good reason to end the marriage? As a woman I am tired of having sex just to please him when it’s not doing anything for me (it never did with him but I used to tell myself I could get used to that). We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for a month and I honestly love it and don’t miss him.
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yes. infact it’s a normal reason. lawyer up and get it over with already
We’ve only got one life. You’re the only one that can set the parameters. I would not feel guilt or shame leaving someone who couldn’t tell sex wasn’t enjoyable for me.
Therapy will help you make whatever decision is right for you
Start the process. Guilt and shame are no reason to stay. You both deserve a partner that wants to be with you, not one staying out of obligation. How would you feel about him filing first? Would you rather he file the paperwork? Probably not! Divorce takes months to finish, you can always change your mind.
Were the two of you ever happily married? If so, I would encourage you to go to marriage counseling. The love may still be there, just buried under resentment or monotony from things that can be changed.
If you’ve never been happily married, or counseling fails, then in my opinion you should absolutely get divorced. You deserve better than this. And he deserves better than what you’re giving him. Even if he initially opposes it, he’ll be happier when he finds someone else.
Unpopular opinion: if you have kids and the marriage is dead but not toxic, you should probably stay together until they’re grown. Some kids are better off when highly toxic marriages end, but other kids get badly fucked up because of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 21 and my youngest brother was 11. It didn’t affect my mental health at all but my brother suffered lifelong trauma from it.
I’m sorry that you live in an area where there is guilt and shame around divorce. I have personally not experienced that myself in the areas I’ve lived in, at least not any guilt/shame beyond normal breakup feelings. In other words, the feelings you have are obviously real as you feel them, but that doesn’t mean they’re based on an absolute truth, because otherwise we’d all feel that way.
So what do you do with that fact? You can decide to let your feelings make the decision for you, or you can do a rational assessment either by yourself or with the help of a therapist or trusted friend and go with a carefully thought out decision.
How long have you been married? I would love separate bedrooms, lots of people I know do. Try talking to your spouse about your needs, try new things, but you need to communicate.
Well, I think the answer would be vastly different now compared to a couple hundred years ago. Marriage has vastly changed in our modern age. And it has become much more acceptable to leave a marriage that you don’t find emotionally fulfilling. Very common and very accepted.
So the answer depends where you live, and the culture that you live in. If you’re in the US or other western culture it’s very acceptable to leave for these reasons and almost 0 stigma attached to it. But even in the US in small southern rural towns, there could be significant social backlash for leaving a marriage yet. In that case, I’d make plans to move to a different town, far far away.
I’d recommend that you go through some personal therapy first, just to sort out what’s going through your head and heart. But it sounds like you’ve already made your decision, in your heart. And there’s no right or wrong in this, just decisions with less pain or more pain. Ultimately, life is short and I personally feel, in a situation like what you’re describing, there’s no point in staying in the marriage. But this is coming from someone who’s been through a divorce, about 15 years ago. Very traumatic at first, but now I feel much much more free. I’ve been able to become someone much more deep and full after going through that trauma and coming out from the other side of it.
Best of luck to you ❤️
Those are the main reasons for divorce I would say
What has changed since your vow to love and honor? You were crazy about him once. I am not judging – no one should stay married if they are unhappy – I am just interested in where it went south.
Stigmatization? Nah. Divorce is pretty common. And yes, get a divorce.
Not enough info provided to give you advice, but I would say this. After 38 years of marriage I definitely agree with the experts who say love is an action and not a feeling. Life is not a fairytale. Deep bonds do not come because of some magic chemistry, they come from hard work and sacrifice for each other over time. Of course your key values have to align and you both have to the willing to put in the work.
Yes, it is a good enough reason.
There’s good and compassionate advice here. May I offer a contrasting thought for you to consider?
My (M71) wife (F70) married 45 years ago. And, I feel like I’ve been married about six times to the same woman, with six different marriages. No, we didn’t divorce or anything, the way we deal with each other just changed as we and our children went through life and changed.
Part of it is, of course, that the heart-pounding romantic sex of our first marriage stopped being as big a factor holding us together as time passed. Sharing children and sharing each others’ successes became stronger. And now, I know I am grateful not to be alone, which I might have been had we split up for our fifth or sixth marriage.
I say this because I hope you understand that your current disaffection for your husband may not be permanent. If your current marriage (in your series of marriages) is providing you with stability and peace, you might try being patient with the changes you both are going through.
Peace and hope to you both!
Here is the thing… if you are already stuck on leaving you should now, because rn you are just wasting time. You can’t work on a relationship with one foot out the door or you will negatively influence everything he does.
Yes.
Yes,life is short,
Does he know you’re unhappy with things and doesn’t care? Or have you not bothered to tell him outright?
Either way, I believe people can leave a relationship for any reason, anytime. In 2025, I think it’s more wrong to stick around when you’re not happy and there’s no hope of it turning around.
You get one life. That’s it. Do you want to spend it with someone you dislike? You don’t have to.
Only you can allow guilt to be imposed on you. I’d suggest getting some therapy, and talking with a lawyer.
I think society places so much pressure on women to partner up and marry we think that’s just the default. I have never been happier than when I divorced! I realized then I should have never gotten married and only did so because I felt less than.
It would help to know your ages, and marriage length.
A better question (and one for therapy) is why do you keep coming here looking to strangers for permission to get a divorce? You don’t need anyone’s permission or blessing aside from a judge.
It is a good reason. People grow in different directions over time. Sometimes the connection is just not there. Many people stay for the friendship or the kids but that’s an individual choice
A marriage can survive a lot of difficult things – loss of health, loss of income, problems in the bedroom, etc. But it has to have the core ingredients of love, respect and compatibility.
In a happy marriage, you might not always watch the same TV shows or sleep in the same bed, but when they’ve been away, you’re excited when they come home. They may annoy you sometimes, but you recognize that you annoy them sometimes too, and you focus on the fun things. Because in a happy marriage, you’re on the same page, so to speak. You have more in common than not, and this makes staying worth it.
If you have nothing in common with your husband other than being in the same country, of the same faith (or same lack of faith), and both of you being carbon-based forms of life, you don’t have much to work with. Is your personal happiness worth staying just to please other people? Only you know the answer.
Aren’t you in therapy? Therapy isn’t helping?
You’ll never find peace if you look for outside validation for this kind of decision IMO.
People will shame and stigmatize countless lifestyle choices. If need to “people” to approve, you are choosing to make yourself miserable.
Passive voice was noticed, where is the object in your second sentence? Who is imposing guilt and stigma? Please be specific about whether this is a real problem or something you catastrophize in your head.
You’re going to have feelings either way, might as well choose the path that gets you closer to peace.
Guilt and shame or grief? Grieving is normal. Maybe struggling is making it worse and doing what you need to do to move forward can distract you until some more time passes.
Also … yes, you’ve gotten a lot of feedback here but are still stuck. Have you done anything differently since last time you posted?
r/livingalone r/simpleliving
I’ve been divorced 4 times. I live on the beach 🏖️ 🍸
I asked god for the perfect man. I have a boy dog. 🐕
Please give him the opportunity to be free of you. Time is too precious to waste on people like you. Hit the bricks.
So you’re asking if you should be honest or continue to lie? Isn’t that the logic that allows people to have affairs? Lying about what they want and their feelings while abusing their spouses trust? I think it’s always better to be honest. Not only are you throwing your life away but you’re stealing his too. He deserves someone who isn’t relieved by not being near him. Even if you don’t love him, you should respect him enough to be honest. And you should respect yourself enough to know you deserve more than pretending to be in a relationship.
You’ll be doing both of you a favor. He can find someone who loves and desires him and you can find someone you love and desire.
Yes, if it’s hopeless and you need to leave, that’s a good enough reason.
I just hope you’ve made the effort in the past to get counseling and or therapy for your past issues, if you do move on with the divorce.
I love the comments about taking action daily to nurture the marriage and sitting around hoping for a natural connection.
This is why 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Deceive a man into marriage, and then when you have the money and security, dump him because you don’t want to put in the effort to make it work.
The fact that so many think that there should be no shame in breaking your wedding vows and dumping your partner for selfish reasons is appalling. We know that if the sexes were reversed, people would be outraged.
You have to reach a point in life where you realize that stigma and other people’s opinions are worth a damn. Life is VERY, and I cannot stress this enough, VERY short. You must pursue your happiness. You don’t stay for anyone else other than you, and you leave for the same reason.
The best thing I ever did was getting divorced. I wish I had done it sooner than I did. Pull off the bandaid, and start your new life.
I am struggling with something similar so far be it for me to give advice on something I haven’t fixed yet. However, one thing really stuck out about your story. I’ve personally learned that having sex because you should or out of duty rather than because you want to slowly chips away at you as a person. Mentally and emotionally it is damaging.
I have been with my husband for 24 years and am wondering the same thing. Can I leave because I don’t love or desire him. From everything I’ve read. Yes. It’s okay to make yourself happy. However I recommend going to therapy first. Not couples therapy to start, individual therapy to understand the root of your feelings. From there you can decide if you want to divorce or do couples therapy.
But really it doesn’t sound like a marriage anymore so why suffer?
He deserves someone who loves and desires him.
Let him find that.
You just want to stay because you know he’s loves and desires you, and you don’t want to be single.
Is your life going to be better with him or without him. Make a list of the pros and cons.
If you don’t leave, will you regret it in 5 or 10 years? Sounds like it.
You’re also making posts about your crush and dating. You’re emotionally cheating on your husband, and even if it hasn’t become physically, that alone is a good enough reason to get a divorce. If your husband had any self-respect, he would leave you, so do him a favor and leave him. It’s the best thing for both of you, even if he doesn’t know it yet.