i need to know if my boyfriend watching porn 2-3 times a week was cheating. I made it clear at the start of the relationship that I viewed it as cheating and he didn’t say otherwise, and also promised me multiple times throughout the relationship that he wasn’t watching it. Then, 5 months in, I find out he’d been watching it the whole time. Specifically girls on their own. He has also told me he will be out with his mates and turn to them when he sees a girl he thinks is fit and will express that, and i’m just not sure what to do because my self esteem is so lowered and i can’t look at myself anymore.
is porn cheating?
r/Advice
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That is an individual preference.
Some people despise porn in any form, and make it a dealbreaker.
Some people enjoy porn together and implement it into their sex lives.
It is very much an individual decision, and partners should discuss it together.
It’s not cheating but it’s ruining your relationship and he needs to fix up . You shouldn’t be dealing with this
Anyone who thinks porn is cheating needs some psychological evaluation idc
if those were the boundaries you set and he purposely lied to you then it’s cheating.
Idk mahn.my gf thinks the same way..but I’m genuinely trying to stop this shit but fuck me.im not in anyway trying to justify my actions but “watching prn* is something thats been stuck upon since the dawn of my teens, I’ve been lonely af for the entirety of my teens so this shit was intense.now that I’ have someone who genuinely cares for me ik i shouldnt be watching it but sometimes like only sometimes I just do and like o fucking spiral down.
Men have higher sex drives than women. I’m not saying he has to watch porn, but the vast majority of men do, and in no way is that cheating. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, then the relationship won’t work, but you’ll probably have the same problem with other people in the future.
Would it be cheating if instead of watching on a screen he was imaging a scenario in his head with another girl?
How will you police that?
Most people don’t view porn as cheating, but if it’s a boundary for you, remember that means you have to take action – not him. You cannot control him and his behavior. You wanted to date him. Not him modified by some rules of yours
So write your boundary out with an action for you, and then decide if you want to make it a hard boundary or not. Something like:
I will not be in a relationship with a partner who views porn
So, if your partner views porn, you would have to leave the relationship. That’s how boundaries work. You’re not “punishing him”‘ for watching porn by dumping him. You’re respectfully enforcing a boundary you have
I mean if you say it’s cheating in your relationship, then that’s the boundary you’ve set. Regardless of if we all find it reasonable or not.
He broke your boundary after promising not to. He also lied about it several times it sounds like. It’s up to you to decide what to do next. If I felt how you felt, I’d probably leave.
It all depends on what your agreement and boj daries are. If it’s fine for you for your oartner to watch porn, it’s not cheating. If you have communicated to your partner that it’s not fine and they still do it, it’s cheating.
In this case, you explicitly expressed a boundary, and your boyfriend regularly violates it regardless. Additionally, he’s been hiding it from you, so he knows full well that it would upset you. And he did it regardless. Deceit in relationships this early on (and in general actually) is a big no-no. I believe you should break up with this person, he isn’t good for you. Rather than building you up, this relationship seems to be dragging you down.
Porn is not inherently cheating, but going behind your back when you made your opinion clear is cheating. If he had manned up and explained why he didn’t see it as cheating or even beneficial to the relationship, and you genuinely felt heard and understood his position, then great! Not cheating. Since he lied to you this whole time, and he did so because he knew it would upset you, he’s cheating. No it’s not the same as sleeping with another woman, but it is a betrayal.
(pardon the extreme parallel, but kind of like manslaughter instead of murder; cheating in the 2nd or 3rd degree).
Cheating is having sex with someone else when you’re in a relationship.
So unless they’re fucking their phone or the tv or whatever else they’re using to watch it, no – watching porn is NOT cheating.
Can it ruin a relationship? Certainly – just like anything else can. But watching porn is NOT cheating.
The real question you need to be asking is WHY are they watching. What are they getting from porn that they aren’t getting from you. And is it even that deep.
If you don’t like it, why are you asking us? Look at what you are saying to and asking us. You know the answer. You’ve told your boyfriend that porn use makes you uncomfortable. He disregarded that. Are you ok being with someone who does not care about you enough to care when their habit hurts your self esteem?
Starting giving him what he is looking for and he won’t watch porn guaranteed. Men have a desire and high drive for sex. Couple times a week ain’t gonna cut it. Couple times a day and I bet he stops thinking about porn completely.
Hi,
OP I can definitely see where you are coming from but the question shouldn’t be “ is porn cheating?“.
It should be “ is it ok that my boyfriend has been lying to me about watching porn”.
The biggest red flag is that he hasn’t made his opinion about porn clear to you and has been covering it up the duration of your relationship.
And about the bit where he sees other girls he finds physically attractive. If he is acting upon his attraction and walking up and flirting with them then yes that is cheating.
My gf has said to me about a guy we have walked past that she finds conventionally attractive but would never walk up to him because his acting like a dick. I have also done the same with my gf and we both understand that finding someone conventionally attractive does not mean they would cheat on you.
However your boyfriend is keeping it from you, which is the problem.
I would rethink him as a boyfriend, have a conversation about how it makes you feel and if he doesn’t respond as an adult, 5 months isn’t that long to put up with such nonsense.
Hope everything works out.
You dont own the inside of his head.
Are you gona censor his fantasies next?
If this is a deal breaker for you, just leave the relationship…
The fact that he was hiding it is the problem. This goes with just about any agreed upon boundary.
No, this is not cheating. He is not developing a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone else. He’s just cranking his hog.
Anything outside of your bounds you made clear is cheating. Some people have multiple partners they agreed on it. Not cheating. It’s not complicated and I don’t know why people try to make it so. If you don’t believe porn is cheating don’t date someone who does. Idk why people are so desperate they lie to get in relationships. Your relationship is dead when you do that and you’ve wasted your own time.
Yes. It drains sexual energy that belongs to your partner.
Honestly, to me, it is. Just because society encourages it and normalizes it doesn’t make it right. Morally, the porn industry fuels human trafficking and is generally really toxic. Obviously, people are going to come back and say “but people post their own stuff now” and such, but unless you’ve looked into grooming and the statistics on human trafficking, you’re going to sound uneducated. So many of those girls don’t even know they are being trafficked and have normalized their “handlers” as their boyfriend.
Either way, when I find out people use porn, I don’t directly condemn them or anything. But, in a relationship, if you’ve talked about it and set that boundary, then it absolutely is. I was in a relationship like that for 7 years, and this was a recurrent problem. My suggestion would be that if it bothers you (along with the break in communication and trust) then don’t stay. As someone else pointed out here, the addiction is hard to change and unless he is going to go to therapy or something, he’s not likely to stop, at least not forever.
If you view it as wrong and requested he not do it, then he is crossing a boundary that you set in the relationship therefore disrespecting your relationship and you.
It can be difficult for people who do not see it as wrong to stop, so you probably aren’t compatible.
If you said it is and it makes you feel that way then yes. I was in the same situation and I thank god everyday that he was there for me and was willing to change. He has not used porn or instagram or any of them ever since I expressed my feelings.
There are people in relationships who allow their partners to have sex with other people and don’t consider that cheating. There are people in relationships who think their partner even looking too long at another person on the street is cheating. You get to decide for yourself what cheating is, as long as you clearly establish that with your partner before the behavior happens that you have a problem with.
I personally think it’s pretty weird and unhealthy to consider pornography cheating, but you do you.
No
Damn, that’s tough. But tbh, it’s not abt whether porn = cheating or not, it’s abt respect. U said it was a boundary for u and he ignored that. That ain’t cool. Also, the commenting on other girls thing? Gross. Think u need to evaluate if this dude really values & respects u. You’re worth more than wasted self esteem, sis. 💯
I don’t agree with porn as cheating but if 5 months in and you’re feeling this way. you can move on easily if need be.
Porn is hard to give up, it’s like an addiction. It gives you a high.
Treat it that way too. .
Hard part is. It’s everywhere from soft core to hard and easy to find.
But you really need to step back and think. Maybe yours and his ideas in life aren’t the same.
Cause I find men will either agree that porn is cheating or not.
Most guys will be embarrassed and agree to whatever makes you happy cause they were caught but if they don’t agree they’ll just go back to watching it when they are alone.
If you made it clear you viewed it as cheating and he did not step up and say “I’m not okay with that” then it is reasonable to see this as a violation of a relational boundary. I’m not okay with it. For us it is seen as cheating
In the conventional sense – no. However, you can set whatever boundaries you want but they should be discussed and agreed in advance.