TL;DR: I (M 27y) started dating a woman (F 26y) with intense chemistry and a chaotic history. She’s loving in person (She acepts to take couple terapy) but does weekend ghosting, blocks/unblocks me on IG/WhatsApp, and keeps me hidden from parts of her social circle. She also shows “partial transparency” (e.g., old flirty chats with other guys, hesitating on recent ones). I’m poly and okay with her seeing others if we’re honest, but the inconsistency messes with my head. I used to be pretty naive about “dating strategies”—push–pull, intermittent reinforcement, triangulation—and only learned to name these patterns after meeting her. I’m trying to tell manipulation from emotional dysregulation/trauma and build a plan that protects both of us.

Is there a way to shift this toward being purely sexual but more honest and consistent

Background (short)

• She disclosed heavy stuff early: abandonment, poverty/violence growing up, abusive exes, past stimulant use (claims sober for years), later alcohol, lots of risky casual encounters.
• With me, she says she’s in AA + therapy, and even suggested couples therapy.
• In person she’s sweet, affectionate, open; we have great chemistry.
• Digital life is messy: weekend ghosting (says “with family”), block/unblock cycles, and reluctance about public visibility (she posted a “I love you” story but hid it from family/friends; sometimes follows new guys while I’m still restricted).

I’m poly, not demanding exclusivity—I need honesty and safety, not control.

Why I’m confused (possible “tactics” I’m seeing)

• Intermittent reinforcement: long silences → big affection when we meet → repeat. (Very “casino brain”—hard to detach.)
• Push–pull / scarcity: warm invites then last-minute excuses (“maybe the universe doesn’t want it”), then reappears loving.
• Social proof / preselection: adds new men on IG while I’m still blocked; keeps some “doors open” with old flirty chats.
• Plausible deniability: promises (post photo, meet time) that later get softened or delayed.
• Partial transparency: shows old messages, hesitates on recent ones, then gives a quick glimpse.

At the same time, there are genuine signals:

• She apologized for blocking, offered more openness, showed up for plans with my friends, posted us (even if hidden from some), and says she wants to “do things right.”

I’m trying to separate conscious strategy/manipulation from trauma-driven dysregulation.

What feels real vs. what feels tactical

Leans genuine (dysregulation):

• She repairs after pulling away (apologizes, does something concrete—shows up, shares, posts).
• She’s willing (at least verbally) to do AA/therapy, even couples therapy.
• The ghosting clusters on weekends → looks contextual (family shame/avoidance), not random malice.

Leans manipulative (strategy):

• If the sweet phases only happen to reset me and there’s zero sustained change (no therapy, no communication norms), that’s classic push–pull.
• If public secrecy + new men + blocked partner persists despite agreements, that’s more control than anxiety.

Right now she shows both, which is why I want a behavior-based test.

What I want now is clarity:

• Is there a way to shift this toward being purely sexual but more honest and consistent (casual but clear boundaries)?
• Or is it realistic that I could build something more formal and stable with her if I focus on making her feel safe and secure?

Any advice for someone new to dating—how to set boundaries, read these signals better, and avoid being manipulated—would be hugely appreciated 🙏.