This has happened to me twice lately and things went down almost exactly the same way both times: I went on a couple nice dates with a guy, and in between dates he’d text me multiple times a day, every day. It was never anything substantial, always just “how’s work” or “what are you up to today” and my responses would usually just get one-word responses in return.
I like texting but honestly, the boring smalltalk every day with multiple men is just so tedious in the early stages of dating. If we’re not talking about anything interesting and aren’t getting to know each other more or making plans, I really don’t see the point of constant communication over text.
Both times, I tried to explain in the kindest possible way that I have a limited capacity for texting, I’m not big on daily smalltalk and prefer to connect in person, and that I’d rather reserve communication between dates for more substantial or logistical conversations. I know that might sound cold so let me reiterate that I was very nice and gentle about it and made it about my own communication style and not anything they did wrong.
Regardless, both of them were upset and I didn’t hear from either of them again. Is there a better way that I could have approached this conversation? Is there a way to tell someone you want to hear from them less without hurting their feelings? Or is it just a fundamental incompatibility? Or even possibly a red flag that I set a boundary and they bailed?
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No y’all just weren’t aligned communication style wise
So, I have a rule. Once the first date happens, if I met you on the apps, you get ONE reply a day max (this can be a burst of texts but just one reply ‘slot’). Even if I think you have potential, you get one! Otherwise I found these men will just text you, try to call you, idk I think set the precedent early.
Some dudes do get upset by this yes, but if the opportunity comes up on the first or second date I slip into conversation that I don’t really text between dates. So like, I warned them and was open. If it was a deal breaker for one of these guys I think I just wouldn’t see them again because it seems like an incompatibility? I’d worry what they’d expect for me after a few months of dating if they want me to text them like we’re bf/gf in the first week!
I’d just say that ‘I’m not big on texting, I’d rather just catch up in person’. And if they get their feelings hurt over that and stop talking to you then it wasn’t meant to be.
I also don’t like small-talk over texts, I find it distracting and draining (especially if they want to have whole ass conversations that way). I think texts are best for communicating logistics and making plans.
No strategic advice but I’m exactly the same as you. 🤷♀️
I despise ceaseless texting in the early days with app dates. Y’all are still basically strangers, life is busy, and I dislike the false intimacy generated by these constant digital pings. It feels (not saying it is) demanding and pushy.
Smalltalk is how you get to know someone in the early stages. If you aren’t interested in it then imo you shouldn’t be dating. This comes off as “how dare they be interested in getting to know me better.”
This is becoming the normal expectation. I’m also not a fan. It makes it feel like the first date never ends. I miss when there used to be a bit of down time between dates. The constant contact leads to a lot more burnout, imho.
You explained yourself well here. Just tell your dates what you told us. It’s kind and honest. Whether they accept it is out of your control. There are guys out there who will be understanding, you just have to find the right one!
I’m the same and just say “I’m really not great at texting” and if you like the person and want to see them again I follow it up with “but I really enjoy spending time in person together! What’s your week looking like? Want to grab a coffee?” Or whatever
You communicated your boundary and they didn’t respect it, be glad they showed you this early on.
Some people have anxious attachment styles and are looking for a codependent relationship. Others are bored and expect their partner to entertain them. Some have no life and expect their partner to occupy their free time. And its also possible they were controlling even if the messages started out mundane, it could easily escalate to “where are you/who are you with/why aren’t you answering” kind of messages.
Healthy communication means you kindly and explicitly states what works for you. It could be “Hey! We don’t know each others. We can chit-chat but only between 6-9, otherwise I prefer focusing on my day and enjoy it. You can reach out to me if it’s about a decision, or help, or something urgent”.
Using ghosting and silence to regulate a relationship is quite immature, and can lead to issues if people aren’t from the same cultural background.
> Regardless, both of them were upset and I didn’t hear from either of them again.
We don’t know you, or them. They might be bored and want an easygoing available companion. Or they might have been really excited about meeting you and wanted to connect. It’s people after all.
I mean, you can’t really control other people’s reactions to what you say. What you said was fine but a lot of guys might be turned off by that. That’s not really your problem though. It just means you two weren’t aligned. Just move on to the next guy.
I’d just like to start out by saying that your feelings are valid, and if you don’t like small talk that’s totally fine. But I am going to push back on a couple of things… 1) small talk is 100% a way to get to know someone, as it helps build rapport to get comfortable with people. So a conversation may start out with “what are you up to today” but can turn into a deep conversation about values, our family/friends, or a whole host of other things. 2) asking for questions about how you’re doing and what your up to is a way of showing interest in someone that you don’t know well. He can’t very well ask specific questions (like how your BFF’s cat is doing after surgery, this is just an example) if he doesn’t know anything about you.
I feel like the issue is multiple men, obviously it’s annoying and if we can sometimes notice when a guy is talking to multiple girls, I imagine they felt similarly. I’m not shaming, it’s just there’s only so much attention you can give without literally dedicating your date to texting.. and as a bad texter I can empathize in that sometimes smalltalk conversations aren’t conducive to anything..
I ran into this a few times. My partner is more of a texter than I am. I communicated my preferences and he was the first one that was cool with it. Other men seemed to need me to be available to talk immediately when they are. I carved out windows of time when I’m able to chat a bit with my partner and then we go about our days. We don’t see each other often as we live apart so I do have to make an effort to not let our connection die with the distance.
I need to ask, are you that into these guys? I used to think I just didn’t like talking to people that often and needed space, until I met my husband and realized I had just never been that into the guys I previously dated.
Also if you are busy at work, they should be understanding if you don’t reply right away or even for a couple of hours or a whole day.
Some people, too often men, cannot tolerate the slightest bit of criticism — no matter how constructive, and no matter the purpose.
They feel humiliated and ashamed. Is it an overreaction? Yes. Is it rational? No. Is it expected? All too often.
Editing to add: All too often it isn’t even presented as criticism, but as an expression of difference in needs. I need to focus on my work during the day, so I don’t respond to text messages.
I remember when I was still married and our son was a toddler. My ex and I had a date night planned, and the babysitter came over while I was getting ready. My ex spent the next 30 minutes chatting up the babysitter while our toddler was hanging out with me while I was trying to get dressed, do my hair, put on a little makeup. When we finally got out of the house, I said to my ex, “So, hey, it’s really hard for me to get ready when kiddo is hanging out with me. Next time we have a babysitter, can you please let her focus on kiddo so that I can finish getting ready?” I shit you not, he was absolutely enraged by this. Shaking hands and berating me all the way to the movie theater.
It’s fundamental incompatibility and a bit of a red flag, imo.
Years ago, a guy started sending me daily “Good morning!” texts after one date, and it felt hollow and too close from someone who was almost a stranger. I would reply, “how’s your day going?” and I got radio silence or one word replies in return and then more “good morning!” messages every morning. It was like he wanted a veneer of connection without actually trying to get to know me as a person.
I’m like you; I don’t like to text unless there is a point to it. There’s this classic on e-maintaining, which addresses the issue.
Finally, I replied something akin to, “thanks for the good morning texts, but I prefer to keep texts for having conversations. I’m not really a fan of daily morning check-ins.” Didn’t hear from him at all…
… until he texted me a year later to reconnect, and I had forgotten who he even was.
I discovered he was married with two Facebook profiles: one for his single life and one with his wife and young daughter. I was not sad to lose out on him by any stretch. Plus he had openly, heavily flirted with the server during our one date, as if they had a hot and heavy thing going, and I was literally meeting him for the first time. It felt like I was interrupting their role play. It was a major turnoff, because I fight over no man with anyone. Like girl, you can have him. In hindsight, I should have gotten up and left the date then.
So yeah, on the hollow good morning texts, I don’t feel bad for telling people that’s not my communication preference. If that’s too big of a request for them to honor, we aren’t compatible. Plus, daily good morning texts feels more appropriate for once you get to know someone more or are in a relationship with them, not in the first few dates to me.
I kinda wanna see the messages cause I’m the same way as you. Ive always gotten really positive responses from men when ive said simply “I’m not a big texter I just hate being glued to my phone.” The usual response I’ve gotten is “thank god”
Honestly I find it’s such a turnoff that I just assume we aren’t aligned and stop seeing them. I enjoy texting with someone I like but only if there is some actual substance to the texting or a fun, flirtatious energy. Text me something interesting or don’t text me at all.
If im genuinely interested in a guy i do like to text frequently. Some people are boring texters and if they asked me every day how work was, I’d probably get annoyed only because my job isnt that exciting. Id rather talk about something that gets my mind off being at work.
It’s just an incompatibility. I’d stop seeing you too, but it doesn’t mean anything negative about you.
When you match set the boundary. “I don’t text much between dates, I’d rather get to know you in person. I know this doesn’t work for everyone. So just letting you know.”
Then hold the boundary. I would respond to texts one time per day, in the evening or whatever.
I’ve been out of the dating game for a while, but I feel this with anyone. I had one friend in particular who would message me regularly with the same “how are you?” Or “how’s life?” and there’s only so many ways to say I’m doing well, and with the regularity of the latter question you’d think he thought I was skydiving or going to a new country every other day instead of having a boring 9-5 job to go to every day. I just don’t get needing to know that on such a regular basis and having that be the extent of the conversation.
As for your approach to asking this of prospective dates, I don’t think you asked a lot, they just don’t have the same way of communicating I guess. Hopefully, they’re not taking it personally, but they may very well be, and if so, then I would think you’ve dodged a bullet if they take a request for boundaries as an attack on them.
I feel this so hard. The one time I told someone I wasn’t into texting, they said they felt the same way and then basically continued until I didn’t want to meet them anymore.
Maybe in the future I’d say something like “I’m not really a texter but I’m looking forward to getting to know you better when we see each other again!”
It sounds like you were clear. The only other thing that may help is specifically adding something like this if you’re not already: “if you’d like to catch up, let’s plan another date! I’m available (dates) – what works for you?”
It’s implied in what you’re saying that you’re open to another date since you do bother to respond, but a lot of people are bad at inferring things like that. It’s also directly putting the next action on them.
But like I said you were pretty clear already in your examples so if you don’t feel like hitting them with a Clue x 4 I don’t think what I suggested is strictly necessary either.
If I notice someone doing this, I forcefully change the tone of the conversation, because I also hate meaningless “check in” texting. So after one round of “how was your day/fine how was yours/fine”, I respond with a specific topic and see how they react. If they don’t engage after that, then we’re not a match.
I actually really like texting but detest the continuous stream of conversation when just getting to know someone at first. Makes it feel like forced intimacy! Unfortunately, not everyone gets that and will take offense.
I would just toss out a “hey I’m sorry I can’t talk much during work hours, but let me know when you’re free for our next date!” using whatever wording you prefer.
I agree with you. However, with the way our culture is, they’re probably so used to many relationships being dependent on texting that they are just following suit. Also, I think most women want the daily messages.
Like you, I would rather not do the daily stuff unless it’s a serious relationship. Otherwise, I feel like our “dating” is being some via text. I want to see their face, their reaction, that sort of thing.
I would personally just say something along the lines of how I really value face-to-face interactions and while I appreciate them checking in daily, they really don’t need to. If they get upset and stop messaging, oh well. Just be nice about it.
I don’t think there is a better way, and I think it’s for the best.
I ended up being in a relationship with men (and married one), who loves texting (small talk and random updates) throughout the day. It doesn’t stop, it usually intensify in the relationship since they are thinking of me. Sweet but I don’t like it. It was constantly an issue for us since they feel connected through it while I get annoyed.
After I learned my lesson, and started dating, I was more open to stating my preferences – I was still nice about it since I understood some ppl connected that way. Some men were hurt and stopped texting all together, while others faded.
So far, I find myself enjoying the dating experience, and relationship better when they have similar phone/texting habits as mine. So it is def one of my filters when dating.
I’m the same. I feel hard the mental load of having to reply quickly to texts while dating because otherwise you’re seen as not interested enough or boring or whatever. I had guys double text me when I haven’t texted back after an hour or even 15-20 minutes and some doesn’t even add anything to the conversation (eg a smiley or “How are you?”). It’s annoying. I don’t want to hang out beside my phone all the time, and even when I’m scrolling, it doesn’t mean I have the mental bandwith to reply to text. Sometimes I’m working. I even tried to warn a guy I wasn’t a big texter, but he still got frustrated with me this way. I mean wtf, chill, people.
I run into this a lot. The thing is, I LOVE getting to know someone via text. I love texting between dates. However, it has to be GOOD texting. Stuff of substance, not just meaningless “good morning” and “how’s your day” repetitive stuff. The thing is, I’ve gotten good texting before in the early stages. You know, when I get excited to get the texts, when it’s never tedious even though we are a new connection. So like…I know it’s possible…so when men only serve up boring small talk via text, I don’t even want to bother meeting for a date. So well, regrettably, I don’t think there’s a nicer or better way. I think these men are boring or bad texters, so it’s a fundamental incompatibility.
No, you just wouldn’t have worked out as a couple. Some people need the ongoing communication as that’s part of developing and maintaining a “spark.” It’s pretty expected to be in constant contact if you like someone.
I think you were right on OP. I have also noticed this constant and instant intimacy behavior to be paired with love bombing/ghosting later on down the line. I think it aligns with a lack of impulse control (ie, I want, I want, I want—must secure my want … and then later … nothing when they can’t communicate their sudden anxiety and fear and they ghost).
I also did what you did OP and communicate that the constant barrage was “a little overwhelming” to a date and poof they disapparated.
No added advice but I know what you mean.
What I hate is the people that say if I don’t want to text constantly or don’t reply IMMEDIATELY that it sends the message that I’m not interested. Usually it’s women complaining about men not replying instantly and then other women ( on Reddit of course) jumping in and saying that if he’s not answering quickly enough he’s a flake or just not interested. I’m old enough to remember when people weren’t expected to be constantly available and yet somehow people still maintained relationships.
Sorry. Rant over.
This happens a lot when there no real chemistry. No motivation to have deeper conversations or having a conversation that flows easily.
> It was never anything substantial, always just “how’s work” or “what are you up to today” and my responses would usually just get one-word responses in return.
Honestly, this alone would make me lose interest in them. No man who is genuinely interested in you would do that IMO. If they don’t want to put in the effort to reply, they could simply not send the text in the first place.
> Regardless, both of them were upset and I didn’t hear from either of them again.
I would consider this a blessing in disguise, personally. Imagine how resolving an actual, serious conflict in a relationship would go.
You already said you explained in the kindest way possible. You can’t do any more than that. If they reacted badly to that, it’s not on you. That’s a pretty strong signal to just move on.
There’s really not tbh. Small talk will always feel like unnecessary labor for some of us I think. And a lot of guys tend to take any sort of anything that could be perceived as criticism super personally and get butthurt about it, so maybe red flags dodged to some extent.
That being said, you still have some options that could potentially work in your favor in the future.
My favorite: Reply to low effort bar is set in hell questions with a funny/unhinged gif, + “HBU?” 😂😂
See if they make any real effort in their own response, and use their response to gage WHY they’re making small talk: are they looking to be asked in return so that they have someone to complain about things to? Are they doing it because they want you to know that they’re still interested in you between dates, but they’re at a loss for how to actually interact with women because they don’t have any female friends?
Ask them riddles. Give them side quests. Send them reading homework that you’d like to discuss with someone. Set the tone you’re looking for, and see who steps up to play. 😏
I also had to tell this to multiple guys when I was single and dating. I guess I said it reallllly nicely, because they typically said they understood and then completely ignored it and continued texting me in the exact same way. I just took it as evidence that we weren’t compatible and moved on, and that’s what I would recommend 😂
I’ve noticed a lot of men equate communication frequency with interest. (I’m sure women do this too but I date men)
It doesn’t seem to matter what the quality of the communication is. It’s this anxiety that if a woman isn’t seeking them out to chat every day, then she’s not interested or he’s about to be rejected. That anxiety gets fuelled when there’s silence, and then they get upset.
I have a male friend who’s losing his mind because a girl has gone overseas and didn’t message for two days. She directly promised to keep in touch. She didn’t promise to keep texting every day. She’s still messaging him when she can, but she’s literally on holiday. He couldn’t see that she IS meeting the expectation that she established, and it’s actually his inability to lower his expectations in response that’s causing his anxiety…
So, I guess there could be a compromise, where you directly communicate you’re interested and lay out what they can expect from you. Then be consistent.
If they don’t like it, they’re not for you. If they relax and adjust their mindset because you’ve reassured them, they are promising.
I think its just an incompatibility. I prefer texting between dates and I will even initiate once I know I like someone. I have instances in the past where guys told me they couldn’t engage much because of work or just didn’t respond much and it felt a little neglectful to me personally. You can always say that you’re swamped but really looking forward to plans and I will back off. But I didnt get angry or anything I just see it as an incompatibility because I like to connect over text too.
The flip side of this: “she doesn’t want to talk to me, she must not be interested.”
You’re walking a fine line here. You could maybe put in your profile/ the first time they text that you don’t engage via that media but it’s such a commonplace way of saying “hey I’m thinking of you!” That I think it will be tricky.
I’m (46f) the same way. I find constant texting draining and a waste of time. Just say you’d rather catch up in person.
YMMV but others have responded well when I phrased things in a humorous manner while also offering some specific alternatives/examples.
“I’m never going to be interested in the weather (unless there’s a volcano erupting within my vicinity), I rather give myself paper cuts than talk about what we had for lunch (unless you tried fugu for the first time and have to take a trip to the ER), and for our collective sanity – let’s just assume we always spend either too much or too little total time unconscious with varying degrees of overall quality.
In lieu of the typical mind-numbing chatter, I’d much rather dive into odd, random, or hyper-specific queries that genuinely interest you and spark your curiosity. Please send any and all long form video essays, blog posts, or podcasts about topics you’re currently interested in and fascinated by. Let’s (playfully) argue about the significance of hair styles in animated movies (Ariel’s hair obeys an internal logic that’s both unique to her movie and entirely distinct when compared to how Aurora’s locks move).
I have a playlist full of my favorite long form video essays and would welcome the opportunity to talk about any of them with you. I’m getting back into ASL and if you have any interest, it’d be a lot of fun to have a study buddy.”
I ask about what they’re learning, what they’ve already developed some level of mastery in, what intimidates them, and one thing they can’t imagine themselves doing. Then I look for any opportunities where they might be able to teach me (and vice versa), and how we can turn “going for the scary thing” into some kind of friendly challenge.
This approach has lead to a lot of interesting exchanges. For a while, I’d take turns reading and recording poems that I really enjoyed. A few times every week, I’d receive an audio note from the other person. It allowed me to learn about the things that spoke to them, and hear how their comfort/confidence shifted over time.
I’ve picked up video games that are not at all the kind I’d normally go for, on the basis that they then had to play an equal number of hours in a game of my choice.
I also enjoy drawing games, and it has nothing to do with artistic skill. Just passing a digital file back and forth and building a story, or trying to guess the name of a movie, developing an original character for a random scenario that popped up as a result of discussing which kind of natural disaster is the most terrifying.
If they have a movie/song/book they really enjoy – I ask them to reimagine it in an unexpected genre. Example: they mention Star Wars, so the challenge could be “now make it Sailor Moon/DragonBall Z”. How do the outfits change? What about the personalities?
If you haven’t imagined Darth Vader undergoing a princess powered starlight transformation sequence, can you really say you’ve lived?
If you generate your own list of fun questions, then it’s generally easier to kick things off. Not everyone finds it easy to channel their inner silliness within a dating context, so I just assume I’ll have to be the one to break the ice. If they’re unwilling or unable to either try going along with the path I’m indicating or offer an alternative (and equally interesting) path of their own; then I know to politely wrap things up and move along.
Curiosity, not taking things too seriously, knowing how to be playful/a bit silly, and demonstrating a willingness to engage in sincere conversations are some of the things I value most about myself and others.
Overall, I’ve noticed that others tend to be as worn out and uninterested in the typical patterns as I am. So regardless of anything else, I usually learn at least one new thing and spend some time laughing.
I hate that this is the norm now—texting all day every day about nothing particularly important.
I like short daily check-in’s via text after the first date, but even then, I don’t put that much stock in them. I’d much rather connect and build a relationship in person.
If grown ass men get their feelings hurt about your communication style, that seems like a them problem. I think you were respectful in your requests.
It sounds like this is a communication/neediness compatibility issue to work out. If you tell them that you feel this way in a gentle and diplomatic way and they get upset by it and it doesn’t roll off, then perhaps you were not really compatible anyway.
I’m the same- daily texts about nothing in particular, just talking for the sake of talking, FOR ME, is for established relationships only. Its fucking weird that the fashion these days is to start acting like an established relationship without doing the courtship to establish a relationship.
Sounds like you dodged two bullets. Well done
I have a feeling that perhaps these guys who start, but cannot carry, a conversation are just duds.
I’m also not all about endlessly texting in between dates – even with substance! Connection should be in person for 80% of a new relationship, imo. I like when people send little “thought of you” texts with a meme or while they were out and about or something. But I don’t need a full run down everyday of someone’s life – especially when I barely know them.
Give dates a heads up that you prefer to connect in person and not over text on the first date and that you’re like that until things get more serious.
If people want access to you, they need to earn it. But a lot of people want cheap and easy validation and attention without the actual work of intimacy and connection
I would press you a bit to consider whether these people were that great in person, or if you managed to have a nice time because of yourself in those situations, which is why the guys fall flat over text where they’d have to make some substantial contribution. In general, the one-word-response texters are simply not engaging conversationalists and the compatibility won’t be these after you scratch the surface.
I fucking hate texting unless it’s about logistics. I don’t even do daily texts with my actual friends or partner. I would call it a lucky escape if they show their colours by getting upset over something as minor as politely declining to engage in low-effort daily texts.
Just don’t reply or only deal with the messages at a certain time every day. You don’t have to be available 24/7. Especially if their text game is “wyd”, “haha”. If they’re not bothering to ask or talk about something meaningful then I cut them off.
There’s a chance you just don’t like these guys. When I first started talking to my bf there would be ESSAYS to each other about the most random and deep stuff.
Some men like to collect women to text with when bored and don’t have any real intentions of forming a true relationship. Seems like it’s possible they fell into that bucket. The last guy I dated didn’t text too often, because we both work busy jobs during the day. But he would often call me in the evenings and we would have long conversations over the phone. It was very refreshing. So there definitely are men out there that can and will match your communication style.
One of the first green flags I saw with my partner is that when I told him he was texting me too much, he thanked me for letting him know, we talked about it, and he walked it back. Tell them and their response will tell you what you need to know.
Keep on repelling people who can’t handle your polite requests. It stinks it has happened two times in a row, but dating is a numbers game. You can’t find a good match when you’re stuck trying to make a bad match work. Your request is not unreasonable. It may not suit everyone, but those people should move on. Let them move on. You’re not compatible with everyone and that’s okay.
Respond as you have been and just say “hey, I want to keep some stuff to talk about on our next date.” But if you want to use texts to schedule that next date, then you gotta do that part too.
It sounds like these guys don’t know what to text but do know that they are supposed to text the next day. Can you redirect to a topic of conversation from the date?
Why not take the ‘how’s work” as just a greeting. Respond with your short answer then follow with real talk. No one really cares about your work, theyre just looking for a way in to interacting with you. Getting know new people is hard.
You get back what you put in. Personally, going a day without talking is perfectly OK for me. But silence between dates means not interested. Based on DatingOver30 sub i believe both women and men can feel that way. So just be careful what youre asking for.
If you set a boundary and they cannot respect it, then it was not meant to be. I, as a male, find myself falling into the trap of small talk a lot and I am trying to learn how to converse better in text and in person.
Yea i thought i was the only girl thinking like this. Idk what is it, is that bc i reached certain age or life/ work just gets busier, i tend to find myself do not have that mental capacity to text so much, or even date anyone 🥹 is this normal? Ughhh