Hi everyone, hope you guys are well đ
Please give a culturally sensitive opinion keeping in view that I am (albeit open-minded) a girl 27F living in south asia. So Iâve been seeing this guy 32M since 3 weeks. Iâve mentioned on my dating profile that I am Child-free by choice. We hit it off pretty well and quickly. On our third or fourth date, we got a little intimate- making out etc. On the following date he tells me he wants to share something with me. He had gotten an offer of acceptance for a masters programme in the US, which he deferred for a year since he doesnât have the finances right away. Now ofc I was happy for him but it took me aback a little and I told him that since I donât plan on moving abroad, our futures might not be aligned and that this might not work out. I also said to him that it is always better to get the dealbreakers out of the way like I did by being transparent about being CF. He tells me that he was going to ask me to come with him but I feel like itâs too soon to commit to something like that with someone Iâve only known since 3 weeks and anyway this wasnât a mutual decision so I canât just decide on a whim (esp when I know I donât want to go). To that he says that he could possibly think about not going at all if Iâm not ready by that time but I feel like this is a decision he should be taking for himself without putting that responsibility on me. After this discussion, he tries to kiss me but I stop him saying that we should hold back on the physical stuff to avoid getting too attached incase it doesnât work out (he knows I have boundaries and would never be physically intimate with someone unless I see a future with them). He seemed upset that now I feel differently about him, and that it wouldâve been different if I had said no to being intimate from the start but now it seems like things have changed. At that point it seemed like he was taking a moment to reanalyse stuff and got teary eyed. Then he said: âyes youâre right we do have our differences for e.g you donât want kids and I do.â We ended up arguing a little more after which he leaned in to kiss me again and this time we do get a little intimate. During all of this, he touched me âdown thereâ but I told him that itâs hurting me, to which he said: âno itâs not hurtingâ. I had to then forcefully stop him.
Afterwards, we were having a discussion on kids and it clearly seemed that he wanted kids down the line ALTHOUGH he mentioned that his only dealbreaker is disloyalty (heâs been cheated on multiple times in the past). We were having a discussion during which he mentioned that if (or when) he wants kids, his first plan of action would be to try and convince me. After a few days I revisited my boundary with him about not being physically intimate and he seemed to understand and said he would respect it. I was feeling a bit better after this but later he passed some comments which made me uneasy like:
⢠â (referring to a colleague who is good looking and lives in another country) âI wish she was in our countryâs officeâ
⢠â calling his ex a bad name
⢠â referring to hypothetical A level female students if he were a teacher (I myself am a teacher): âwill they be ripe and readyâ (in a naughty but seemingly harmless sexual way)
⢠â âiâll teach you all the sex positionsâ (iâm a virgin)
⢠â (referring to a trip to Europe): âweâll go to (insert countryâs name) as thereâll be pretty girls there and then I wonât need youâ
I feel very conflicted as he is generally sweet and wants to see me everyday but the aforementioned are some points I just canât seem to shake off. Do you guys think this is a recipe for disaster?
TL;DR I (27F, South Asia) have been seeing a guy (32M) for 3 weeks. He recently revealed that he intends to pursue a Masters programme in the US and also wants kids (I donât intend to relocate for the near foreseeable future and am CF by choice). I suggested we slow down physical intimacy to avoid attachment incase our futures donât align, but we did end up being a little intimate anyway. During intimacy, he ignored me saying I was in pain and I had to forcefully stop him. He also made multiple inappropriate comments about women. While he later apologized and promised to respect boundaries, I feel conflicted because he makes me feel emotionally good otherwise. Unsure if I should stay or leave.