Do all long-term relationships face major challenges that could potentially end them, or do some only experience minor conflicts? Recently broke up because partner wasn’t willing to work through a difficult but solvable issue. Are crisis-free relationships real?
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Yeah, there are plenty of crisis free relationships. They are usually people who got together later in life, so they knew themselves better.
Been married for 48 years, haven’t had any significant problems, yes we fight but at this point it’s nothing we can’t work out.
vote republican
Married for 35 years. We have never had a major fight. We have yelled at each other probably twice in the 35 years. Even when we were broke, we didn’t fight, we just made a plan and took care of what ever the problem was. We have both put the other first since we have been married. Now happily retired.
Several. Perhaps had either one or both of us had resources to involve attorneys to aid in divorce or if there was financial incentive in terms of alimony or whatever , separation might’ve happened.
But we were broke!
We arrived in separate vehicles to a family funeral because she was coming from home and I was coming from night shift . A relative quietly inquired “ are u two still together?”
I chuckled and said Ha , We couldn’t afford divorce !
In all seriousness, we both were and are tremendously flawed. We were blessed with 2 perfect and gorgeous kids. Smart, caring , funny kids. Ur spouse drives u crazy and u imagine life without them but…..now it’s not just YOUR life….
That might not apply to OP but what I came here to say is that one must take inventory of one’s own shortcomings, fails , SINS
I was definitely not the easiest guy to live with. For starters. And that’s being charitable.
There is a lot of power in forgiveness.
And life isn’t this long story we get to author every detail of to the conclusion.
At this point , we rarely argue . Nobody is keeping score of credits and demerits. Particularly from the past though there are many on both sides.
Take assiduous inventory of urself the same way u document and bookmark every one of their shortcomings.
Physical abuse, mental abuse , substance abuse , child abuse. Yeah there are definitely valid reasons for severing the relationship.
But despite a long list of stuff we’ve both inflicted on one another, we are still together. U forgive one another and move forward together.
I’d say for the last 5 years, Our relationship has been crisis free. We feel our own mortality, we see what we’ve been blessed with , we understand that we are entitled to nothing , separately nor together.
U forgive and move forward.
My parents constantly fought over my chronically unemployed uncle, my mom’s younger brother who slept on our couch, and constantly borrowed money he could never pay back.
Dad wanted to kick him out, calling him a lazy no good bum. Mom defended him, always saying that he was just going through a rough patch. It was a weekly fracas that upset my siblings.
So it was obvious to me that fighting only made bad situations worse and I was determined that I would never be like them.
I wasn’t, but I also married a woman from the Middle East who was brought up to do whatever the husband wanted. I could have taken advantage of that – but how could I face myself in the mirror?
My wife succumbed to leukemia 4 years ago. The ONLY disagreement we had was choosing the name of our youngest son. We eventually flipped a coin, my ‘good luck’ JFK half dollar. It never failed me. Kennedy may have stopped the Cuban Missile Crisis but he let me down.
I have been married for over 30 years. We started out with a lot of conflict – he likes to manipulate (irresistible force), and I like to be left to myself (immovable object). There were some spectacular events, like the explosion that happened on our first married Valentine’s Day we still jokingly reference as the St. Valentine’s Day Massa-cree.
The cost of divorce and sheer stubbornness to honor our marriage vows kept us in the relationship long enough to figure out how to get along. We grew up. He learned to respect boundaries, and I learned to temper my responses.
There are some areas in which my spouse and I simply agree to disagree, and move forward. It is a hallmark of our maturity that we don’t need the other to agree to feel peaceful and valued.
Betrayal. I don’t believe this would ever occur. I’ve never encountered a more honest person than my wife. Shares everything, even the most extraordinarily mundane. We first met, in 1975, didn’t date til 2000. My best friend, and lover since.
We’ve had a few bad times, but we both understood “that for better or worse” means for better or worse, and that commitment got us through it
Married 30 years, no major problems, rarely had cross words until one day he announced he was leaving for a coworker young enough to be his daughter. So if your spouse is severely avoidant and emotionally detached, I should have walked away long ago, but never had a clue he was the slightest bit unhappy.
As for challenges.. the biggest was the loss of our first child. Complications at 7 months in and sent to the hospital to induce early.. Well, our little girl didn’t make it. The period in the aftermath of that tragedy was very sketchy emotional territory. We both were in deep post partum depression but probably because we were able to get medical answers as to why it happened we got through it together and came out stronger together.. Went on to have two more beautiful kids who are now awesome adults.
25 years with no major issues. Reason one.. our marriage was a financial corporate merger, not a partnership. When it comes to income and expenses there is no his/hers, yours/mine. It’s all OURS. My wife has always earned more than me.. but she never rubbed that in my face or insisted she have more say in financial matters. More marriages fail due to financial infidelity than due to sexual infidelity.. FWIW after about 8 years I caught up to her income bracket. We still have personal separate accounts in addition to the joint main account,, and send a small portion of our direct deposits there for fun money, hobbies, gifts, etc but that’s after the bills get paid and savings set aside.. everything equal and shared regardless of who earns what.
Another thing we see as a potential source of conflict is transparency vs privacy. Our lives are open books to each other. Phones are also community property assets.. Yes there is the one I primarily use and there is the one she primarily uses but like cars, they are OURS, not mine vs hers and we have full access to everything on both. That said, because no red flags, nobody ever feels the need or urge to snoop or spy on the other.
Finally, emotional intimacy stays strong. We keep the romance and sparks burning bright. It was challenging and those things had started slipping away in the chaos of raising little kids and the crazy career demands earning money to afford said kids. We make sure to treat each other just like we did when we were trying to win them over versus letting things get routine complacent, and taking each other for granted. Instead of a morning half hearted “I love you” with a quick kiss… It’s more like “I’m STILL madly IN love with you” and some intimate cuddling before diving in to the day. . If you don’t keep fanning that flame, someone else might.. And sometimes that happens before they even realize that it was missing at home and BAM! an emotional affair blooms with coworker or friend or person at gym or … you’ve all heard about it happening and the spouse had no idea things weren’t actually “fine” at home..
Definitely. The worst were behaviors that made me feel like a non-entity. There were many times I could (and almost did) walk away.
Lots of should have walked away from, the could is the hard part. Abandoning the kids, all my assets, and the property was not OK.
The result is a 20 year stalemate. No crises, no outbursts, just a flat line. Getting beyond trying to solve the unsolvable saves a lot of mental energy. Our time here is short. I need to spend it as well as I can, given the circumstances that are. Being angry about what could be makes it hard to enjoy what is.
The only time I considered it was during a particularly stressful time where family friends of my husband died. My mistake was not realizing how deeply the grief hit him & how important this couple had been to him. His behavior changed some typical of mourning,(sleep disturbances, lack of appetite) but also uncharacteristic (not danerous or abusive but secretive). Thank God, he was open to counseling — it was short-term both individual grief for him & marriage for us. He is not a talker, especially about feelings so counseling was crucial in this process. If he couldn’t express pent-up emotions to me for whatever reason, he could with the counselor privately.
I still think back to the best pieces of advice I got was
I often think back to that time & how glad I was we were able to get help for the journey. But, we both needed to accept the help. As we’ve experienced additional grief since then, I can see how the experience hits everyone differently. I wish I had known better back then but it made me feel helpless enough to reach out for counseling. Live & learn.
Lots of stuff. I probably should have walked away a few – if not several times.
Instead, I recognized her weakness and came to understand her better over time. We’ve been together now for almost 50 years – and happily, I might add.
Don’t misconstrue, though. I paid her back in kind, and then some.
Severe alcoholism.
Yes, crisis-free relationships are real. It takes being two crisis-free individuals in what we call a “clean” relationship who value it remaining clean. We practice a kind of relationship wabi-sabi.
Both my spouse and I are deeply into recovery — from our dysfunctional upbringing, the appalling education we received, the massively dysfunctional culture, etc. so that now we are self actualized, crisis-free and choose very carefully who we get involved with knowing they likely won’t be like us. This took both expanding awareness and a kind of work that most lack the fortitude to manage.
We have been married 40 years and have faced difficult issues together. But they have been things we faced as a team. The type of stuff life throws at you, like job loss, the death of loved ones, illness, etc. Given enough time, I suspect every couple faces this kind of thing. The important thing is that you work together to deal with this stuff and support each other.
There are a handful of things I would walk away from without a second thought. Infidelity, any interest in non monogamy, abuse, addiction that the addict refuses treatment for, etc.
Crisis can mean anything… would I leave if my husband got diagnosed with a life threatening illness, no. Would I leave if he became a danger, absolutely BTDT
First husband was diagnosed NPD and BPD (didn’t know until near divorce he was clinically diagnosed). His family knew he had issues but never disclosed how dangerous he had been in the past. His mom was an enabler. He refused to take accountability for his own actions, and when he became violent, I left after 6 years of marriage.
Second (current) husband I can’t imaging being without. He’s amazing in every way. We have the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life. We communicate, respect one another, give space when needed, and support each other.
W have been married for almost 30 years and never had a fight. We have rarely different opinions but we always find respectful way to address them.
Why, yes. We went through some tough patches. But we were both committed to solving problems together, we both love each other, and we both think of the other as a best friend and closest family. So the effort was worth it.
You can only stay together if both people are of sound, good character, both treat the other with fundamental respect, and both value the other person highly.
No. I made a commitment to my spouse and children.
Not religious, just principled.
Yes. We didn’t fight well in the early days. I came close to ending it and many would still feel I should have ( he put his hands on me). He has worked hard on himself and we are much better at conflict resolution now. As in years and years and years since anything like that has even come close to happening.
I think there is always something that comes up. When two people combine their lives together, there will always be something. Especially if they are independent people. It’s how you deal with it that is important. You can’t be selfish and neither can your partner.