Whenever the topic of having children comes up, it seems the comments are almost exclusively filled with women saying “if I could go back, I wouldn’t have gotten them”.
I had a conversation with an older co-worker, and he said “you’re tired everyday, exhausted, worried, no time, but also the happiest ever.” And to me, that does not sound convincing at all. I can definitely understand that the happiness of having a child is something you only know once you do, but at the same time, it feels like some heavy biological brainwashing goes on here. Your child is your blood and genes, so your brain goes into overdrive protecting it.
I feel so depressed hearing almost every woman say “I completely lose myself, my personhood, my identity, my independence, my free time, my youth, etc etc, butbutbut I’m so happy with this bundle of joy tho!!” or “I regret it every day but I am hanging on for my children.”
On the contrary, almost every single or childless woman says it’s the absolute best choice they made and they wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Yet the truth is,
If I am reading all these anecdotal experiences that prove being childless will make me SO much happier, then why is there still a part of me wanting otherwise? I feel, in a sense, betrayed by my biology. I hate that there is this desire in me of wanting to procreate and carry on genes. But it’s not just as rudimentary as that. It’s also the desire to build a family, have them crawl waddle walk and run, watch them grow and develop their own personhood, be amazed at how much they have of you or your partner, or how different they will be instead, who they will become, what you will fight about, what dreams they will pursue, how they make the world theirs.
I hate wanting it, despite knowing the sacrifice will be my entire personhood. And I think I hate this the most: that deep down, no matter how much I say I’m okay with being single forever, that I secretly wish to be so lucky to find a supportive partner who will make all of the above worth it for me.
Are there any people who relate? Or otherwise have advice, comments, etc?
Thanks for reading <3
Comments
In my friend cricle, most don’t have children and are living amazing lives.
One close friend had a severely autistic son. Her husband quickly bounced, her career suffered, he’s not potty trained now at 8, and her life is horrible.
I have another friend who two moderately autistic kids. Husband bounced of course. She’s just perpetually unhappy.
I have one who is borderline on it. She is sometimes happy with her kids, sometimes miserable. But, her husband just admitted an affair with a 25-year-old, so she is about to become a single mom. We’ll see how that goes. I can’t imagine he’s going to bother for 50/50.
I thought a friend of mine who has three was genuinely happy but she just admitted she regrets her second two and hasn’t had sex with her husband in 5 years because he disgusts her, so he’s been having discreet affairs.
All the childfree peeps are happy. Good marriages. Disposable income.
I don’t regret having my children, they didn’t ruin my life or anything. I do question whether it was the right choice given how things are in my country and the condition of the planet.
I have three kids and a career as well as a really great husband. My kids are the funnest, happiest, best thing in my life, full stop. They’re also difficult and time consuming and expensive. But they’re the best.
So no, I don’t regret it and wouldn’t change anything.
I don’t regret having her at all. I love the ways she has changed my life. What I think made a difference for me was that at no point did I see children as an obligation to my loins or anyone else. I waited until I personally was ready and I was 35. My finances were in order, in a good marriage and we had already done tons of traveling. I no longer liked going out. If you do it out of obligation I can see feeling regretful.
lol I definitely love being a mother. I do not like raising kids in our American society, but I love my kids and they’re the best people in my life and best part of my day. It’s never 100% joy: whatever you choose will have misery. That’s part of being human. That’s life. You look for the answers that reaffirm your own choices.
I love my sons and I enjoy being a mom. I don’t regret having kids one bit. I’ve gained strength from being a better mother to my kids than mine ever was to me.
I’m also blessed to have really good kids. They do good in school and don’t get into trouble.
Not to say parenting doesn’t have its struggles or hard times but I’ve genuinely never once looked at my kids and wished they were never born or that I didn’t have them.
Now- if I didn’t have kids TODAY I probably wouldn’t have any…not because I don’t want them but because of the current political climate and crazy expenses. Back in 2010, the future seemed bright….
I’m a childfree woman married to another childfree woman. At one point I messaged her saying, “omg. Woke up wanting babies. Taking the day off to drink about it.” (She thought it was funny) Then it went away. We don’t have to bend to all of our momentary yens.
I have zero regrets about my kiddo. We stopped at one because we knew that’s what we wanted and had bandwidth for and she’s amazing. I’m a better person and my life is so much richer with her in it. And I was totally ambivalent before having her. Parts are hard but she’s lovely and funny and adorable and unbelievably sweet. I also have a super supportive parter who does 60% of the childcare. Just as a datapoint.
> Whenever the topic of having children comes up, it seems the comments are almost exclusively filled with women saying “if I could go back, I wouldn’t have gotten them”.
What? Where have you been seeing that? I’ve almost never seen that online and certainly never heard it in real life. Most people don’t regret having children wtf?
As someone else said, there seems to be huge amount of confirmation bias in your “observations”
I don’t regret my children. I regret not having them earlier. Yes parenthood is challenging at times but even the worst times are not nearly as catastrophic as you describe it.
I’m glad I had my kids! They are now awesome adults. There were some difficult times but I wouldn’t change having them.
I don’t regret having my daughter. She’s an only and will stay that way.
There are difficult times, but she brings everyone who knows her so much joy.
Though, with the way things are going I worry that she’ll be caught up in it and I wonder if I should have had her. But, we can’t be afraid to raise dragon slayers in a time when there are actual dragons.
Children can give you your happiest times, and the roughest days of your life.
If you and your partner want a very tough but rewarding experience, it’s one of the greatest things to spend your time on.
If you and/or your partner aren’t willing to sacrifice for someone else, it can be a whole different thing.
I think the reason is it’s easy to describe the bad and hard parts but impossible to describe the good parts because when those good moments happen they feel just SO good there’s no words to describe it.
It’s maybe the hardest job in the world but it’s also the most meaningful to me. Honestly, the hard stuff melts away when you feel their head snuggle into you. Having a baby felt like starting life over again: their joy becomes your joy, their curiosity reignites yours. Everything becomes more intense: the hard stuff sure – but then also does the love. It’s the best. ❤️
I don’t regret my children. My life is very different now than it would have been without them, I arguably may have been happier. I’ve been exhausted, stressed out and angry for about 12 years now. I hear about those heartwarming moments that make everything worth it, but IDK they aren’t that frequent.
But they’re super cool humans. Difficult, but cool. Disasterously smart, very funny, kind, and we’re raising them to be critical thinkers. The next generation needs to happen, I did my part by adding cool humans that believe good things and treat people well. I don’t regret that.
Edit: Oh and I didn’t lose my personhood. I very much still am who I am. It’s harder to make time for that, but if you’re intentional about it, you don’t lose yourself. I still have my hobbies, I work on self development, etc. I think the people who think they lose themselves aren’t giving themselves enough grace to be who they really are. Sometimes it’s easier to get lost in “I’m just a mom” rather than put in the work of scheduling in your hobbies or working on yourself.
And the fun part is, with me being who I am, the kids are like me, too 🙂 Sarcastic smartasses who stand up for themselves and others. They burn me HARD on a regular basis and I love it every time. Even since they were toddlers. One time my son two he was FURIOUS at me for some reason and he was sitting in the car and thinking really hard, totally silent, and then he looks me dead in the soul and says “When I grow up, I’m going to open a store and fill it with everything you like and want and I WON’T EVER LET YOU SHOP THERE.” I died.
In the absolute fucking trenches with a four month old preemie and she is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. No regrets.
Lots of emotionally stunted adult children online.
i’m not disagreeing with anything you’re saying, i totally support you in your decisions. i would recommend the book ‘the baby decision’. it REALLY helped clarify things for me.
i don’t feel the way you do about kids at all. the closest i got was my early 30s, and it was deciding if a guy i was seeing was worth having a child for. i don’t have that maternal craving, i don’t care to watch a child grow into a person. so i’m unlike you in that way, but i get really wanting to know for sure what your personal decision is. the book helped me clarify my decision.
I don’t regret having my child. There are hard days to be sure, but I love my child and being a parent. It’s been a joy watching him grow into himself.
My husband has been a supportive partner and equal parent. We talked a lot about what parenting looked like for us, about how we wanted to raise a child. 10 years into this journey and we are still having those conversations because parenting changes based on who your child is and how old they are.
I adore my children. Lots of moments I didn’t enjoy motherhood, and absolutely feel that motherhood is a trauma sometimes. But I do not regret anything in my life.
I think something can be hard yet completely change your life for the better. I don’t regret having my children but I’m not going to pretend that having 2 toddlers 21 months apart is a walk in the park. I’m lucky enough to have a partner that is an involved parent and extended family that helps us out.
Another thing is mothers are often the ones that sacrifice the most due to a variety of factors. Hormones from pregnancy and breastfeeding mess with your body and sense of self. It can take a long time to get back to finding the person you were before kids. And often that person just isn’t there anymore because your life is just so different.
I live in the US and feel like our society doesn’t really support families (as much as our current government likes to pretend they do). Healthcare and daycare are super expensive, and lots of people don’t have the village they need to help lighten the load. Not to mention most employers only offer minimum of unpaid maternity leave and make working while pumping and or caring for small children difficult. It’s pretty clear why parents are burnt out and completely drained, regretting having children in the first place.
Whatttt?
I have never regretted having children for a second, even when it was tough. In fact, I would say parenthood even with all its challenges was way more fun, joyful, fulfilling, and rewarding than I could have ever imagined. My kids are grown adults now and I have thought about becoming a foster mom because I love having kids around so much.
All of my friends except one have kids, and all of them feel the same way. I hear a lot of overwhelming love and pride when people I know talk about their kids, but never any regret.
If being childfree is right for you then go for it! But don’t miss out on such an incredible and wonderful experience, if it’s what you want, just because you ran into someone who isn’t happy with their life. That’s terribly sad and not at all the norm.
Tangentially related, the context for this is that if society wasn’t such a hellscape, kids would be raised via help from extended networks of family and friends and neighbors and community. The burden would be radically lightened and shared. But modern society is outright hostile to that concept of community. It’s lonely and isolated and we’re not supposed to be forced to raise kids with zero help, consuming the very life from parents as you describe.
I don’t think any of my friends and family who have kids regret them, even the ones who had a difficult time of it.
I love my girls and don’t regret them at all. I don’t feel lost in motherhood. But I also have a career (for now) and physically bounced back quickly. Also I traveled a ton and saved before I had them. I think all that makes a big difference. They were both wanted and planned.
My children don’t bother me at all. It’s the external things that irk me about having kids. Public schooling, dickheads who hate children, the way you can’t protect them from the world and the way the country is very anti-kids.
Politically speaking you’ve got one side saying HAVE KIDS EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU WE NEED MORE WORKERS LATER. and the other side saying do what you want but neither of those changes that fundamentally this country doesn’t like kids or mothers. Maternity leave is shit- Dogs get more time with their babies. They tell you to breastfeed but ensure that you have to go back to work because a one person income isn’t cutting it especially in our tax bracket. Nobody wants your baby or child in public. If I could just exist with my kids through infancy I would be so happy
I don’t regret having had my kid even though I had no plans to have kids and their other parent admitted he sabotaged the condom. I regret they have that person as their other parent, but I enjoyed being my kid’s mom and I enjoy the adult they now are.
I don’t regret it. Sure, there have been hard days. Most days are good though.
I don’t know anyone who regrets having their children. I too think there is a lot of confirmation bias in your observation. But there is in mine too. I’m happy with my partner and now adult children and we’ve naturally surrounded ourselves with people who feel the same way. I’m not naive enough to think everyone feels that way. It’s a mix of people who feel both ways and lots of in-between. Most of the people in my life waited to have kids until they were settled and were actually trying to have kids – no accidental pregnancies. There is very little divorce in our immediate friend group and everyone is happy with their choice to have kids. I will say, parenthood isn’t always joyful and happy, it’s hard too. For us the joy far outweighs the hard. My kids are honestly some of my favorite people in the world. My husband was also a full and willing partner in raising the kids. Your choice of partner is CRITICAL in the decision to have kids. A bad partner can make being a parent truly awful. And I can’t stress that enough!!! But, it really sounds like you don’t want kids. And that’s valid and okay.
I know my parents regret me and my sister (she told us many many times). But my MIL doesn’t regret her sons, she’s told me that. My husband is a product of marital rape, she had him because he gave her the motivation to get out of the relationship. She doesn’t regret it because her life would be so different without him. She loves kids and was so excited to have grandkids (BIL can’t and we decided not to because of finances). She’s the ideal MIL. She made so many sacrifices for them and loves them so much. Mine and my husband’s childhoods were so vastly different I’ve realized as I got older because he was so loved and I wish I had that as a child. As an adult, I love her probably more than my own mom because of how my mom has hurt me. If she could have had more with a supportive partner, she probably would have. She’s such a good mom.
Oh my gosh, I love my daughter and being a parent! Co-parenting with my husband has brought a new dimension to our relationship that we both enjoy and value. He’s an amazing dad, and we have so much fun raising our daughter together.
It’s bananas how hard parenting is, but I don’t regret it one bit. There are moments when I miss not having a kid, but overall I’m delighted to be a mom and have never looked back.
I will say, I felt very prepared to be a parent both financially and emotionally, and that’s a huge part of why I love it. I have a stable career, an awesome partner, and family nearby who help out. Without those supports, I do think I’d be struggling.
I don’t feel any regret, but I expected a fuck ton more support from my coparent
I think you might be experiencing confirmation bias. I love my kids more than anything on earth. I’m a better person because of them. Any sleepless nights are long forgotten, I have so much fun with them and I enjoy being around them.
I don’t regret having children. I love being a Mom. Didn’t plan on doing it alone without any help at all; but I love my kids. Even though they are teenagers they still want to do things with me. .. which honestly amazes me because when I was thier age I wanted nothing to do with my parents.
Sometimes I wish I could have some freedom, be able to stay overnight at my boyfriends and things like that. But I wouldn’t change having them for anything in the world.
Here’s a secret: having one kid is about 1000% easier than having 2+ kids.
I’m a teacher, so I don’t work in the summertime, and I’m having a blast hanging out with my teenager. No regrets.
Actually, I love being a mom, so my regret is that I didn’t have the money, mental bandwidth, or a reproductive system that would let me have more than one. But I don’t regret anything about the one I have.
You said you’re not American, but here, people will tell you that you have a duty to give your kid a sibling. Bullshit. My kid isn’t stunted and he shares with others just fine. My brother is an asshole who has never brought anything positive into my life. Siblings are not mandatory.
So you may not want to have children, but you might want to have a child. It’s okay to do that.
I will say that since I found out I was pregnant I have not stopped worrying about him. He’s totally fine, but I worry about car accidents, the state of the world, that I could die and leave him motherless before he can take care of himself, etc. etc. The baseline worry that never goes away isn’t fun, but still, no regrets.
I don’t think that people who are happy with having kids will be shouting about it on Reddit.
I do not regret having my kid. And I have absolutely not lost my personhood. If anything, I have found it.
My life is profoundly richer for having my kid. My world has expanded massively. Since getting pregnant and having my kid I have progressed further in my career and personal development than I did before my kid. I am uncovering things about myself I never knew.
I am watching my kiddo grow and both myself and my husband are growing right beside them. I can’t imagine my life without my kiddo.
And yes, it’s not all rosy and happily ever after. It is hard work. But life in general is hard work and absolutely worth the effort to build something extraordinary.
Having said that, I am extremely, extremely lucky that I have an incredible husband. He went down to part time after my maternity leave ended so that I could continue with my career (it made more financial sense that way). He takes care of the household stuff. He is my anchor and my home and I know I can rely on him in absolutely everything. I don’t think I would’ve had a kid if it wasn’t for my husband because I knew that he would be an amazing father and a true partner. Before I met my husband I wasn’t convinced I’d have kids at all.
In my circles no one regrets it. Everyone is either actively trying for a second/third- is on IVF to have kids. We are in our 30s.
Mine are adults now, and the very best part of my life, always.
I feel bad for anyone who can’t say the same. I suspect they had kids for all the wrong reasons.
I have literally never for a moment regretted having children. They are the best decision I’ve ever made, an absolute joy to me, and the most important thing in my life by an order of magnitude.
My mother and my sister are two people who would never regret having children.
My mother always says we are her joys, and she’s so happy whenever we are happy. Really, she’s happiest when all of us are together in one room. And she’s the most guileless person in the entire world, I know she means every word.
My sister is just one of those people who always wanted to be a mother. At age 48 she became pregnant via IVF and now has twins. She’s exhausted, but she’s also at peace in a way I’ve never known her to be.
Just don’t have children then:
I personally feel like if you plan out and prepare for the children and make that choice it absolutely doesn’t have to ruin you’re person hood. Millions of people don’t regret it. Millions of people do. I will say the biggest thing is it’s a decision there’s no going back on which maybe why you get this group of people you describe hating it.
Life’s full of choices. Make the ones you want and do you’re best to prepare for you’re choice whatever it maybe.
Most happy parents probably don’t feel the need to chime in.
I have a 2-year old and parenting has been the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. It’s absolutely a blast. I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself at all. BUT I’m a SAHM, my kid sleeps well, my husband is an equal partner, we had a night nanny for the first 4 months, and we have a day nanny 2 mornings a week, and many of my friends had kids around the same time. So I get plenty of time to myself, get to hang out with my friends all day in the guise of “playdates,” don’t have to juggle managing my kid at doctor appointments since I schedule them for when the nanny is here, and don’t hate my husband.
So I don’t even have the tired every day/no time thing.
Most of my friends seem to feel similarly, but are also upper middle class with active spouses, and none of them are online at all.
I also think… you literally heard someone say they’re the happiest ever, but you chose to put the rest of their statement over the “happiest ever” part of it. And that’s kind of a you problem. You can’t imagine how hard things are worth doing? How sometimes being tired is worth it? You never partied all night and were tired the next day but would do it again? You never worked really hard at school or work to achieve something and it sucked but then you achieved the thing and it was awesome? Med school is hard. Law school is hard. They have payoffs. Parenting is hard in some similar ways, but has a payoff of emotional happiness, not money or prestige. For many people, it’s ok to do hard things to get things you want.
I would never have been as happy without children as I am with them. The way I’ve described it before on reddit is that before having kids, I thought happiness was on a 1-10 scale and I was hovering around a 5 on most days. Now I know happiness is on a 1-100 scale and the upper 90 points just didn’t unlock until I had a baby, and on my bad days I’m at like a 50 which is still 45 points higher than my normal days pre-kids. But on most days I’m at more like 80-90 just by watching my son learn things.
TBH I think you need to untangle what YOU want from what you THINK you SHOULD want, and if you want to have kids, you have to intentionally set up a life wherein you have kids but also the other things that make you you. My husband and I planned and saved to figure out how to do this. You don’t necessarily need money though, if you have a social network that can take on babysitting.
Both things can be true: It can be really hard, but still rewarding. Having my child was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can truly say that motherhood has been harder than law school or passing the bar or any other experience that I have had. I’m constantly pushed to grow as a person, to confront my own hangups and fears, and to learn how to be the best support for my child – the individual that he is. Also, I have this whole other person now, that’s just walking around out there in the world, carrying my heart around with them. And they start with zero survival skills, to boot.
A lot of what makes it so hard is the same as what makes it so worth it: I love and care about this kid so much.
It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I do not and will never regret having my son. You will be tired, though, and it’s best with support.
There are a million things I regret in life. I make shit decisions all the time.
I would never regret my son. I love him with my whole heart and no matter how hard parenting might be, I’ve never once regretted it.
My main regret is not having more kids.
The people who actually like their families aren’t out there complaining about it all the time.
Take note of how your algorithm is being trained.
Just popping in to address the fears of losing your identity and personhood. Yes, there was a period when my child was a baby where I struggled to feel like a human and not a shell of a person. Turns out that was largely the sleep deprivation and once I got back to a functional amount of sleep, BAM! I felt like me again. I do not feel like becoming a mother has done anything to change who I am on a fundamental level. I’m still me, just now with parenting skills.
Many people don’t regret children. I do understand that maybe those comments come from new parents or people with very young kids. I mean, the baby/toddler stage are the hardest (or so I have heard).
I don’t regret having my kid, but I do regret the circumstances of his birth. (I was a teenager and his dad turned out to be transphobic).
I loved being a mom when my kid was little, and I love him even more now that he’s grown into such a lovely young adult (I say every birthday that he’s aging like wine). I would have had more had I had a better partner.
Honestly, I probably would be open to having more if I had a village.
My biggest advice is don’t have kids with someone without first going over every possibility with a family therapist. ………or just do it alone with the support of other women and family (chosen, blood, or otherwise). My bestie and I were going to raise a kid together until some BOY swept her off her feet, married her, and knocked her up before I got the chance.
I don’t regret my kids at all. I do not think every woman should have kids, especially those who know they don’t want them. But I would personally change nothing.
Edited to add: I didn’t lose my personality to my kids at all. Choosing an equal partner is the most importantly thing you can do. I kept my career and kept my friends. My kids are fine, better than fine. They’re doing very well (early 20s).
I’m not the same person I was before I had my child. I’m also not the same person I was before going to college, losing my virginity, getting married, getting divorced, getting remarried, losing jobs, living abroad, enjoying drugs, losing and gaining weight, learning to code, or crochet, or sail a boat.
We walk through a lot of portals in life where you aren’t the same person after. I think maybe it’s easier to be like my life is good and it is unchanged in X way and since life is good I’m not yearning for X. And maybe harder to explain when like, yes, my life is totally different after X and it’s worse in some ways and better in others and some things about it suck more now and some things about it are more wonderful now. That’s not regret, that’s just the complicated nature of any big change in life.
I absolutely do not regret having kids. It’s the best decision I ever made, and I was never one of those people who always knew they wanted kids.
Being a parent is great. Babies are great.
Being the only parent is awful. It’s better for child’s mental health for the other parent to be dead than absent. Being the only person who takes care of child & pays bills is miserable.
I very much love being a mom!! There have been temporary sacrifices but I made it a point to get my hobbies back and feel happy about who I am as a person independent of my children. It does take some effort letting go of mom guilt to make that happen but it’s definitely doable!
I don’t regret it. It is hard work of course, but it makes life seem worthwhile and when they are young their innocence is so refreshing. I suspect some of those that choose not to might regret it when they are older. If I were super rich I’d have more. They are annoying but great.
There’s a truth you will learn in life at some point, and that is this:
Happiness isn’t everything.
Sure, it’s great to be happy. But if that’s your main end goal? Go to a heroin dealer and feel the best happiness you’ll ever have.
Some people need more than that. They need to feel like they’ve done something. Contributed something to the world. Left some legacy.
You could write a book.
You could make a videogame.
Or you could have a kid.
The other thing about children is that it does provide you two forms on community. Other people with kids, and the kids themselves. It connects you to the present, as you experience the world through the eyes of your children. Sometimes … too much. (Fr fr. Skibidi Ohio rizzler.) And communities do provide a lot of happiness themselves.
But yes, kids are an amazing amount of work, and a huge expense. If you aren’t a parent, you almost certainly do not understand how much. It’s exhausting and requires you to grow to meet that, and many parents do.
I never regret having my kids. Waiting until I was older probably helped with that, I think, because I was more patient and appreciative, having travelled and stuff before choosing motherhood, rather than having babies at 20 because it was expected, like my mother had. She never felt maternal, and probably shouldn’t have had kids to begin with, but that’s another story.
I had my first at 35. The year of infancy involves some sleep deprivation. There’s just no way around that unless you’ve got a live-in nanny or help from extended family. I learned to nap when they napped, and took advantage of my partner being home on weekends. And he was super supportive, even got up with me for every night feeding in spite of his long work days.
But once both kids were into the toddler years, I was fine. We both were. I worked 30hrs from a home office evenings and weekends, and spent my days being the best mom I could be. I worried, but not excessively, and now that they’re adults, they’re really fun company, and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
That said, I’m nearly sixty and still healthy and fit. Not everyone is so lucky.
You want it because hormones are some powerful shit. They overpower your brain.
95% of parenthood is drudgery. Chores, servitude, financial problems. The last 5% is usually only seen in hindsight.
If either of your parents are available to ask, ask one of them.
I didn’t think I wanted kids. I got pregnant while we were engaged and of course, I definitely wanted to keep him. I went on to have 2 more. Now I am a grandmother.
Here is what I tell my kids: it is hard work! You do have to give up some things but my husband was an equal in every way and something I push him to be with his kids. I will also add that a girlfriend gave me a book called “The Slacker Mom” when I got pregnant with my last. I highly recommend it as this was me as a mom to a tee! Parents who go over the top with birthday parties, activities and over scheduling their kids are the ones who suffer the most.
Advice if you want kids: excellent partner and stop yourself from being a helicopter parent/over scheduler.
My son is awesome. Can he be exhausting? Absolutely. Was he worth having? Absolutely.
Child-free by choice. Mid 40s. Don’t regret a thing.
At some point my biology makes me think oh I wonder if it would be nice to have kids. Then I babysat my niece and nephew for a week.
Nope. I’m good. Really.
But if you want kids, then sometimes there’s some sacrifices you have to make. That’s the scales of balance for you. Is it worth it to you?
It wasn’t for me.
Are you talking to people in real life, or on Reddit? I love raising kids. I chose to have 4 of them. I have enjoyed every age so far (ages 14-21 now). I have learned so much and grown as a person. Sure, there are hard parts. You do have to learn to manage your anxiety… We don’t have that much control and trying to keep them in a bubble ruins them and you.
I did have a good partner and some family support, and while we have lived frugally, we were never near poverty.
I gave up some career time staying home for 10+ years, but I maintained some professional work over that time. I went back to grad school when my youngest was in school. I didn’t get the PhD due to illness, but that experience ultimately landed me a great job in my career..
Now the kids are more like independent, my husband and I get to go off and do things together.
We had some really hard years, like being ill and losing our home to toxic mold during a pandemic. None of that was the kids fault. And they actually pitched in and helped a lot (ages 10-17 at the time).
Life is what you make of it. You (general, not OP) can own your choices and look at the good side, or you can choose to whiine about how something you chose (like children) ruined your life.
One of my parents is from a big family. Some aunts/uncles have kids, some don’t, and they all made the right choice for themselves. Our youngest just graduated HS and…it happened so fast. I’m glad i took so many pictures. I’m glad we had them.
Having the right partner and a good family on both sides is the key.
The concept of being ‘lost in motherhood’ can be quite misogynistic, if you ask me. When I’ve been focused on my work, no one’s ever said I’m ‘lost in my career.’ But if I spend time raising my child when he’s still a baby, suddenly it’s a problem and I should feel bad about it. It’s like there’s this double standard where prioritizing motherhood is seen as less valuable.
Trigger warning for an inappropriate term, but I think it’s apt- during pregnancy, childbirth, and about a year after I kept having what I call hormone roofies. Where I look back and just can’t remember things. I know child birth was painful, due to circumstances I couldn’t get an epidural till 15 hours into labor and it ran out as I was pushing. I remember talking to my husband about the pain, but I cannot remember the sensation of the pain. I know the first year was stressful and sleep deprived and a huge adjustment for an introvert, but I can’t remember specifics. And I kept having thoughts that I want another. We waited years to decide if we actually wanted a second because I was adamant before that pregnancy that I was 1 and done.
And it was a hell of an adjustment, and I don’t feel like I can stay at work till all hours to give 120% anymore or stay for a co-worker’s party. There are never enough hours in a day to recharge my own energy and to do housework and to spend the time I want to with my kid and to work a job. And that’s with an incredible spouse who tries to take on far more than his fair share and fully supports me. We’re both introverts, and having a small child means someone needs and wants your full attention nearly all the time. But we see our kid growing, and we love the person she is and the person she’ll become, and as she becomes more independent and able to play on her own it gives us some room for ourselves again. It’s a balancing act that shifts with time, and even as we have rough days we know we’ll miss it in the future.
I don’t regret having my daughter. She has immensely improved my life. Yes, it’s hard sometimes, but she is worth it.
I might feel differently if I wasn’t comfortable in my relationship, didn’t have financial stability, or had a more demanding child though.
I don’t regret having a child on any level. On a personal level, I’m happier with him in my life. On an ethical level, he’s someone who I can see has the capacity to make a positive contribution to the world, because of a combination of his inherent characteristics and the way we’re choosing to raise him.
Losing personhood and free time – I don’t think I identify with that. I chose a partner who tries to be a true partner and we make sure the other one has breaks. It’s not loads of time but spending time with our son also brings satisfaction and we know that in a few years we’ll have more time to devote to other things. If he had a severe disability I can imagine that could place a longer term restriction. But that’s the same if your life partner or parent develops a severe disability. You might be upset with the effect of it but you wouldn’t regret having that person in your life in the first place.
I do not ever regret having my daughter. She is our only one and due to complications unfortunately she will be my only one. But she is an incredible human. We have our moments where its hard and my patience is tested. But she makes my world so much brighter, she makes me a better person and she teaches me to slow down and watch the small things in life. She is my tiny best friend
I don’t have kids. I’m also older. The number of men who have confessed that if they had a do over they’d not have had their kids is astounding. I have no idea why men feel the need to confess this to me. Many of them are men I previously thought of as “a family guy”. I’m at the point now where I genuinely doubt whether there’s any man who is glad he had kids. Ladies be so careful who you have children with.
None of the parents I’m close to regret having their children.
Modern mothers are expected (or desire to) remain exactly as they were as “maiden,” when the reality is motherhood completely shifts who you are. This transformation isn’t widely discussed or acknowledged in (American) culture, and leads many to feel overwhelmed or full or regret.
I’m a mother of four, and my first rocked my world. It got easier over time as I realized the ways in which I changed, and let go of my maiden self. Birth is a rite of of passage we completely overlook.
If I went back, I’d start sooner in order to have more kids.
Edit to add: the book Matrescense touches on what I mean.
I’ve never encountered anyone that says they regret having their children. I’ve known them to say “yeah it’s hard” but never that they regret it.
I don’t feel like I lost myself at all, and I’m a single mom by choice. I enjoy watching kids movies and going to fairs and amusement parks and pools. It fits in with my lifestyle well. And while I may know a few people that wish they did things differently like waited to be more stable before having kids or had a different partner, I can’t say I know anyone who has expressed regrets about having their kid.
I don’t regret having my child. In fact I’m really glad that I did. I’m sad at times we don’t have the relationship i imagined we would. She’s very introverted, mildly neurodivergent, and doesn’t connect with people the way I do. But despite everything she’s mine I’m glad she’s a part of my life.
There are a bunch of comments from people who have kids and/or hang around with people who have kids, but I thought maybe the perspective of a daughter from two parents who never regretted having kids. Especially considering I was an undiagnosed autistic foreign girl living in a country that hates people that don’t fit in specific boxes, growing up for me was hell and I put my parents through it as well.
My mom would be the first to break down when I exploded, but there wasn’t a day when I didn’t know she loved me and my sisters and that she would do anything for us to make our lives easier. She also didn’t give up her own life, just included us when she had to and made the necessary changes. This also meant we as kids got to experience a lot of different things just from being a part of it.
My dad was, and is still today, a pretty stoic and non emotional type of person, this caused huge fights and is still sometimes a part of our relationship that I struggle with. It wasn’t until I was 14 at a family gathering where I had caught my dad showing people a video from one of my sporting events and then continuing to gush about my other sisters when I realized how he showed his love. He was the type that there wasn’t a single parents teacher conference he missed, there wasn’t a single sport or after school activity that he wasn’t somewhat involved with. I just wish I would have realized it sooner and appreciated it more. Today he still tries his best with outfit ideas, where he gives feedback on cooking and baking or any other handicraft either one of us three does. He was such a girl dad, that there are countless pictures of him in makeup, nails done, hair clips and everything else we could fit and put on him just so he could make his girls happy.
Now all three of us are adults, my parents are nearing 60 and I know for a fact that both of them miss having their children home and about. And even if there were moments where either one of them wanted to give up or regret having even one of us, I know in the end they wouldn’t have changed having us in any other way.
I’m currently deciding if I want children and I have been talking to all my friends who have them. The ones that are having a good time of it all have the following two things:
From taking to people 2 can only happen if you have 1. So for me it’s now become more about figuring out if my partner would be a good spouse and coparent rather than if I want children or not.
I don’t regret my kids. They make me a better person.
I do regret staying with their father long after the love was gone.
I don’t regret having my kiddo at all. I love being a mom and I never was a natural mom type. I’m doing great and I’m very happy. Seriously.
I hate this weird idea that we all just hate kids and we’re pretending. It’s not all that bad, you know. Yeah this world sucks but it sucked for most of human history and we still kept going. I get the most out of this that I can and I try to raise my daughter right and give back.
I discovered myself even more in this journey and I am still having fun even though I have a kid and I’m over 40!! I get into shit sometimes! I am myself. I’m happy. I am not lost.
It’s all what you make of it. The one thing I’ll say is don’t have more than one if you can’t handle it. I had one despite the pressure and I’m VERY happy. Normalize only children!
It’s really wild to me now, with an almost 8 year old, to read how intense you are about these fears because for me it’s just normal life. I am sure some kids are harder but they’re probably outlying loud voices. There’s MANY of us doing great!
If you want a kid, you will change. But you’d change without one. Obviously examine your fears and worry about certain things…. but I’m tempted to say that it’s not always that bad? I still want to honor the struggling moms. God knows there’s plenty.
I’m not rich or anything. I am just… doin well mentally with this perfect girl I made. It’s alright!