My husband (36, M) and I (31, F) have been married for almost 2 years but been together for almost 7 years with no kids. We are currently on the brink of divorce due to us fighting a lot. For the past 2 months, we’ve been fighting because of his lack of initiation and taking responsibility around the house as well as some financial issues. I brought up this issue to him and he got upset at me for expressing my feelings stating that I nagged him too much and that I was unappreciative of everything he’s done for me (which is the bare minimum). FYI, I make more money than him, so I pay most of the bills at home and lately I was struggling financially and had asked him to help me more by getting a part time job.
He’s also very obsessed with his hobby and plays almost everyday, which I told him to prioritize us before his hobby. By that time, he was upset and we were on silent treatment. He would be in and out of the house to go play and would only come home to sleep. He did not even help me around the house. I was so upset with him because he didn’t even have the balls to talk to me to fix our marriage. I started venting out to my sister and my cousin who I am really close with. He ended up going through my apple watch and he saw the messages between them and I, and of course they were not nice ones. He got upset with me because he thinks I broadcasted our problems instead of fixing it ourselves. When he said he never talk to other people about our problems and kept it all to himself. But first of all, he couldn’t even man up to talk to me. I was alone and needed someone to talk to and to give me advice on what to do. I sent screenshots to my sister and cousin of our conversation and thinks I exposed him to be this bad person and said we were talking crap about him. Now he thinks this is all of my fault and he is also mad at my sister and cousin for talking crap about him and he said he will not pretend to like them and he no longer want to see them even if we fix our marriage.
He was just so arrogant and blaming other people because he could not take the accountability of his own selfish actions. I’m not sure why all of a sudden he became like this? It was definitely a complete 360 that I don’t even know this person that I married. Am I in the wrong to “expose”him like that even though that was not my intention to do, but just wanted some support from the people I trust? Is this marriage still fixable? Or should I ask for divorce?
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From you post I don’t understand why you are even asking this question. The two of you seem incompatible and anger and resentment have replaced any feelings you might have once held.
So I’ll be blunt.
Get a divorce so you both can find someone you are compatible with.
Honest question: do you even want to fix it, and if so, why?
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t look fixable to me. Now that he has a woman who keeps him like his Mama used to do, he has made gaming his #1 interest in life. Addicted, avoidant… so sad.
No. This marriage can’t be saved. The reason it can’t, is because this is not a marriage. This is a situation where a lazy user suckered someone into taking care of them. He barely contributes to money or housework or the relationship itself. He just does his thing and couldn’t care less about you or your house or your marriage.
Also, his reaction to being called out is childish as hell. Then he got mad that you spoke to other people. Truth? He’s not mad that you vented, he’s mad that now other people know what a lazy, inconsiderate user he is. And how much he’s taking advantage of you.
You should separate. Go to both couples counseling and individual. Then he can either take things seriously and work on them, showing you he can do his fair share, or you will gain the strength to leave. And then continue (hopefully) to work with a therapist so that you stop being a doormat and start treating yourself better. That way you won’t choose wrong again.
Good luck!
To give you a different perspective, reasons why you should stay single. I read it today.
https://apple.news/AC4QLPgr-SR2VsO1LFiYopQ
Not an old person, I’m 20, but I grew up with parents like this. It doesn’t get better unless your husband starts taking accountability. The silent treatment + nagging accusations are like insanely immature— no offense but it sounds like you married a toddler. One of the make or breaks for a marriage is the couple’s ability to handle conflict, and if one or both don’t have that ability (it sounds like you do, but him not so much) then it’s not looking good, sorry :/
He should be helping more, you should not be broadcasting your issues, you both should be working as and considering yourself a team, neither of you appear to be doing that.
There is hope but you both need to grow up and start doing your part. If you aren’t willing to start first then how can you expect him to?
Give it a year and if you’re not trying to work as a team then cut your losses. But after only two years you both should be embarrassed for how you’ve let this fall apart. Your communication sounds terrible. More resentment than togetherness. Why did you even get married?
He only works a part-time job, and only at your urging? And all he does is play and doesn’t help? Why are you still with him… there’s nothing there for you. You’re incompatible. You can do much better. NTA for looking for support from others and “exposing” his uselessness. YTA to yourself if you stay with him.
If he’s completely uninterested in meeting your needs and wants, he’s already checked out and doing his own thing as a single person. Couples therapy can go a long way to fixing things….but only if both of you are committed to going and committed to the process.
The stuff about you talking to close family members is a distraction in the grand scheme of things. Him lashing out at you for doing this is a symptom of the problems of your marriage; it’s not a cause. The core problems you’re having with your marriage exist regardless of who knows or doesn’t know about them.
I think you already know the next step. No need to stay in pain, he doesn’t want change.
> He got upset with me because he thinks I broadcasted our problems instead of fixing it ourselves.
Oh, you mean the problems he refused to talk to you about? Yeah, he’s not willing to put in the work, and it takes two to have a marriage.
Please get divorced and leave this loser manchild in the dust. We all date/marry idiots when we’re young. Learn the lesson and move on. You’ll feel so much happier without this albatross hanging around your neck.
No. My unmarried daughter is around your age, and I would rather her stay single than be in this type of marriage. You are still young enough to find a person who will appreciate you. It will only get worse. You deserve more!
Your guy is pushing 40, quite honestly he sounds like a loser and a user. Bare minimum is never OK. Not sure why you married him in the first place.
Unfortunately, OP, it rather sounds like your husband is stonewalling you. Communication has to be a two-way process. You cannot fix your marriage on your own.
I completely understand why you reached out to your family for support.
I also feel that if you stay with your husband you may, sadly, be in for a very lonely journey through life.
In the end, only you can decide what you might do.
Thinking of you and sending you strength to do what is right for you.
I can’t tell if you’re saying he doesn’t work at all, or whether he’s working full-time and you’re asking him to get a second job. Those would be two very different situations.
Wait… so… he doesn’t work, but “plays” a hobby every day? What hobby?
He’s the perfect example of a hobosexual. Doesn’t do anything around the house, only works part-time because you forced him, won’t discuss problems then freaks out when you talk to anyone else.
There’s probably no way to save the marriage because he isn’t willing to get off his behind and do anything but game.
I advise divorce as quickly as possible before he is entitled to alimony. Decades ago I had a friend who finally divorced her lazy, cheating husband, got full custody of their 2 children and he had the audacity to ask about alimony. Her lawyer nipped that thought right in the bud and told him he could be forced to get a job to pay child support.
The story had a happy ending for her. She met a wonderful man who had a great job and his own house. They got married, she moved her kids and herself to his state to live in his house. She found a good job she loved and they were happy.
Dump the hobosexual and boot his lazy behind out of your home then change the locks.
Yeah, if stay, it will only get worse….
it seems like you are the one capable of paying their own way, and he doesn’t sound like he is adding much to your life, other than stress.
This isn’t a marriage. A marriage is a partnership of two adults who work together to live happy. I personally am not “married” but we chose to live life together for over 10 yrs now including a kid, dog, house, 2 cars. The company he was working for shut down and he was unemployed for about 8m last year. I worked my regular job and took a partime job for an old company I could just scoop up quick worked about 75hrs a week to keep us afloat. I did not lift a finger in that house during that time he did it all without even a conversation about it. That’s how it should be. It’s give and take. When he was working and I was only part time I did most of the house stuff. And now that we are both back we take turns doing it all. Sometimes I’m toast, he does it. Sometimes, he gets home late and I do it. Sounds like he needs to grow up.
Your husband sounds very immature for 36. You deserve someone who is a partner, not an adult child, which he is behaving like. I guess he felt he could marry you, and that you’d never leave.
I don’t think he is taking your marriage very seriously, based on his behavior.
If I was at your point, I’d pack up and leave. That will give him a chance to decide if he really wants to be a partner in your marriage. It will also give you a chance to clear your head and decide on your own what you want.
Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
why is he 36 with. part time job? did he always only have a part time job?
There is very little balance in your post. I know that occasionally the fault in a failing marriage is down to one party. But in this case based not on the issues you raised, but the way you worded it, my guess is both of you bear some responsibility for the mess you find yourself in. And since you express absolutely no affection for your spouse, it seems obvious the marriage isn’t salvageable.
It sounds like neither of you are good at discussing issues in a non-hurtful and appropriate way. Perhaps if you had gone into couples therapy and learned how to communicate effectively with each other early on, it might have been helpful. But it sounds like you have justified resentments about his behavior and he has justified resentments about how you speak to him and what you share with others. So therapy likely would be too late.
.
It sounds like stage 3 of marriage. There is a good book called “The 7 stages of marriage” I loaned it to my friend who is also struggling in her marriage right now. Maybe it could help? But the only way is if he wants to work it out. I’m so sorry!
This is a case of pure immaturity.No hope….move on.
Why do you want to stay married to that slug?
It must feel creepy sleeping with him cause you’re married to a child.
Bail
Read Zawn Villines on Substack on domestic labor inequality as abuse. Well worth the small fee. This is a low value man you’re with; you need to divorce asap. Make sure you get a shark of a lawyer so you don’t end up supporting that deadbeat loser.
Throw the bum out
Please don’t think you are capable of changing him. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. It won’t get better.
I don’t think this can be fixed unfortunately, because your husband feels entitled to slack off and do whatever he wants while you pay the bills and do all the housework. You said you have no kids but you have an overgrown one right in front of you. I think you need to seriously ask yourself what he adds to your life.
No you were not wrong to reach out for support. The writing is on the wall. He doesn’t care to reflect and change, and this marriage sounds miserable.
You say he has a full time job and doesn’t want to pick up extra work. Do you pick up extra work? It’s not fair to ask him to work more if you aren’t too. With both of you working, where does the money go? Are you in a HCOL area?
If he’s a spender and you’re a saver and you don’t have a “yours, mine, and ours” system, you need one. You agree on how much to have directly deposited to a joint account for joint expenses and the rest goes into your personal accounts that the other can’t access. You never critique what the other buys with their own money.
The time usage worries me. It sounds like gaming has become his new “wife.” Can he not agree that together time matters? What would you consider a fair amount of time on togetherness activities? Fun doesn’t have to be expensive. Do you have hobbies too? He should want to spend time with you, but neither of you is there to entertain the other.
I hope neither of you is fighting in the sense of raised voices or nagging. That’s a marriage-killer. Make your case calmly and with kindness. Insist on the same in return. If things get overheated, say politely but firmly that now seems not to be a good time to discuss and how about a half hour break?
If you’ve tried all of this with no results, I’m sorry but you should probably call a lawyer. None of us knows how long or short our life might be and if you’ve taken reasonable actions, move on.
Thank God you don’t have children. What is there to love or admire in this person. You need to get rid of him and work on yourself to not make the same mistake again, because we all tend to have patterns until we work ourselves out.
Dunno if there’s hope or not. Marriage plus individual counseling are great advice. If he won’t go, do just individual for yourself. Something I found out in nursing is that it seems to attract women who are co-dependent. They learn to be caretakers in families that are dysfunctional. Lots of things – drugs, alcohol, religion, mental illness… – can dysfunction the family. Read up on it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency
Honestly, get out. I’m in a bad marriage and we just had our 50th anniversary! Now I’m uq and definitely trapped with a cheating, ill man who has never bothered to really know me. What a wasted life in terms of a relationship. I’m really feeling the regrets lately and wish I’d had the courage to leave. Your husband doesn’t care about your feelings and emotions. Look at how he acts. Please, I beg you, don’t get to the end of your life and wonder why the hell did i stay?
Only a “Child” should be “Playing” 6 hours a day. This man is a boy, and he’ll never grow up. Done…
A lot of resentment here and not a lot of clarity in the OP. You have no kids but are asking him to get a second job? what are you guys spending money on? there’s a lot of finger pointing at him, but not a lot of self examination on your part. We have a communication problem in spades and a ton of attitude on both sides.
You are so determined to make him grow up when he has no intention of doing so. Waste of time IMO.
Life is too short to be in an unhappy situation like this. I’ve divorced twice, third marriage was best, 21 years, and lasted the rest of her life.
It’s no fun being in a marriage if you’re not on the same team working toward common goals together. It sounds like he is avoiding participation in your life.
That is a joy breaker.
The guy who you marry should be as determined about getting the dinner dishes done as you are.
Give it your best shot and if it doesn’t work, know that you did what you could. Avoid pregnancy. That’s the last thing you need right now. Good luck❤️
(M70). There’s two sides to every story, especially in marriage. I would like to hear his side. All in all, you two need to establish a respectful and fair communication, then get to the core of why both of you are disrespectful to each other.
Not taking a fair share of the house (or kid) responsibilities is a pretty common reason for splitting up. Can you imagine how much worse it would be if you have kids? He isn’t willing to compromise or discuss it. I don’t think talking to family about it is relevant. He is just looking for a reason to put you on the defensive and back off. This won’t be popular, but I don’t think he should be asked to work a part time job if he is already working full time unless there is some desperate financial emergency. Maybe ask him to find a better job if his pay is low. It sounds like you are just trying to get him to stop playing his game by reducing his free time. This might be hard to hear, but he probably spends so much time away from the house with his game because he enjoys it more than spending time with you. When a relationship gets unpleasant, people find things to do that gets them away from their spouse. Overall, it sounds like neither of you are happy with each other.
At this point you need to figure out if he wants this relationship. Next time you are trying to discuss compromises from him, ask if there is any compromises he would like to see from you. If he doesn’t have any interest in seriously answering that question, then he has lost interest in the relationship.
Even if you’re not talking, get both of you into therapy sessions and see where it takes you. It sounds like you both have a lot of anger to work through.
It’s fixable but the person that needs fixing is you.
Do not rag on him to anyone but God.
Men need hobbies.
He is not your chore boy.
Are you a 8-10 in looks?
When you throw your man out of the house you are teaching kids negative patterns that will impact them for life.
Can the marriage be saved? Maybe. But only if you both want it to be. You can’t make him change. You can only work on yourself. My blunt advice: leave and tell him thst unless he works on himself and his addiction there is no hope.
So he doesn’t contribute financially or do anything around the house, is busy with his hobby (which is what, playing video games?), refuses to talk to you about your marriage but then gets mad when you talk to others… why do you want to save this marriage?
No, there is no hope for this marriage. You thought he was going to change. He isn’t. He’s just going to resent you for nagging him, and then he’s going to dump you because he is miserable getting nagged all the time.
News flash: He’s not interested in meeting your expectations. He considers himself to be fine the way he is. From his point of view, you are the problem. You’re the one demanding he be someone other than who he is, and he’s not the least bit interested in doing that.
If you love him, and you think he’ll go, try counseling. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking having a kid will make things better because it certainly will not. If he won’t go to counseling, go by yourself. You’re going to have to make the decision about whether your life is better with him or without him. I think right now you know the answer.
This situation involves complex dynamics of communication breakdown, differing expectations, and mutual hurt. You’re not alone in feeling trapped. Many face similar struggles when expectations clash. Prioritize your well-being: a relationship should uplift both partners, not leave one feeling isolated and resentful. Whether you reconcile or part ways, focus on rebuilding a life where your voice is heard and valued.
If you choose to stay, insist on therapy and mutual effort. If you leave, remember it’s not a failure—it’s a step toward self-respect. 💛
No.
If he’s only coming home to sleep I suspect he’s cheating.
He’s already checked out of the marriage even if he’s not cheating. You’re a free ride. Might as well dump him and find a partner.
You are bankrolling a slug who is taking advantage of you. Get out and get a relationship with someone who can stand next to you and not lean on you.
Please cut your losses and move on. Don’t waste your youth on a grown assed adult refusing to be a man like I did. My ex is 64 and still living with his mother. They never change. They just find women to enable them. Best of luck.
People can work out just about anything if they’re willing to do the work with a marriage counselor, so strangers on social media can’t possibly accurately predict whether or not yours will work.
It sounds like there are significant differences in values, expectations, boundaries, etc., which are being compounded by significant issues around communication and personal responsibility.
Those absolutely can be addressed in therapy, but you would both have to be willing to look at what communication and relationship skills you’re lacking as well as whatever unhealed emotional wounds you’ve brought into this relationship, and be willing to work on them.
People break up their relationships without doing that kind of work, so they take whatever lack of skills they have into any future relationships.
My recommendation is that you go to therapy whether or not he’s willing to go, and if he isn’t then there’s your answer about your marriage right there.
Work on yourself, work on whatever gets in the way of you having effective communication and relationship skills, and go on from there.
Sounds icky. I’d ditch him.
If you can’t talk with him, then there isn’t a relationship/marriage. Serve him divorce papers and move on. If you live in the US, if you don’t have any real property together and you don’t have children it should be a pretty easy divorce process as long as he doesn’t contest it. Wishing you the best of luck.
No. A marriage being saved requires real effort and commitment from both people. There needs to be mutual care, and mutual respect. Your husband doesn’t care about you, and he treats you with contempt. He is deeply selfish. It will never change.
I think you both made a wrong choice. No harm, no foul but this will eventually implode.
Leave before you have kids.
You fight a lot, and he prioritizes his hobby over you. And you clearly harbor a great deal of anger towards him “he couldn’t even man up and talk to me” And how he does the “bare minimum” From what you post, I see zero appreciation, zero respect, zero love from either of you.
Honestly, I would insist on marriage counseling here. You both are in the wrong. Yes, you are. In part. As is he. And have a LOT of work to do to save your marriage.
If he refuses counseling, or YOU can’t admit if you make mistakes and are wrong — a good counselor should point out both partner’s flaws and shortcomings — just divorce.