I’m really questioning my (42NB) friendship with this person (35M) big time. We’ve been colleagues for almost 8 years now and he is someone who at some point started some workplace bullying on me (that job is like a middle school environment) and then he came around and became strongly supportive of me, so I kind of forgive him, but then other things happened.
The thing that for me was super important is to be a private person that let private access only to a few people. One big thing is that physical contact is only for family, best friends, and a partner. For me it’s a good thing to have an “inner level” that is kept away from what even acquaintances get and to let in only a few people. Like a special thing only for you, like letting you in my personal bedroom or letting your read my private diary. A thing that for me has this value is being seen at home in my PJs (I’m from around the Alps if that culturally matters), I mean regular long sleeved and long trouser Pjs.
What happen with this “friend” is that at work he started touching me on back, shoulder, arm, just as a tease. His friends followed him. It was a game and he even mocked me by repeating back “don’t touch me!” imitating my accent. I had to put in supervisors big time to stop this, they wouldn’t take the hint. I was in a mental dark place about this at some point. It all solved and now this guy is telling people that I don’t want to be touched. The strange thing is that he assume that I don’t want anyone in the world to touch me, when I’m actually very cuddly with my relatives because they are in the “inner level” that I told you about above.
Recently he was saying something positive and encouraging so I shared a problem with him and his comment stuck with me, when I disclosed something that I care deeply about in a relationship. I thought he would offer words of comfort or a fresh perspective, instead it shocked me and I’m now afraid of dating. How would you deal with this? I want back my serenity and put myself out there… with or without this person as a friend.
A bit of backstory: because I’ve had to live with roommates for an ungodly amount of years and because post-covid the rent manager wanted to recoup costs, there was a stretch of 3 years when we had a revolving door of random tenants that instead of staying long term (this company rent only like this usually and that’s what I signed up for) were like a B&B of 1 month to 1 year renting periods where there was only 3 of us long term and the other 4 roommates changed constantly.
I felt completely humiliated, maybe it’s a strong reaction but the whole PJs thing for me has value and now there is some truckload of people who have seen me in my PJs. I never wanted to live with roommates to begin with (I had to, bad family story behind it) and at my family home I used to avoid answering the door to keep my PJs thing private. I wanted this to be a special thing and now it’s something that everyone had seen me like that. I was afraid that one day I’ll go live with a partner and I will start crying because sharing that thing was completely spoiled.
So I told this “friend”: the answer was him laughing, asking “why the f*** do you care” and then “your partner will not give a damn about the PJs” implying that this person will want to rip it off and get to the deed (it’s more clear in my native language, there was no room for misinterpretation).
Now I’m here super hurt, very afraid of a partner being someone like “rip it off I don’t care about you sharing emotional intimacy and special privacy with me”. Originally I wanted a healthy sex life and a partner who genuinely desires me in a pure physical way, but now I feel that nobody will care about it and to desire me this partner will be willing to trash this sense of private inner space that I wanted to give so much.
How do I interpret this? I feel a knot in the stomach. Why would this friend make a comment like this? Is he a friend or did I made a mistake in forgiving him for the touching? One thing that put me off is that he was typing his wife about the surprise wedding gift I gave him and he mentioned me to her as the “female form of my surname” when he makes a big show of using male pronouns with me and respecting my gender identity. In my face one thing, texting his wife another thing.
And… I forgot to say. He tells everyone in the office about what I tell him. He even shared a super personal picture of me (sfw, just that I care about it) that I sent I’m and the handwritten message I wrote for his wedding. What should I do? I feel that all things sacred has been ruined because he shared them. But he says nothing but good words to me and encourage and support me (minus the PJs thing). Is he a friend or not?
TL;DR Should I be friends with this colleague, former bully turned friend, who is really supportive but shares my private confidences and had recently said something really hurtful?