Hello,
I’m new to this whole thing but…here goes nothing.
I’m a 27F. My Fiance is a 32M. We have been together for almost 4 years. My fiance has really bad depression and mood swings. I have always known this was the case because he was honest when we first met. However, it feels like things have only gotten worse as the years have passed. He gets snippy about tiny things like a bowl in the sink or a can opener put away wrong in a drawer. It’s gotten so tough in the kitchen that I now wash and put away anything I use immediately to avoid a trigger. He says he doesn’t really find anything pleasant anymore so most weekends, we just sit at the house. When he gets triggered, it’s 0 to 10000. He doesn’t ever get physical with me but, if he’s angry he slams doors, yells at the top of his lungs, throws things or other behaviors. When we have “conversations” about his behavior, it’s usually me trying to explore what is happening and him sitting on his phone on the couch. Sometimes he will engage with me but, most times, he won’t even look in my direction. I seem to annoy him constantly. We have been intimate twice in 7 weeks and he says that the way he feels about his body makes him not want to be intimate at all anymore. He says harsh things when he’s on a downward spiral and they’re always directed at me no matter what triggers him. He told me last week that there are some women who are the kind that stick with a man when he is nothing and I am Not that woman. (Just an example but he’ll say something like that every time he’s upset) I feel terrible because I know that depression is a very serious condition and I hate to see him go through things like this. But at the same time, I’m in recovery with anxiety myself and this is very difficult for me. I’m edgy and anxious about everything because I don’t know what might trigger his mood next. We have tried to get medication for him but he’s been out of work for almost 2 months with no insurance so we can’t get his meds right now. When I talk to my family, they say he’s abusive mentally and emotionally and I need to leave. But I guess I’m stuck. I still love him (even though everyone says I’m crazy). I’m afraid he will do harm to himself if I go. I guess my question after all that is, is this depression related or is he really abusing me? It feels like he’s the main in this relationship and I’m the supporting role but with no support myself. Everything depends on how he feels. Example: If I want to go out but he doesn’t, we’re staying in. I know depression can cause terrible, uncontrollable symptoms like harshness, mood swings, anger and hostility and other things. But I’m reaching my limits. I’m so tired. Everyday feels like a fight and I’m not happy. Is it depression or abuse?
Tl/dr
My fiance has depression and I don’t know if his behavior is abusive or a symptom of his depression
Comments
Slamming doors and throwing things IS physical abuse. It’s designed to intimidate you and it’s unacceptable. What are you waiting for, him to hit you next? Because that’s what will happen. It isn’t your fault, but you need to understand how serious this is and not ignore it. Please listen to your family. Your safety is at risk every day you stay with him. My fiancé and I both struggle with depression and have never, ever been violent or aggressive with each other, nor do we tolerate raised voices.
It’s not either/or. “If he’s angry he slams doors, yells at the top of his lungs, throws things or other behaviors…He says harsh things” is abuse. Perfectly possible to be depressed without doing those things. But whether they’re in his control or not doesn’t matter! You’re not obliged to stay with someone who’s treating you badly and who keeps you walking on eggshells, whatever the reason for his behaviour.
Not saying it’s “easy” to leave, but this doesn’t sound remotely healthy or happy for you, and you’re under no obligation to stick around and suffer endlessly because of his issues. His issues are tragic, but they’re his issues. To some extent if you were married there’s an element of “in sickness or in health”, but a) even that has a limit, and b) you’re not married! Do you want to marry someone who acts this way? Do you want the rest of your life to be this way?
Depression sucks, but he needs to take responsibility for it and not lash out at you. And when enough is enough you’re allowed to walk away. You’re not responsible for his behaviour, before or after.