So I (21F) been seeing this guy (22M) for about 2 and a half weeks. things have been going perfectly since the first date so we’ve hung out a ton. he takes me out a lot on really thoughtful dates centered around my interests, opens the car door, pays for everything, cooks for me, ect. i hadn’t seen a single red flag everything has just been going incredibly well. we’ve hung out almost everyday since we’ve met at this point. last night i was over at his house and he brought up the conversation of being boyfriend girlfriend and asked what i’d need to get to that point. i told him that things have been going great i just need more time before he asks. he was clearly upset by this response. he kinda went on a rant of how he doesn’t understand why id need more time when hes head over heels for me and knows what he wants. he brought up all the dates hes planned and mentioned he doesn’t feel like he’s getting the same investment from me now and how he’s spent plenty of money and time on me. he said he really didn’t understand my perspective of needing more time. i didnt tell him i needed months but i said id hope to be talking to someone for at least around 6 weeks prior to getting into an actual relationship because despite how much ive enjoyed our time together i want to be realistic before making a big decision. but he said he just really couldn’t understand my perspective after we’ve spent so much quality time together and it makes him feel like i haven’t been as into it as him. after that he drove me home in silence and we haven’t addressed it. prior to this there had not a single complaint i could think of things had been going great. i do feel like this is a red flag for him to get so upset over me requesting some more weeks before we make a big decision. the way he addressed things made it feel so transactional when all the things he’s been doing i haven’t requested i just thought he was doing them because he wanted to, now it feels like he was doing them to get something in return. something else in the back of my mind with this issue is that i told him i wouldn’t sleep with anyone im not dating. im worried the physical aspect is at play when it comes to him pushing dating so soon. im debating ending things and my friends are divided on if im in the wrong or the right for that perspective. i just think it’s a red flag for him to want to move so fast and to be upset over me needing more than 2 and a half weeks. So would i be jumping the gun to end things now or is that the right move?
Edit: wow thank you for all the responses and advice so far! someone dmed me asking how i responded to him in the moment this so i’ll address that. I basically told him a long the lines of “i’ve seriously enjoyed the time we’ve spent together and have really loved getting to know you. the way things have been going yes dating has been in the back of my mind and i have felt like things are leading there. that being said though i wouldn’t be ready to make that official after only a couple weeks. normally i think after getting to know someone for around 2 months (little less or little more) is the perfect amount of time to make that decision. to me i want to make sure if im getting in a relationship i have 100% confidence it’s going to be something amazing. while ive really loved the time we’ve spent together i don’t want that to cloud my judgment and make me go about things unrealistically. i think we still have a lot to learn about each other to ensure that we are a compatible match. i just want to make sure im going about this in a smart way because that’s how you build a strong foundation not by rushing it. you already have been getting exclusively from me if that’s what your worried about. But as for making things official with being boyfriend and girlfriend all i need is some more time.”
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If it helps, you can break up with someone because they sneeze funny. You don’t have to justify it to anyone else. This is definitely a red flag, sounds transactional and upset when he doesn’t get what he wants right away. You would be justified breaking up with him if you want, and your concerns are valid.
Sounds like love bombing. Sounds like he thought you were a sex vending machine that puts out after a certain number of coins are inserted.
Trust your gut.
He was just hurt, his ego. He likes you a lot and feels like it wasn’t reciprocated.
It’s a red flag that he had an issue with how you want to approach the relationship. If he can’t handle this so early on, what will other issues down the line be like? End it.
>he brought up all the dates hes planned
This is transactional as you mentioned.
Leave.
It’s full of “nice” people that are nice just to get to you, it’s all an act until you can’t leave no more.
Good of you that you spotted him, really doing great, pat yourself on the back because you deserve it imho.
Sounds like love-bombing followed by coercion and tantrum throwing.
He had the option to continue the coversation and try to understand your point of view. You know, ask more questions about why you feel the way you do, and ask for feedback about the past few weeks. But instead, he doesn’t get the answer he wants and he turns to berating you and demanding what he wants.
Red flags imho.
A green flag response would be: “So we’re on the right track, and I’m doing everything right, but you’re not ready yet? That’s awesome! That means I’m doing a great job and making you feel comfortable. Anyway, how about we…” etc.
The kind of guys who try to rush into things like this are trying to lovebomb you and blind you to the flaws you haven’t seen yet… like he’s currently married, or a serial sex offender, or has abusive family members, or wants to isolate you and manipulate you away from your friends.
This is a HUGE red flag. Seriously, 3 weeks isn’t even a friend yet. You don’t know this person at ALL. 3 weeks is barely even a crush. Run.
Seriously, trust your gut. End it. Get out.
>i just think it’s a red flag for him to want to move so fast and to be upset over me needing more than 2 and a half weeks. So would i be jumping the gun to end things now or is that the right move?
Of these two things, I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag for him asking about exclusivity after 2.5 weeks. However, I do think him getting upset at and trying to debate you about your answer could be one.
I think your feelings of concern are valid, and it’s fair to suspect that he may want to rush the conversation because he’s interested in being physical. Ultimately it’s not fair for someone to try to debate another person into a particular stage of a relationship that the other person has expressed hesitancy over.
You can break up because of the weather if you want. You aren’t obligated to be with anyone you don’t want to.
On that note it sounds like you are both in different goals, and personally his actions are concerning for the future and I wouldn’t proceed. He’s looking at this as a transactional relationship and that’s icky
You can break up with someone at any point if you want to, and that said this Is enough of a red flag.
It just sounds like he’s been love bombing you in hopes that you’d look past your requirements and just accept whatever he wanted. Plus him bringing up the “investment” aspect to it sounds like he would very much hold it against you even if you became an official couple, i.e. “Well I’ve spent all this on you, This thing is the least you could do for me”.
So yeah, better to end things, at least he showed you his true colors this early.
It sounds like he is in love with being in love. People like this tend to be thrill seekers and once the thrill dies down, they get bored and either cheat or move on.
Also, the transactional implications are a red flag. How will he feel when you don’t feel like having sex with him?
Better to break up with him now than wait until he becomes even more emotionally invested.
You don’t need a reason to end things with guy ever. I will say though, you hang out daily, he takes you on activities that interest you, he pays for everything…. it sounds like you’re dating him. And just because he wants to make it exclusive doesn’t mean you have to have sex. You could be boyfriend/ girlfriend and only see each other for months without having sex. In fact its probably a good idea to do that.
Yes, it’s more than enough of a red flag.
You’re asking because you know something doesn’t feel right. Trust that instinct- it’ll serve you well in life!
And FWIW, if it were me, I would absolutely end things with someone who thinks of dates as an “investment” towards, I assume, sex. It doesn’t sound like he’s in it to get to know you; it sounds like he’s in it to reach some sort of milestone/goal.
You date to find out if it will work. It won’t work for you with him. You stop seeing him. You don’t keep dating because others disagree with your decision.
If he’s that hung up over a title get rid of him.
Run, don’t walk.
People are not vending machines. He seems to think he is entitled to a specific result (“candy”) because he put coins in.
Two things.
You can end things for any reason or no reason. You have to live with that decision and no one else. Perhaps you have some noisy/toxic family or friends, but well, let them be that.
I don’t really understand your issue here. I guess he wants to put labels on this. What does this label mean, specifically exclusivity and the promise to pursue this relationship further?
Why not? What does this label and promise mean?
You can still just as easily break up in two weeks, regardless. Is this perhaps about you already struggling with the idea of ending things, and you generally having worries around commitment? It might help visualising what this commitment actually means. Here, there is very little to nothing. (Unless there is some major background we are missing here.)
That response would send me running to the hills. Giant red flag imo. If he can’t respect an opinion that he doesn’t fully understand two weeks in, it’s only going to get way worse down the line.
Huge red flad. This dude love bombed you, played the covert contract, then tried to guilt and coerce you into “sex.” This dude has a rapist mentality, and is 100% not safe. Don’t let anybody minimize that. Trust your gut.
It is transactional, and the fact that he threw such a tantrum over it is a big red flag. If you stay with him, be prepared for him to hold things over your head anytime you have a boundary or voice a preference.
As others said, you can break up with anyone any time for any reason. It doesn’t have to pass anyone else’s test of a “good enough” reason…
That said, not respecting your “No” and giving you the silent treatment are two big red flags.
I’m sure you’re right that he’s eager to get in your pants and figures he deserves it bc of his thoughtfulness and, grossly, cash (no one deserves it except someone you actually want to be with).
Yes it is. Sounds very much like love bombing. And everything he has done will be brought up in a way to manipulate or guilt you into looking past all of the issues.
Regardless of why, if you have to ask – the answer is yes.
And this will piss people off but the sad fact is either your reasoning is sound, or it’s not. Either way, you should leave for your own sake – or theirs.
Didn’t read too far, everything he did seems played out like he’s checking off a box on a list. Nothing seems genuine. Of course he’s upset that it’s taking too long when he has to fake being a nice person
I’d break up with both of you based on the picture you’ve painted, but he definitely sounds like he’s got issues. I’d walk away
“It seems we are looking for different things. I am looking for a partner. You are looking for a return on investment”
Trust your gut, my dear. Why is he in such a rush? You’ve hung out a lot and we’re getting along great. He’s mad his “investment” hasn’t yielded sex.
Run.
Everyone going on about coercion and love bombing, please keep in mind that rather than being the actual devil he could just have ADHD. I used to be quite a lot like this until I gained some self awareness, and did lots of reading. I have frequently bombarded someone with love and adoration because they’re such a dopamine fix, and then got offended when I’ve felt like maybe they don’t love me quite as intensely. People are so keen to label everything as a deliberate act of abuse and exploitation these days, it’s not always the case.
Ps you absolutely deserve to be able to take your time with this, without being made to feel guilty. If you want to end it, you don’t even need a reason – end it. Or have an open and honest conversation about boundaries, needs and expectations, and see what your gut feeling is after.
Yep. End it. Because at 2 weeks you don’t know this person well enough to commit to them. You shared how you felt and he flipped his lid. Do you want to stick around and get tied down when he reacts so poorly to a reasonable comment?
Notice how it’s all about him, what he has done, how he feels, what he wants. He doesn’t care about your perspective and isn’t interested in trying to understand. Very troubling behaviour on his part. Get out now, it will only get worse.
It sounds like he’s putting on an act because he wants access to your body. He’s throwing a tantrum about the relationship part, but when you commit-the temper tantrums will be because he feels entitled to your body since you’re committed, and both people have needs. 🤮 I swear I wish I had known about Shera seven 20 years ago. It’s all about access to your body- that was what the dates and all the effort was for. It hasn’t “paid out” yet, and he’s mad bc he feels entitled.
You said so far everything has been perfect. I’m going to gently suggest that having only dated someone for 2.5 weeks and seeing each other every day with all of his ‘generosity’ is not perfect. It’s a red flag. It’s a lot of love bombing. As you can see from his upset at your answer, he had expectations because of the perceived effort and investment he has made. And he cannot accept your POV on something very simple this early on, without getting upset and criticising you. I would not continue anything with him.
1- This is love-bombing, and that is NEVER a good sign. 2- He refuses to understand your boundaries. 3- He’s treating this like a transaction (basically saying, “See how NICE I am? Now give me what I want!” 4- He mentioned “all the money he spent” on you. Do you have a “for sale” sign on your forehead? Nope? Then he doesn’t get to buy you.
PLEASE take this advice from an ex-cop/“old” lady (56 next month). These are all huge red flags. RUN, don’t walk away from this guy. Prepare yourself for emotional manipulation (guilt tripping), harassment, or even threats. He may even show up unannounced. These are all signs of potential violence.
Break up with him but in a PUBLIC space, and do so with friends on stand-by (preferably in the same public place in a discreet area). Let him know that you don’t want to hear from him in ANY way for ANY reason and that you will take appropriate measures if he contacts you or shows up again. Feel free to tell him whatever reason you want or NONE – you aren’t obliged to give him a reason other than, “It’s not working for me.” Don’t apologize! Be firm and kind – or at least as kind as he deserves in the moment (if he decides to throw a tantrum or call you names, skip the kindness and just leave him there).
I’m not trying to scare you, but your antenna should be WAY up with this guy. Tell the people you live with (yes, even your family) that this guy should NOT be around your home.
ETA: I know this all sounds like swatting a fly with a sledgehammer, but you HAVE to shut this shit down with men and learn to be a bad ass about your own boundaries. In my younger days, I dated two guys like this and (surprise ,surprise!) they ended up being emotionally, financially, and physically abusive. Later in life I witnessed women who were severely beaten, killed, or otherwise had their lives severely impacted by abusive men when I was a law enforcement officer.
ETA #2: Do yourself a favor and get “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft (it’s a free downloadable pdf e-book). A deeper dive is The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker (He has follow up books as well. These are amazing resources for young women navigating dating, and the world in general. I wish I had these resources when I was a young person.
Okay, done now.
Classic “love bombing” — doing “all the right things” but with an expectation built in. But as soon as you pushed back even a little it was about what he had “invested” and that you owe him. Classic controller mindset. I’d end it now, to be honest. He’s showed his true colors, and it’s not pretty.
So many red flags. How do you think he’ll treat you in the bedroom if he can’t respect your “no” outside of it? This is a huge sign of controlling and abusive behavior
Huge red flags, huge.
First of all, you don’t need “enough” of anything to end a situation with someone. You can end a relationship or situationship with someone for any reason at any time. You get to decide what you want and what you’ll tolerate. There are no rules and no one can tell you what is enough or not enough – only YOU know that.
To be honest, I think your hesitation to commit to this person or anyone else before “6 weeks” time is indicative that they aren’t really right for you and you already know that deep down. Here’s the thing – when you are dating someone who is a good fit for you, you won’t need X amount of time before you know that. You’ll know after hanging out a few times if you want more. If you become someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend it’s not like you’re locked in and can’t get out – there’s no contract or difficulty in extracting yourself from the relationship if you change your mind. Saying yes to being someone’s girlfriend doesn’t prevent you from leaving if you change your mind the very next day. But the idea that even after several weeks of hanging out with this person, you still need more time speaks volumes about how you feel about them. If he’s right for you, it will be a full body, full mind YES, and you won’t be able to imagine anything else. Everything else, every other doubt or hesitation is your instincts telling you NO.
All of that doesn’t address his behavior – yes I think someone itemizing how much they’ve planned and spent on your so far and getting mad that you don’t want to commit a huge fucking red flag. This guy feels you OWE him something. He sees you as an object he’s trying to purchase and you aren’t playing along.
Girl, you don’t like him enough already. You know this deep down. And now he’s demonstrating controlling and manipulative behaviors. There’s a reason you already weren’t ready to commit – you clearly see something in him before this outburst that was warning you of this. Walk away. He’s not worth your time.
Please leave,,let’s say you do stay he will keep on doing this, using all the good things hes done for you against you. It’s not just about this one moment but about what it means for you in a longterm relationship.
As many have said, he views your relationship as transactional. He’s currently putting “nice guy” tokens into the sex vending machine, and he’s annoyed that it’s costing so much. If he literally used the word “investment,” he’s deep into incel and other manosphere podcasts. All the kindness will end once he’s got you where he wants you.
Notice that he also only cited HIS satisfaction as evidence that things are going well. You’re being dehumanized.
if you’re thinking this much about it, in a 2 and a half week fling no less, it’s red. big red.
The responses in here are exactly what I expected – a lot of therapy talk condemning this dude and telling you to run for your life since he’s clearly a narcissistic sociopath etc etc blah blah.
I’ll just play devil’s advocate here and say that people are people, they’re emotional, they’re imperfect and if he is really into you and was expecting a totally different response, he may have just felt really hurt in that moment and responded in kind of a shitty way because he was really disappointed and surprised.
I’m not saying he couldn’t have handled it better, but if this is the first “red flag” you’ve seen I’d probably see how things go and if this sort of thing feels like a pattern or comes up again.
I wasn’t present there, if he felt aggressive or you felt unsafe in some way or that you were seeing some really nasty side to him, that’s different. But if he just seemed sulky and disappointed and didn’t really handle it well, then I wouldn’t go running for the hills lol.
But as others have said, if it felt like a deal breaker for you, that’s your decision and you don’t need to feel guilty about it, both people need to be invested in a relationship.
But as a guy myself, I’ll just say that his response reads as a dude who’s really into you and was very disappointed, and reacted in a way that wasn’t particularly flattering.
I might be a little unpopular, but I didn’t see this as a red flag. More like a beige flag where it depends on preferences. I’ve gone on dates with guys and ask if they want to be exclusive on the second or third date. My wooing effort level changes whether they are interested or not sure yet.
OP still has the autonomy to say no and ask to get to know him better. The pace of relationships depend on each couple, and I can see this event being potential for either person to say “no thank you”.
To answer OP’s title, you can refuse to date someone for any reason. You can be lenient, you can be rigid, because you have power to control who you let in your life.
He thinks he’s entitled to you because of all of the nice things he’s done. A green flag response is “hey thanks for letting me know you need more time, I want to give that a try. I’d love to be taken out by you as well, can we take turns planning dates?”
I’ve heard the advice that to get to know someone better during what is otherwise the Honeymoon phase, see how they react to being told “No.” He failed…badly.
Girl, I got a 100 day no questions asked return window for my mattress. Boyo needs to be more realistic on how long it takes to really get a feel for a relationship.
Ooh, yeah. Your gut instinct is correct- wanting to be exclusive after 2.5 weeks and then not being respectful of you politely saying no is real weird behaviour. There’s no rules per se but I don’t think you can truly know someone after a few dates where they’re on their absolute best behaviour, a couple months is usually the best move and it’s not like you shut him down completely and said it wasn’t on the cards.
He’s absolutely being transactional, I personally immediately cut off people who hold things (especially financial) that they’ve done for me against me because it’s incredibly entitled. You pay for someone as a kind gesture or chivalry because you want to enjoy their company not because you expect something in return…
Controversial , but I also think it’s a bit of a red flag that you’ve hung out every day for 2.5 weeks. That’s a lot of time to spend together so early on, does he not have friends, commitments or hobbies he needs to go and attend to as well? I would be very cautious (as well as exhausted) of a new man who wanted to see me every night. He’s clearly trying to speed things up or force more intimacy instead of letting love between you bloom naturally over time.
If he really cared for you he’d respect your boundaries. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not be ready at this stage — as someone else said it sounds a lot like love bombing. It’s been 2 weeks and you’re 21, ain’t nobody got time for that. There’s plenty of gentlemen out there who will happily wait until you’re ready and have the discussion with you without expecting anything in return.
Don’t be an idiot like I was at your age and bend to his will to make him happy— it ends poorly every time.
Major red flag(s). Lovebombing aside, just because he puts on an act, pampers you and does all these things he expects it’s more than enough to lock anyone down. Gross
What does it mean to be in a relationship? These things or terms have evolved over time. Like marriage, if you enjoy someone’s company, what does a label do for it?
Idk, but I do realize some people need those labels for whatever reason. And sometimes the “other” gives them that label because the label itself doesn’t dictate any of their own actions. At the end of the day, communicate, get on the same page when it comes to expectations and figure out what your give and take are. Let actions speak for themselves.
Straight guy married almost 10 years here, hope it’s okay that I’m chiming in.
A lot of traditional people would describe what you’ve experienced with him as chivalry. Some people do genuinely want to be “chivalrous” with no ill-intent. But whether it’s benevolent misogyny or outright manipulation, his approach that you’ve described (planning all of your dates, paying for everything, etc) carries a lot of societal and individual baggage that leads to relationships of coercion and control – at least from my observations.
Like others have said, I think this specific situation is love bombing.
More broadly, though, I would suggest you *consider* more egalitarian forms of early dating when searching for a romantic partner – though you don’t have to be extreme about it. If he wants to ask you out, suggest a place for a first date, and pay for that at the end? No problem. But maybe after the first date (if you want to see him again) say something like “okay, well the next date is on me.” Maybe suggest an idea for the 2nd date that’s yours, maybe something that you both have in common. And as you move along, there’s more of a give and take as you get to know one another. What you get by doing that is weeding out some of the more controlling assholes as well as the flip side of that – leeches.
Maybe I’m biased, but an equitable, balanced partnership is by far the healthiest and most fulfilling type of relationship. And the best way to get there is to demonstrate early on you want to be cared for while also taking care of/advocating for your partner.