Sorry in advance for the long post.
My husband and I got married back in May. We have a 1 year old daughter together and I’m currently pregnant with our second child. Shortly after our wedding, he was offered an opportunity to continue his college football career (yes we’re young lol) in Georgia. We are from New York. We agreed to go down to Georgia together the three of us until the end of the football season. We got down to Georgia in June and my mental health immediately went to shit. We only had one car with us, which he would use everyday for football. Meaning I was stuck in the house all day with our toddler with nowhere to go, no way out. Mind you, I’m pregnant, and having complications in my pregnancy, exhausted, fatigued, and having a really hard time taking care of her with no breaks. He would get home from practice everyday and play with her for maybe 10-20 minutes, and then immediately go upstairs, close the bedroom door and play video games. Literally would play video games from the minute he got upstairs until after our daughter’s bedtime. Over the weekends, which ideally would have been time for us to spend together as a family, or time for me to get a bit of a break, he would go on fishing trips with his friends from dusk till dawn and again, leave me alone in the house with our toddler without a car or access to go anywhere. Not to mention, I don’t know a single soul that lives in Georgia. I literally don’t know anyone. He has the support of his coaches and teammates, but I was completely alone.
After about 4 weeks, I reached a breaking point with my mental health. I was so fatigued from my pregnancy, I could barely keep up with my toddler. I could only get out of bed to feed her and change her diaper. My husband was no help to me. I finally called my family back in New York and asked them if my daughter and I could come stay with them for a bit to get a break and to get some help. They said yes and she and I have been back here up North since the end of July. I’m genuinely so much happier. Not only am I at peace, but I’m healthier and I have constant support with my pregnancy and with taking care of my daughter. We’re able to go outside, go to the park, go to the library, see our family and friends, etc. My life is significantly more peaceful and easier here and I’m able to be a better mom.
A few days ago I spoke to my husband on the phone and told him for the sake of my mental health and the well-being of my pregnancy, it is easier if I stay here in New York where I have support. I told him I love him with all my heart, I support him, and I’ll be here waiting for him to come back. I even offered to come visit him on some weekends. Well he was furious. He started yelling at me on the phone, calling me a terrible and selfish wife for abandoning him and making it all about me. His main issue with me staying here is that I won’t be there to fulfill his sexual needs. He told me if I don’t come back, it is not unreasonable for him to have a girl come over to have sex with him. In other words, he said if I don’t come back, I have to accept the fact that he’ll cheat on me. Not once did he mention missing me, missing our daughter, or caring about being part of the pregnancy. All he said was if I don’t show up soon, expect to be cheated on.
My heart is broken. I’m trying to be responsible for the sake of my daughter and be somewhere where I know my mental health is best, and where I have constant support. To know my husband doesn’t care about my mental state, my pregnancy, but only cares about his ability to have sex is truly disgusting to me.
Please give me some kind advice. Am I crazy?
Comments
Therapy. Have him tell a therapist how he treated you.
Divorce. Child support. He’s showing you who he is. He’s childish and doesn’t care about you, your daughter, or your unborn baby. Let me add he’s going to cheat regardless, probably already has. Do what’s best for you and your kids, keep that support system.
You could also tell him if he won’t “let” you stay up North then you’re going to need a nanny and personal driver. Oh he can’t afford that? Guess he’s going to have to take on those roles and actually act like a father.
well that is not how a man should handle the situation. First, he left you alone with no help with your kid and knowing you arent feeling well. He Should have offered your family a chance to come down and stay with you if he want planning on being around. What does he think is going to happen when the second child is there. Oops sorry i have a game. Like you moved for him and to give him support but you get none in return?
He was being a dick before you left by not acting as a parent and future parent to the soon to be born baby.
And acted as a selfish ass hole by only caring about himself.
Sorry, you married a spoiled brat. You need to call him calmly and tell him either he shows you he is mature and act as an adult or he can go fuck himself.
You wont miss him once he has ptsd.
Divorce. This piece of trash is showing you exactly what he is … utter garbage. He doesn’t care about you or your wellbeing and he surely doesn’t care about your child. He has no sense of responsibility and lacks even the slightest bit of empathy or ability to care about anyone’s needs, except his own. This is marriage is not salvageable…do what is best for you and stay with family who love, care and support you, cause you will get none of that from your disgusting stbx.
Did he at all offer to help out more around the house when he asked you to come back?
I read your post from a year ago. I’m sorry to say, but I think you need to accept this is who he is. He selfishly left you to care for the daughter yall both planned back then and he’s doing the same exact thing again. Don’t let this be an occurring theme.
That disgust you feel is valid. It’s protecting you. You know deep down what you need to do, but the hardest part is doing it. This may be tmi, but he wants you down there to satisfy his needs and that’s it. That’s low as fuck and I need you to see this is not the life you have to live for the rest of your life. Y’all both planned to have children but he gets to still chase his dreams. What do you get? Are you chasing your dreams as well?
You sacrificed your mental health for him. You gave him two children. You support him. What does he give you in return? Dick? Ultimatums to cheat if you don’t allow him to use your body to satisfy his needs? How much more can he take from you? He’s a married father of two who threatened to cheat on his wife if she doesn’t sacrifice her mental health for his sexual pleasure. He’s not a catch and seems like he peaked with this college football shit and is holding onto it instead of growing up. You’ve outgrown him.
Stay in NY with the people who genuinely love you and value you and your children.
He’s told you all you need to know! He’s selfish, his wants comes BEFORE you and your children and he refuses to compromise. Plus, he’s planning on breaking vows and cheating. Are you sure he even loves you? Dump the dead weight!
I’m sure husband has plenty of red flags showing he’s an a-hole and a lousy person well before OP got pregnant again. OP is young and likely still has those dreamy, fairytale ideas of marriage and family like many women are raised to believe.
OP – it’s great you were able to get back home where you have all the support you and the our children need. The fact that husband is only concerned about is sex life is incredible and shows his true self.
Get out now. It won’t get better.
How much contact have you had from him? Does he call regularly to speak to your daughter? (I know she’s only little, but he can at least say hi and he missed her)
It sounds like he wasn’t ready to settle down as a husband and father.
Yes. It is grounds for divorce. It will not change.
File for residency in New York and when you hit that mark file for divorce in New York. Have the baby in New York.
Honestly, he’s a jerk and you’re better off without him .
Unfortunately it looks like you loved him but all he thought of you was ‘bed warmer’. That’s the garbage you’re dealing with. I know it can be so, SO hard to accept but this is what he thinks of you.
Leave the prick, raise your babies & eventually you’ll meet someone who thinks the world of you 💕
Updateme
The trash took itself out.
I’m a dude and this guy is messed up. I was a stay at home dad. Until my kid started school. Yeah I get that it gets pretty hectic and monotonous. Times when you’re overwhelmed. Shit goes sideways. Toddlers can whoop your butt. When he started going to school and I got back to working, whoa, like a brand new me. I understand what you’re going through, but for the life of me is why he can’t. If he had one moral bone in his body he could see how you were feeling but just kept literally ignoring you. Wow, move on, take care of your babies, be happy and when the time comes I hope you find an equal partner. Plus him saying he’s going to bring another woman in your marriage. This man has lost his mind. Tell him to get bent, record your phone calls for your lawyer to hear. Be happy, move on, you got this.
Lawyer, divorce and child support.
Even if he doesn’t cheat on you this time. He will eventually.
He’s a shitty partner and a shitty father.
Don’t let this example be all your children see for a relationship because it is not a healthy one.
Major red flags divorce keep recordings of phone calls any thing he sends you written or via text
You didn’t get help from him when you needed it he acted like a single teenager and now he’s acting like a spoilt brat and only thinking of himself, he’s showing that hi marriage isn’t important to him the only thing that is important is sex
I would send him a letter detailing how you felt when you were with him and how both your child and you are much better where you are mentally and physically. Now you have help when you are exhausted and low, not a prisoner in a place because you have no transport
Ask if he’s going to change if you go back if he spends an appropriate amount of time with his child, let you have the car a couple of times a week and generally help more and see what he says
Talk to a lawyer to confirm some of the advice you are receiving. Also get a set of comprehensive steps to divorce him. He is a spoilt rotten jock. Next time don’t just get swept off your feet look underneath the courting for this narcissist.
Stay away
Not crazy, but you’d be crazy to stick around. You don’t need our advice; you already know what’s right and best for you.
Your not a wife or partner to him you are an object. He’s shown his true colours and how little he thinks of you. He didn’t even spend time with you when you were there so his words only confirm what you already know.
He’s not husband material and he’s not father material.
Divorce and claim child support.
If you go back you’ll be miserable and if you stay in NY and married to him you’ll be miserable. Set him free to be the fuck boy he clearly wants to be.
Tell him once you heal from the pain of losing him you’ll find someone else to be the father he’s not.
You are in an abusive relationship. Do not go back. Get a lawyer instead.
Yes. You’re crazy. For putting up with this crappy manchild. And having his children. Divorce him. Let someone else cater to his whims.
Is this the same football player who raped you two years ago? Girl….
Divorce him is your only option. If you don’t go back to Georgia he already told you he would cheat on you.
Your mental health is more important than this POS.
So he’s more bothered about his sexual needs than your mental health you’ve married a man child time to get rid he sees you as his bang Maid and that is it he has zero respect for you or your family together it won’t get better he showed you exactly who he is you are pleading for this change for the sake of your mental health and the wellbeing of the children he’s selfish and not ready to be a good husband and father I’m sorry seen it’s much you have to leave him if you want to be happy in the long term sorry the reality of who you fell in love with has been revealed he’s played you to trap you show him you’re not trapped go to where you are supported
So my husband and I have been together for 15 years. He used to do the video game crap to me when the kids were little…. And when the kids were bigger.
Things have gotten better … Within the last 6 months. And that’s just because I got so burnt out that I stopped doing as much and he all of a sudden had no choice but to help.
Honestly, I didn’t intentionally check out, but doing so actually saved our marriage. (My kids are older now, so it’s not like I was neglecting them). I would get home from work and sit down with my phone and watch short dramas. He would try to talk to me and I would even notice.
We had a lot of REALLY good discussions recently. He said that he gets it, but seeing me ignore him made him see how I felt for all those years and he was sorry. I told him I understand, but it is not the same because he’s not taking care of little ones that need him 24/7. He CAN take a break if he wants. He CAN wait a day to vacuum.
More than once he told me he finally gets it, and I very calmly explained to him how much he DID NOT get it…. And he has broken down crying and apologizing for not being there. He FINALLY gets it.
So, you are NOT wrong for leaving for your mental health! You are so strong! The fact that he is showing that he STILL doesn’t care… Says a lot about him.
BUT the idea that he WILL cheat on you if you don’t come home and wait on him hand and foot…. Total BS!! He’s probably already cheating. He just wants you there to cook his meals and wash his clothes.
I’m not saying he CAN’T grow up…. My husband did. But, are you willing to deal with ALL of that for 15 years (or longer) and have to wonder if he’s being faithful?
I say divorce him and use your energy to let your family know how much they mean to you.
He doesn’t care about you as a person. He doesn’t care about seeing his young daughter. He doesn’t care about his unborn child. He only cares that his dick is being serviced.
Honey. He’s not a good man. He’s an even worse husband.