Long story short my ex(25M) and I(23F) are trying to work things out. I love him, he loves me, we want to be with each other.
I’m running into the same problem I had when we were together and that is that he doesn’t plan ANY dates or get me flowers. We have other problems that we are working through so dates and flowers are not the end all be all but dammit I would love to experience those 2 things. I have mentioned that I would love for him to do those things and nothing happens. I hate that I even have to ask, I feel like a damn dog begging for it.
There is this county fair around my house and throughout the 5 years that we’ve known eachother, I would go on and on to him about how I’ve loved going there since I was a kid. The fair closes on August 18th, and there has been no mention of taking me. I’m getting tired again. Is this normal in a relationship? Should I just take it on the chin and focus on the good parts of him?
Comments
From the thousands of posts that I have read here on this website, it would appear that this is not unusual behavior for a lot of guys.
Not all by any means.
But certainly a disproportionate percentage, at least from what I have observed.
It might thus be considered common in relationships, and some people might even think it’s “normal.”
But in my opinion, whether it’s “normal” or not is not relevant.
All that really matters is whether this kind of behavior is acceptable to you.
And if it’s not acceptable to you, how much are you willing to tolerate it before you have reached your limit.
I speak with my adult daughter about relationships all the time, and I always tell her that if she’s not happy with the behavior of someone, she needs to have a calm and respectful discussion with him and express her feelings.
And if the person in question does not take her seriously, or accuses her of overthinking or overreacting, then to my mind that means he does not respect her.
In other words, not buying flowers or going out on dates — or indeed, not picking up after himself, not doing the dishes when he promised, and so on ad infinitum — is simply his way of showing that he does not have any concern about how you think or feel about things.
And from what you report above, this is probably why he is your ”ex.”
Regards.
ETA: the other dimension of this dynamic is what is referred to as “self-awareness” — that is, the ability of someone to think about how his or her actions, inaction or behavior affects others. In my personal experience over many decades, I have found that women have a reflexive, and quite natural sense of self-awareness, while most men do not. For men it is often a learned skill. And some of us never do master it.
So when is he supposed to stop doing dates and flowers it’s kinda unreasonable to ask someone to plan events dedicated to you consistently.
You guys could talk about taking turns with planning date nights like yall could have a weekly or monthly date and you could trade off each week and or month.
If you’ve told him multiple times and he still won’t do it, he’s showing you it’s not a priority for him.
It’s “normal” in the sense that lots of people settle for it, but that doesn’t mean you have to.
If small gestures matter to you and he can’t/won’t meet that need, you either accept it forever or move on.
Ask him directly if he could take you there on a date to gauge his reaction. If he seems uninterested, then just ask him why he doesn’t like the idea. The reason I am asking you to be direct is because so many men say that they don’t understand hints no matter how clear. This way, you’ll know for sure why he doesn’t plan dates.
I mean there is different kinds of people, not all people are complete, I think it’s up to you, if you think you should leave him or not.
Tell him what you want exactly. Tell him take me to the fair I always wanted to go and I want to go with you. I like this restaurant can you take me. After doing this couple times and he don’t do it, it’s time to go.
If he can’t meet those simple needs, he will never meet any of the really important ones. That relationship is a dead end. He doesn’t care about your needs.