I 22F have been with my boyfriend 23M for over five years now and I’m starting to have serious doubts. We moved in together fairly quickly (after a year and a half) because, well we wanted to live together, but also both of our households, especially mine, were toxic. The first year, things were great. But by the time we hit the second, my boyfriend quit his job and has been unemployed since. He has a panic disorder and supposedly that is why he says he can’t work. Yes, I knew he had this since we were kids (we met in 5th grade). But I didn’t realize how much it would take his whole personality over.
First off, the not working is causing serious financial issues. I’m a recent college grad that’s starting law school and I cannot afford this anymore. He does still pay his half of rent but he’s constantly borrowing it from his family. Whichhh is making him unattractive to me. He never once stuck with a therapist, nor got help in any other way. He’s starting a home “business” but we don’t even know how that is going to work out and he talks about it like it’s a for sure “hit.” Second of all, I haven’t been taken out on a date in two years. Because he will have a panic attack EVERYWHERE we go. It’s exhausting for me too. Third, even when we do small things like we took a small day trip to a nearby city, I don’t even have fun with him. I don’t know, it’s like if I had just met him, I wouldn’t hang out with him again. He never wants to do anything with me, or take me places.
And yes, I have told him how I feel and that I’m unhappy. He thinks he’s fixed the issue because he picks up after himself around the house (which was and still is a bit of an issue). But he ignored everything else I communicated. Actually, it’s more like he says “I have anxiety, what do you want from me? I’m not like everyone else.” But I don’t understand, if you’re not like everyone else, then why do you expect to have what others have? A girlfriend you don’t date? An apartment without working? I’m young and I really did escape a prison when I left home, but now it feels like I just entered another one. I want to go out and do things, experience things, see things. I feel like I trapped myself as a caregiver.
TL;DR Recently, I’ve been having daydreams of leaving and maybe going to a big city or something. Meeting other people (which I know is so bad) I would never act on it though. I can’t help it and I don’t know if I’m still in love with him or not. But the thought of leaving him and not being in our home is scaring me. We even have pets so things would be complicated. I feel like I’m in my mid 30s taking care of a whole household, and I just want to be 22 again. Am an asshole for this? Can we fix this?
Comments
Is he getting help for his panic disorder? Seems like you need to know something is going to change, that he will be able to help himself and not just depend on you.
As it looks right now, it seems like the best thing for you to do would be to leave. He is massively reliant on you and should learn to be alone, and you deserve to have a life outside of your relationship. There should be give and take and from what you have said you are giving and he is taking but he isn’t giving anything in return. In his current form, this doesn’t seem salvageable. I know it will be hard, but you are young and will have so much time to do the things you want too. If it is meant to be y’all could find each other again, but it just sounds like this relationship has run its course.