So yesterday my wife of 7 years and I got into an a huge blowout , the day was fine otherwise we’ve both been exhausted from life and jobs but I cook her the best foods, buy her whatever I can whenever, make her favorite drinks and coffee every morning. and I clean the house/ after our animals while she rests every single day. I work full time and I’m in school to engineering. So a lot on my plate. Solo. However, I try and manage everyday while realistically I’m doing it solo. We got into an argument yesterday due to her raising her voice at me for something actually minor. It was simply about the way I operate in the kitchen when I’m cooking? and then she was shutting down so naturally I did the same thing. I choose silence instead of verbal violence, I don’t like arguing if it’s something that’s not worth it aka it’s seen as selfish to her. We’ve both discussed it’s how I process instead of getting mad. I hate anger lol. This then turns into her calling me names, I say hey it’s not healthy for us to call names. I choose not to because no woman should ever have to deal with ANY man calling names. It’s a cheap shot in my opinion, however it’s constant when we fight with her. She rolls her eyes and tells me that I’m projecting all my insecurities on her with saying I have an issue with the way she talks to me. Invalidates me saying I don’t deserve this…. I tell her I’m sad and she just stares at me…This is relevant, considering last year she had an affair with someone and I chose to stay under the conditions we work hard for trust aka her job as well. My body is rejecting it all. We don’t show affection, only when I initiate and I’m frankly exhausted. She’s my baby, my angel. However, I slept in our spare room last night because she didn’t check on me, ask me if I’m okay, and never says sorry. I don’t know what to do in this situation, my heart wants to fix it but I feel like I’m owed an apology and some effort to be honest. I carry us, I want the same energy at times. I want help. I’m struggling. Is this valid? Or am I the issue?
is this the right thing?
r/Advice
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Man, everything you wrote sounds valid. You’re carrying a lot, work, school, the house, the cooking, and on top of that you’re trying to keep the relationship stable after the affair. It’s not unreasonable to want respect, affection, and some effort in return.
Choosing silence instead of fighting isn’t selfish, it’s literally trying not to escalate things. You’re right that name-calling is unhealthy, and you don’t deserve to have your feelings dismissed when you’re being honest about being sad or overwhelmed.
It sounds like you’ve been giving everything and not getting much back. That imbalance will burn anyone out. You’re not the issue here for wanting an apology, effort, and partnership, those are basic needs in a marriage.
At the same time, you can’t fix this alone. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, it might be worth pushing for couples therapy, or at least setting firmer boundaries for yourself so you’re not carrying all the weight. You deserve to feel loved, respected, and heard.
Respectfully, it sounds to me, based on what you report above, that your wife has no respect for you, your feelings, or your thoughts.
If this is a common problem in your marriage, and if your wife is unable to have a conversation with you about her behaviors and about the difficulties that the two of you have, you might want to explore couples therapy.
If she refuses couples therapy, which sounds like it would be a distinct possibility, I would encourage you to enter your own therapy so that you can figure out what you wish to do about your situation.
Which to my mind sounds absolutely intolerable.
PS: I was married to a woman like your wife, and it almost led me to have a nervous breakdown. I stayed married longer than I wanted to because we had small children. If you repress your feelings and emotions about this, I can guarantee you that you will start to experience stress and anxiety and possibly much more serious mental health complications. Good luck.
It sounds like you’re both stuck in a rough cycle.You’re giving a lot, she’s shutting down and it leaves you feeling unseen. Wanting effort and respect is valid but so is her needing space if she processes differently. What might help is setting aside a calm time to talk about how you both handle conflict and what you need from each other, or even bringing in a professional help.
Man, I’m rlly srry u gotta deal w/ all that. U sound like u put a ton of effort into the relationship & ain’t getting much in return. At the end of the day, relationships r about mutual respect, ya know? It’s not healthy if it’s one-sided. U deserve better tbh. She needs to step up her game…acknowledge your feelings, apologise when she’s wrong, n show more affection. If things ain’t changing, might be time to reevaluate some stuff. Don’t just stay cuz u feel obligated or cuz u’re scared of being alone or wtv. Happiness matters too, bro. Stay strong.
Have you considered couple’s counselling? That might help you to discuss the issues in a safe space. I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment, it sounds like you’re exhausted.
I could be wrong but she’s trying to push your buttons to get you to argue with her. This way she has a excuse to leave . If she’s already cheated on you once then there is nothing stopping her doing it again.
A relationship only works if both parties make it or want it to work. You sound like a nice guy , you can do better for yourself. Show her the 🚪
This isn’t a validation sub.
My advice: dial down the amount of work you’re doing. Sorry, but you sound like a martyr. Food doesn’t have to be the best, money should be going to your future, she can hydrate herself.
Then get some therapy. Forgiveness is a job and you need some training.
“We work hard for trust” means nothing really. Need to get a job description from a professional.
Being a manservant isn’t working on trust.
She sounds very immature.
You need couples counseling badly, to help you communicate, resolve differences and express your needs.
You gotta leave brotha she ain’t the one
Divorce now.
I hate this for you. You are stuck holding on to a version of her that either no longer exists or frankly was an illusion to keep you from leaving. This kind of toxicity will make a person go mad.
The problem I see here is the lack of respect you have for yourself by letting yourself be the martyr. “I do everything for her and I get nothing in return.” Would you do this for a job? Would you do this for someone you didn’t know? Would you support a close friend if they were doing the same? The answer is quite simple, probably not. She herself and how she shows up for you is not worthy of everything you do to try to fix things. It’s not your job to fix people or relationships, but it is your job to show up for yourself and recognize when you are being taken advantage of.
She knows you do everything for her and that you’ll keep doing it until you’re done. You have to be the one to walk away. I don’t know if she just enjoys having the power to say hurtful things to you and tell you how awful you are, and I can imagine someone else modeled that behavior for her as a child, just like someone may have passively modeled behavior for you to just give in to others and give all of yourself without boundaries or a point of when it is time to walk away and let it go.
No one can tell you when or what is the right move for you. You have to get tired of your own bullsh*t before you’ll make the right choices for you. You deserve better, but not from her, she’s giving you exactly what you are settling for, no you deserve better from yourself. Good luck friend 🙏🏻 May you find your peace within this chaos.
Consider whether you can maintain such super responsibility for, say, the next ten years, and whether you want to. You’re being the “I can do it all” adult in this relationship probably is unsustainable in the long run.
Just based on what you’ve told us, it sounds like your wife is pushing you away. She may not even realize that’s what she’s doing (I doubt that) but she may be doing it so when you have FINALLY have had enough and leave her, that you’ll be “the bad guy.” Its a messed up way of thinking, but she sounds like she has some problems and you aren’t one of them.
You should leave her. Sounds like you are a great guy that deserves better.
Get divorced. You’re a punching bag, and punching bags wear out. Your “baby/angel” is out having affairs and treating you with contempt.
My advice to you is to stop putting so much effort into someone who doesn’t put any effort into you. Start putting that effort on yourself. Do nice things for you. When she notices tell her that from now on, she will get what she gives, and if she continues to give nothing, then unfortunately, you will end the relationship. Nobody deserves to feel unloved when they are in a relationship. Tell her you’re emotionally exhausted, you feel empty, and she’s doing absolutely nothing to fill you with love. She’s only taking it.
A healthy marriage is about balance. A husband and wife’s purpose is to make each other’s lives easier — sharing the workload, lifting each other on the hard days, and moving together toward a common goal. When that balance is missing, bad habits take root, and over time they become very difficult to correct.
I often compare relationships to a bonsai tree: they need constant care, pruning, and shaping. In love, you do that through open communication, mutual effort, and reciprocity. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you’ve been doing the giving and the talking, while receiving very little in return.
I’ve lived through this myself. Ten years after my divorce, I still get emails from my ex-wife — full of apologies, begging me to take her back — even though I’m happily engaged now. I share that because if you ever decide to leave and pursue the love you truly deserve, chances are she will wake up too, and suddenly fight for what she neglected. But the real strength is in recognizing the toxicity for what it is, refusing to repeat it, and building something healthier and better.
It sounds like as long as your self-awareness takes responsibility for all things wrong, she’s happy to let you and doesn’t take responsibility for her own. You probably should consider whether or not she really is your person. Relationships are give and take. It sounds as though she’s doing the lion share of the taking.
She is transferring her guilt onto you. By nitpicking things she can deflect accountability for what she did. Her calling you names is how she actually feels and it is why she felt justified in stepping out on you. It’s not healthy. You need counseling and if she won’t meet you there, then you have to deal with the fact that we are all aging and as we age, our options to recover relationally and financially dwindle. I’m sorry.
She cheated on you. She doesn’t respect you, and call you names. You treat her well, do a lot of the chores, and carry a lot for your household. There is great imbalance in your relationship. You seem to value her a lot more than she values you, and it’s almost like she’s pushing you to break up with her? I feel the lack of respect from her will eventually push both of you to the breakup point, if she doesn’t make changes in how she views and treats you. Adults pretty much come into relationship the way they are. Even if someone wants to change, it’s not easy, and more likely than not, people keep being the same as they’ve always been. It doesn’t look like she wants to change and treat you better, and even if she does, she most likely might not.
A marriage can only function when both people pitch in. You’re doing a lot. She doesn’t seem like she does much at all?
Also, she cheated, your body is reacting to that by not wanting to be intimate. Ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life feeling this way, knowing that she will likely cheat again. You know how it goes- once a cheater, always a cheater.
You’re owed more than an apology from this woman. She doesn’t respect you, sounds like she doesn’t even like you and resents you. While it was certainly your choice to get past her affair, that’s a huge wound on any relationship. You’re doing too much for her (never thought I’d say that!). Honestly, she doesn’t respect not deserve you. Please, gather your self-esteem, dignity and belongings and leave her. You will be much happier without her and will heal from the wounds of this marriage. You’ll find a woman who will love and appreciate you for you! And in answer to your question, no. You are definitely not the issue.
Why are still in this? She sounds like a spoiled, mean highschooler.
What are you even asking? This woman sounds like she’s verbally and emotionally abusive to you. You do and give everything while she gives nothing but abuse back. Why do you remain with someone like that ? She sounds like she does not even like you, you’re no better than an unpaid housekeeper, but you’re bringing home a check too. I’d be happier on my own, maybe find a partner that acts like they like me at least. You deserve a whole lot more than what she gives you. Go get it!
Whether you are carrying the whole relationship or just feel like you are, this isn’t working for either of you.
This seems like some sort of role reversal . She might want you to man up . If this is a traditional relationship situation. It seems like your the feminine energy an she is the masculine. Which is OK but it doesn’t work for everyone.
ya va, ¿llevas años aguantando esa situacion?… Estas luchando y amando tu solo.
You’re going through a lot and have tried hard in the relationship but silence when what you want is resolution is not healthy. Specially when you are staying silent as a punishment, in the hopes that she will give you want you need.
I agree that she should try and it should not always be on you, but the way to approach it is not to act in an unhealthy way back. I’ve tried that. Matched the other persons energy. And it just brought me shame.
I would talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. That you would like an apology, and in fact need one. That you feel you deserve one and ask her to reflect on the argument and come back and have a conversation with you. Tell her you are hurting and would like to resolve things, but are upset and need her to step up for you if she values you and the relationship.