TLDR: I’ve (29F) been with my bf (29M) for over a decade. I think trauma is causing us to drift apart, and while I’ve tried to get him help, I think it’s causing me to resent him. I don’t think he’s can be the partner I need and it terrifies me.
I’ve (29F) been dating my bf (29F) since high school. For years, our love was magical. Full of lust, passion, laughs, and great memories. Since we’ve known each other for years, we’ve experienced a lot together. That includes trauma. He lost a parent at a young age (15) and I always feared it would come back to haunt him later on. He tried therapy but never truly healed his wounds. He then went years without therapy. Fast forward to graduating college, I feel like I was living my best life and thriving with my career and experiencing new cities.. while he was just there and along for the ride. At times, I felt like he wasnt in reality. Idk if that makes sense. Like he almost refused to grow up internally. He has always treated me with respect and love but when it came to doing *adult things (like looking ahead to the future or financial planning or career planning or planning in general), he just couldn’t. For years this has been slowly drawing me away from him. But I still love him so much and care deeply for him and he does for me. He tells me that I’m his biggest motivator. And yes, I’ve always pushed him to be proactive and do the best he can do. Becuase in my eyes he has so much potential. I know what he is capable of because I knew him before the trauma, but part of me is thinking he may be stuck and may not be capable to get there and it scares me sm.
Recently we moved to a new city. It was a shaky time for us. I was excited but he was a little nervous and really wants to settle but unsure if this city is the right place for him. Something set in for him and myself though after we moved. I pretty much forced him to go to therapy and start feeling his emotions again. He did. He’s made improvements and it makes me so happy but it feels like it’s too late for me. I don’t want it to be. I’ve tried to get him to work on himself for years and he’s always pushed back and never wanted to face reality. Now that he’s finally doing it, it weirdly makes me feel soooo distant, disconnected, and almost resentful. It’s almost like I just wanted to make sure he got the help he needs so I can move on.
Also, I feel like all my family and friends are worried for me because our relationship has a slow burn now. I can see it in their eyes and wondering “what’s next?” Or “something needs to change”. So sometimes when we’re out, I get pretty annoyed by my BF. Pretty much everything he does. From eating, talking, and coughing. The resentment is in full force.
It’s so hard for me to write this becuase deep down I believe he’s my soul mate, but the cards he’s been dealt in life are pushing him away from me. Again, he’s working on himself but I’m at the age where I need to make a decision. It feels too late for me. unfortunately it comes at the cost of losing my best friend and love of my life. The timing sucks.
note** I understand it takes people years to recognize and feel their trauma.. unfortunately it took over a decade for him to realize his.
I’m so lost. I love this man with all my heart. Please be kind in the comments. I’m just looking for advice and direction. Id also love to hear if anyone has dated someone with trauma!
Thank you in advance.