A friend (F43) has been eavesdropping on my calls with my new BF (M32) criticizing us a lot (despite never meeting or speaking to him before), & giving me (F26) advice that I’m not sure is good.
She thinks men are all the same & that in order to keep my BF interested, I need to act uninterested to make him miss me & “chase” me because men are hunters. She said if I let him “catch” me, he’ll get bored, & if I do the chasing, I’ll become unattractive to him. So, she’s told me to stop calling & texting him & wait until he contacts me first. Even then, she told me to not answer the first couple of times he calls, & when I do, keep the call short & vague to create mystery & make him wonder.
She also believes that men should treat their woman like a queen, but I shouldn’t treat him like a king. So she told me to stop compilmenting him, stop doing nice things for him, stop saying stuff like “I miss you” so that he doesn’t get an inflated ego, stop buying him gifts, & to stop paying for stuff for him because apparently this also isn’t attractive to men & will make him take advantage of me. She called me a doormat for doing these things.
He isn’t constantly asking or demanding money from me, though. I’ve only paid for things 3 times in the few months we’ve been together. Although I can’t work because I’m disabled & often in hospital for weeks, I do this because my BF is poverty-stricken & I’m lucky enough not to be as poor. My friend is the kind of girl who believes it’s the man’s job to provide & pay for everything no matter what, but I know that’s not always possible. My BF is really struggling to make ends meet right now & is considering a 2nd job.
Despite being poor, he treats me better than any other guy I’ve ever been with, so I want to treat him well too & I really don’t want to lose him. I’m scared that following my friend’s advice will harm our relationship & make him break up with me. Her advice just seems manipulative, toxic & sexist. Is it? Should I take it?
TLDR: Is my friend right? Is it true that men are hunters who love chasing women and, in order to keep my boyfriend, I need to basically act uninterested and stop doing the things mentioned above? I wouldn’t know because I went to an all girls Christian school and I only started interacting with boys offline when I was 18.
Comments
What the hell did I just read? No she’s not right. How is she even eavesdropping on your calls? Stop discussing your relationship with her and I don’t even know if I’d continue this “friendship”.
To put it bluntly, your friend is an idiot and you’re much too old to be playing these games. Sounds like you and your boyfriend have a good relationship you both like.
If your “friend” is single, it should be clear why
Anyone who thinks all men (or women) are the same is a total idiot and can be safely ignored. Indeed, the rest of what she says is equally idiotic. You chose the words “manipulative, toxic and sexist” well. Follow your instincts and your own intelligence, and do not let her sabotage your relationship with her terrible advice.
If your friend is single, this would explain it. Dont follow her advice unless you too wanna be a single cat lady. That is all.
Ignore her. Your friend is totally wrong. She is either plain stupid or trying to sabotage your new relationship.
Your friend read way too many magazines when she was a teen.
Your friend knows nothing.
You’re friend is single, right?
Yeah! sounds like good advice for a successful relationship! As is highlighted by your friends Amazing 🤩 success!! So much so that you may want to replicate those when you turn 40 😉
If your friend is single then she’s literally the “women subconsciously like to keep other women single” stereotype.
Nevertheless she’s a 43 year old women who sounds pretty miserable, better to navigate the world yourself and learn your own lessons than follow the advise of someone who ended up bitter.
It’s sounds to me like she’s been watching/reading too many “dating advice” slop on the internet on how to keep a man’s interest.
People are people. Those that play hard to get cause anxiety in those they do it to. I think it’s patently manipulative and a power play. Be authentic and honest in how you communicate with your BF if you want a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. If he loses interest because you’re “too available” then he’s not the right partner for you.
I don’t personally believe in treating a partner like royalty. It feels too much like putting them on a pedestal which isn’t love IMO. Treat your partner how you wanted to be treated. Mutual respect, kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, and any number of other things that show you value them as a person.
As for your friend, tell her to butt out. Trying to control you and your relationship is not her job and it’s demeaning that she thinks she gets to tell you what to do. She sounds like an overbearing parent – it’s disrespectful.
>A friend (F43) has been eavesdropping on my calls with my new BF (M32) criticizing us a lot (despite never meeting or speaking to him before), & giving me (F26) advice that I’m not sure is good.
A tale as old as time that I cannot stand. A “friend” disrupting the relationship of their friend because they do not like who their friend is dating. It’s such an odd thing.
Your friend needs therapy and you need to stop listening to them. Don’t let their misery sabotage your happiness.
I stopped taking advice from single people, or people in unhappy long term relationships. Your friend sucks.
If you play games with men, you will end up only dating men who also play games. If you communicate well with men, you will have a chance of dating men who are good communicators.
By chance is your “friend” happily married? If not, what makes you think she knows what she’s talking about?
Guys want love and affection too. They want to be valued and appreciated. Men weren’t just put on this earth to serve their “queens”.
You have a toxic friend. You’re better off cutting her loose.
I stopped reading at the hunter comment. I’ve been married 30 years, but when I was dating, I made it very clear that I did not play bullshit games. We were either pursuing something mutually or we weren’t.
Your friend is an idiot. Stop listening to anything she says. This girl likes to play games and that shit isn’t cute. The way my husband would never have put up with this crap. He spotless dumped so fast. Treat your boyfriend how you’ve been treating him.
Her “advice” is a handbook on how to be emotionally abusive to your partner. Don’t compliment him? Don’t respond to him until he’s reached out multiple times? Don’t treat him nicely or give him gifts? Don’t be supportive and emotionally open with him?
I mean, yeah, these tactics will “work” in that they will create a constant nagging anxiety in him and a feeling that he’s never being told the truth and has to guess and assume as how you feel and if you even like him. In an insecure or anxiously attached person, this will eventually lead mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. A person with some love experience and self-respect will simply walk away from this behavior.
Imagine a man being told this is how best to treat a woman so she doesn’t get too comfortable or complacent in a relationship? I hate to do the gender swap thing, but literally this sounds like a page out of the PUA community textbook on “How To Emotionally Abuse Your Partner to Creat Codependency and Ensure She Never Leaves You (While Being Miserable for Her Entire Life!)”
It comes down to what kind of relationship you want, OP? Do you want to love, cherish, and support someone and get the same back from them? Or do you want a hollow shell of a partner who only lives to please you? Think about the relationship dynamic your “friend” is saying is optimal. Really think about the kind of person who would want to do that to someone else.
Some men like the chase, but a lot of people like that burnout as soon as they no longer get that high and it’s time to settle down. So, that type of person isn’t really in it for the longevity.
Life is hard on you and your boyfriend, but you’re both still trying to make it work. That’s what a relationship is.
Your friend is 43-years-old, I’m assuming single as, and living with someone in her 20s . . . if that doesn’t say brokedown then I don’t know what does. Lol
First of all, she isnt your friend if she is evesdropping on your phone calls. If she is over 35 and still single, I am not sure if you should even listen to her on any relationships.
Literally any advice that starts with “all (people with specific characteristic) are the same” is automatically wrong. All men are not the same, any more than all women are the same.
Your friend’s advice seems toxic and sexist because it is. So is she.
Only take relationship advice from people who have relationships that you want to emulate. Something tells me that your friend is single.
43 years old. She’s been left on the shelf and she’s bitter.
Damn , yes ! okay , some dumb games with your partner and see where that leads you .