I was talking to a male friend of mine who hasn’t been in a relationship in a long time.
We came to a sort of agreement that we essentially want a best friend that we get to have a sexual relationship with. At the end of the day, we felt that most men just crave companionship and physical intimacy with someone who will have our backs when times get tough.
So what I want to ask my FELLOW MEN here is whether, essentially, your ideal relationship is a best friend you get to have a sexual relationship with? If not, what is?
I am totally open to hearing from women and also am very interested in non-heterosexual or non-monogamous men. Share your thoughts!
Comments
My ideal relationship is not having a relationship period.
That’s a great question. For me yeah, the best ideal of a relationship is that I’m with a girl who I can talk to about anything, or nothing. And be happy either way. Someone who I can talk to about the little stuff that happens to me in a day that’s too silly to talk about with most of my friends.
An ideal relationship is that kind of friendship, tied with the fact that we get to have sex with each other.
Yea I guess. Beyond the obvious of also wanting to build a relationship so my future kids have a dope mom and parents with a secure, loving relationship that serves the foundation of our family… there’s also an emotional aspect. Sure, I can get personal and vulnerable w the boys, but it’s just different with a girl. Not sexual per se, but I’ll never cuddle up w the homies
Absolutely, they are literally your partner in life and the person you typically spend the most time with.
Friends can come and go (and are definitely essential), but having both of those next level connections with someone you’re sharing the most of your life with makes for a better foundation and overall experience, as long as you can support each other’s independence as well.
I think that that is a fine description, but I’d also include that it goes further into compatibility and values (I have great friends who I fucking hated living with, I don’t need to agree as much with friends) and it’s also backwards looking. Like yeah, you need someone who is like a great friend, who you can work and live with, who is physically compatible with you, who you are mostly on the same page as. But then also at some point, this is the person who has been your partner and your collaborator, who has been by your side for every major experience for the past x years, who raised your children with you – even if you change and change away from each other in some ways, this starts to be such a big part of what makes that relationship different than simply a good friend.
No. Not even remotely.
Personally, while I definitely want to be able to have fun with her like with a best friend and have great chemistry, I feel like I want to feel like I’m completely at home with her. Like I can talk to her about anything without fear. I just feel like our connection is deeper than just good friendship with sex included. Like we make each other happier than we are when we’re alone.
If you are each others’ entire world it is not ideal.
That ease with each other is nice. Conversation flows easily. You do many things together that bring you both joy and fulfillment. Sex comes frequently and enthusiastically for both of you.
But, complimentary personalities is also nice. So you make each other better people and a more complete person as a couple. And frankly, you both are also very comfortable with you independent time as well. You can pursue your own interests and she can pursue hers at times. If you are each others entire world it is not ideal.
Yes, but I’d also add that it’s also important to work well together. Long term relationships come with shared responsibilities and good friends don’t always pay bills together well.
No. My ideal relationship is rooted in sexuality and erotic compatibility. I don’t think that’s the same as covering all the bases of what would make for a best friend. I basically have to feel like I don’t need to have a filter around them to become intimate … but that doesn’t mean we’ll agree on everything or even necessarily like the same things.
Are you basically telling us you’re gay?
That’s exactly what adolescent me fantasized about. But no, adult me wants a whole exclusive adult relationship.
I’ve seen people say they have friends and don’t want their partner to be their friend, they want them to be their partner. That is confusing to me, because it appears they’re confusing the meaning of a best friend with – if my partner is my friend they’ll act and treat me like one of the boys.
A best friend in a partner simply means, IMO, that they are your biggest supporter, they are the person who you can’t trust more than anyone, the person you want to be around the most, your ride or die. It doesn’t mean that your girlfriend is going to poop and show you because they think it’s funny. It just means your partner is the person you want to be with the most, and the person you can turn to no matter what. Especially in a marriage, you chose to legally commit to someone and close off the idea of being with anyone else ever again, it should be because this is your favorite person.
I can’t imagine actually being sexually attracted to someone the way I would need to be, for a 14 year relationship, without the deep emotional connection, trust, and love that I associate with “my partner is my best friend.”
The distinguishing factor is they aren’t your best mate, they aren’t your bro.
So yea that would be my ideal situation 🙂
My ideal relationship is frequent sex, friend/partnership, and emotional vulnerability.
Alone, I can get friendship from my friends, emotional vulnerability in therapy, and casual sex from dating apps. Finding all three in a person in ways that align with me is the tough part.
If one of these is missing (without good temporary cause), I’m better leaving the relationship and sourcing each thing individually until I can find a better relationship.
Life is too short to be unsatisfied. You only get to do this shit once.
Maybe I’ll play devils advocate, but I’ve never thought of my partner as my best friend. They’re your partner and that within itself is a different category than a best friend. Ones not necessarily better, but I would say one definitely carries more weight
With a best friend, you look for the similarities on a more base level area. Core values are brownie points (although I do not by any means dismiss them). I love shooting shit, staying up late, watching sports, smoking, doing stupid stuff, etc. with my friends. For me I have a good connection with ones I deem my best friends and to me, this is simple. To say the same about a relationship with your partner is just not true
My partner and I connect much more when it comes to our expectations from what we both want out of a relationship. Accountability, drawing lines when things can get a little out of hand, communication, values, similarities in what we expect for ourselves, etc. are all things that differ from what I want from my friends
The way I see it, if you’re exclusive, your practically dating them, just pretending that your not
I’m not a dude. And I can’t directly ask him, for depressing reasons. But I’m pretty sure that’s what my spouse would say most of our relationship was like.
There can be a “spark” on top of that, yeah, but the spark comes and goes. You wave goodbye to it, knowing both that it doesn’t have to be there, and that it’ll probably be back when circumstances permit (if you’re terrified month-to-month about when and whether you’re gonna scrape together rent, the spark can… make itself scarce.) But the big part of the relationship is the trust and day-to-day rapport.
So invest time and heart in that rapport, because it’s what keeps y’all going when the spark is on vacation.
I mean i dont wanna share my entire life with a best friend, so imo it’s even more special than that. If adulthood is a game, a relationship is co-op mode (even moreso than siblinghood, which is more akin to an MMO since you can part ways without an eyebrow raised)
Not just a BFF I can fuck. No.
I love my wife and she’s my best friend in that she’s the friend I hang out with the most. She’s great but she’s not into all the same shit I’m into which is a good thing.
Y’all are off your rocker if you think you want a wife/mother of your kids who is just as dumb as you in all the same ways you are…which is exactly what your BFF has to offer.
You’re not as intimate with your BFF as you are with your wife. You don’t share space the same way. Your relaxation is in a different head space.
You don’t tell the same jokes or stories to your wife that you would to your BFF. In part because the respect comes from a different perspective. They’re not impressed or excited about the same things. Imagine telling stories about your hobby to someone who doesn’t share the hobby. Same vibes. No I’m not talking about keeping secrets.
I want a wife who is a good person. Who is strong emotionally and physically. Who is smart. Who is a good role model for my children. Who is capable of making good decisions in my absence. Who respects me and will churn the earths core to make sure I’m succeeding. Who will pick up the torch and run hard if I drop it. Collaboration without communication. Same trajectory.
You just don’t plan a family or a legacy or your long term future with your bff. They should be there to celebrate with you and help you along if they can, but they’re a different pillar of support. It’s not your bff’s success. When you succeed it is indeed also your wife’s success. Marriage should be that way. Your goals become entwined. Ride or die.
Before we get too far in the weeds, you should be propping your bff up if they need to be upright and you should celebrate their victories. But for your wife you should reel in the moon to make her goals a reality, because her success is also yours. Your bff may have his own success, but it is not yours.
If you want to fuck your buddies that’s cool, but don’t pretend your bff is wife material. There’s more to it.
Holy. Fucking. Matrimony.
(Strip the religious connotation aside if you must but the vibe is the same. If it’s not, y’all won’t stay married.)
Nah, if I wanted to a best friend to bang, I would just be gay.
I want a woman I could be friends with, except there’s this spark that makes me want to tear her clothes off and a flirtatious banter between us.
I want different values and skills in my partner than my friends. For instance, I don’t care too much if my friends aren’t financially responsible or tidy around the house, but I want those things in my partner.
I don’t mind my friend’s religion at all, but my partner needs to be closer to me and have similar ideas on how to raise kids (or not have them).
There is certainly some overlap in what I want from a friend and my partner, and I need to be able to be friends with my partner, but there is also a different subset of qualities I need from a partner.
It’s a bit more than that, but that’s more correct than it is incorrect.
My wife is my best friend. We met 22 years ago got married 21 years ago. I think you have to have that best friend relationship because stuff gets hard sometimes in life. You need that special bond that’s like the mortar to the marriage. You can without them being the best friend sure I’ve seen it, but I feel shit is stronger when you have that second layer. But that’s just me.
Pretty much yes. That’s what marriage should be.
My wife is my best friend and we have a sexual relationship, so it is an ideal relationship. 😊
Woman here — yeah friend who I have excellent chemistry / banter/ sex with . Friendship and sex what a combination. Feels foolproof.
I think they also have to be a good fit as a roommate.
I’ll get downvoted to hell for this, but no. My ideal is someone I get along with and can see a couple of times a month to “scratch the itch” for a couple of hours and then we go our separate ways. No emotional attachment necessary.
erm kind of, but I don’t wanna have sex with most of my best friends so not really
the partners I am interested in is because of the spark between us, which is its own thing… I can have deep friendships that are different to deep partnerships for more reasons than sex… like I have one friend who I just find it so fun to be around and wish I could be around him more, to the extent that I would definitely wanna have sex with him if I were gay but I’m just not physically attracted in that way
That’s kind of my wife, with extra commitments and tax benefits. Maybe because I waited (well, sucked at dating and focused on my career) to get married until later, and had a better idea of who I was and what I wanted. Even without sex I love hanging with her, funny, goofy, nerdy, smart, etc.
I don’t get what you are removing from the equation. Is it commitment? Because if you bail on your best freind and treat them poorly, they won’t be friends for long. You want someone who will have our backs when times get tough, you need to have theirs when times get tough. Is it polyamory? A partner that won’t care if you try to sleep with others?
Prior to meeting my partner, I would have said yes to having a best friend you get to have a sexual relationship with, but in my current relationship, she’s so much more. For me, at least, it’s a balance between similarities and differences. We’re the same person on many levels, which is unexpectedly nice for both of us. It allows us to care for one another the way we both need. We’re also different in many areas as well, which adds a level of interest in an unexpected way: learning about each other’s hobbies, interests, etc. We genuinely take interest in finding out more about one another – quirks included. We also have great chemistry, but coupled with everything above, it really takes the entire relationship to a new level and allows for intimacy to exist in more than a sexual form. We’re vulnerable with one another and love each other’s touch, in all forms. The physical contact (and the need/desire for it, from both of us) also adds to what I mean when I say she’s so much more than my best friend. So yes to your question, but with additions to be more than a best friend.
I think the main difference is that I wouldn’t expect a friend to put me first (or for them to expect me to put them first) in the same way you put your partner first.
I would drop anything and anyone to be there for my partner in times of need and vice versa. You can’t really expect that level of dedication from a friend – because their first priority is their partner, too!
Also, going through a pregnancy and childbirth with your partner brings you closer than you might have thought possible – at least in my experience.
But best friends who fvck is a very good place to be and I’d recommend holding on to that person very, very tightly.
Edit: I’m a bi woman in a hetero relationship.
Yes 100%
No, it’s more than that.
A best friend, yes. A sexual relationship, yes. But a partner is doing more than that. They’re trying to take care of you as much as you take care of yourself. Someone to push you to do those things that you know you need to do, and to support you in them. To go out of the way to tell you you’re wrong, and to still be supportive of your decisions even when they disagree.
Like I don’t expect my best friends to do all that. To really be dedicated to you like that, and you to them. That’s what commitment is. It includes a duty and responsibility that you don’t ask of just a friend or sexual partner because it would be rude.
That commitment and trust is more important than sex and more important than friendship.
The only relationship that is really similar to that is the parent-child relationship, and that is not a balanced or equal relationship. Your relationship with your partner needs to be committed in the same way, and also balanced and equal.
It’s a lot to ask and a lot to give.
Sam Hyde speaks on this
>Stop thinking you need your woman to align with you completely. You know who’s going to align with you completely? A man. A man with Asperger’s.
I can talk about like, Ellul’s writings or I dunno, freaking Roman coinage with the bros while we play some autistic as heck game. And seriously I do not recommend bringing up Roman coinage on a date.
I’d have higher odds of finding a woman who says she’s into that brand of weird and then next thing I know I’m waking up in a back-alley with the worst hangover possible and feeling the rough stitches on my side because I just got my kidneys snatched by the cartels
I don’t have a single “best friend” but my ideal “close friend” relationship isn’t as emotionally intense as a romantic relationship.
I know that makes me a paragon of toxic masculinity or whatever, but a really emotionally intense relationship is mentally draining and I want the opposite from friend-hangout time.
Yep, that’s what I have and I couldn’t ask for anything better.
nah.
my wife she does things I dont do or even think of.
she compliments me in a nice way.
we still do things together and enjoy each others company as if we are best friends but it goes deeper than just being best friends who fuck.
you dont make your life with your best friend.
i make my life with her, its really no longer my life, its our life that we’re building together.
Yes. That is perfect
Pretty Much, but what makes a best friend is open for interpretation.
Yup, that’s a perfect description.