My DH told off MIL. She didn’t take it well.
MIL texted him asking what’s wrong and said he’s making “them” look stupid for declining with her never-ending plans and even said she never “planned” plans, when she clearly does every week.
DH told her what he really felt and it ended up being blamed on my family. Being more “well-off” and “fun”. Literally replied just to gaslight him and make him feel bad about the family. No remorse or accountability about anything at all. That’s it. Just her saying the usual like of “I thought I raised you well”. I told DH not to include me in it and he did and yet she still managed to bring me and my family up. Is this projection or her mask falling off?
She had also blocked me and I’m honestly relieved.
However, I’m really worried about DH. This is going to be life-changing for him especially knowing that she’ll go around making him look bad to his other family members. My DH enjoys spending time with relatives. And I really hope they won’t believe things without hearing his side first.
I’m actually so sad how such a person can be like that. I feel good that it’s finally brought up but I can’t help but feel sad for him. I’ve read lots of narcissism in a family and it really strikes you for life.
Please, let me know how I can support and help him through this.
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Other posts from /u/AbilityPale1572:
Help me, 2 days ago
Partner Refuses to Hang Out., 1 week ago
Rant, 2 weeks ago
What’s with the Never Ending Plans?, 3 weeks ago
Mental Health Declining, 1 month ago
MIL texted me., 1 month ago
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He likely would benefit from therapy if he has fears of losing his entire familu over simply telling his mother how he feels.
You can’t do anything except have and uphold your own boundaries about what behavior and treatment you accept. You can support your husband making his own choices and prevent yourself from enabling him to continue the dysfunctional cycles.
His mother is upset that he doesn’t have loyalty to her and sees the families you come from as the problem rather than her inability to let go. He didnt join your family and you didn’t join his, but you created a new one together. Your MIL can’t accept that she is no longer the center of your husbands life and she has set herself up in competition with your family.
Let her dig herself deeper. Encourage your husband to set boundaries and reach out to other relatives one on one.
There’s a lot of great resources from books to YouTube psychologists that I’ve found helpful. Dr. Ken Adams deals with mother-enmeshed men. He has YouTube videos and books like “When He’s Married to Mom”
I also like Dr. Ramani and her content on flying monkeys and dealing with covert narcissists or vulnerable narcissists
Then there is Dr. Jerry Wise and his content on dealing with narcissistic family systems. This will likely be most helpful in navigating not losing relatives over mil.
Not OP but sounds like great recs.
her mask slipping off.
Independence = disobedience, they own their children and dh is being a naughty child for wanting some space to fit his whole life in.
They expect to be his number one priority and have made his lifetime one of grooming him to put her needs and feelings first. (suggest reading about F.O.G in terms of fear, obligation and guilt and how they weaponise them to teach and maintain control.
Naturally as you get older, life expects you to become more independent and your life fills up with more responsibility but they don’t see it as natural maturing and normal life milestones. They see the no,i’m busy as disobedience.
Partners tend to be the bad guy in their narrative because when you came into dh’s life his priorities started to switch to you and your shared life together. You become a real person that they can see and blame for the change in dh as he became the married adult version of her son. It’s never about what you really did or didnt do that she tries to blame on the surface, it’s the idea of you controlling and manipulating her son away from them and the idea of a partner in general.
„…especially knowing that she’ll go around making him look bad to his other family members. My DH enjoys spending time with relatives. „
Suggestion (I did something similar when I went (temporarily) NC to my mum)
Your DH should proactively communicate with his loved family members. Just to show that he cares about them and wants to meet them. He can talk about what happened with his mum, but does not have to. Depends on the actual relationship.
In my case, I proactively talked to my grandma and step siblings. Now I have a better relationship with all of them than I had before. My grandma was especially important. She asked a lot and I explained a lot. I did justify myself but explained it to her such that she understands. This worked because she respected this boundary (and I also was firm about it)
She had also blocked me and I’m honestly relieved.
GOD and karma blessed you
This is a classic case of DARVO. She’s deflecting because she can’t handle being wrong. The best support for your DH is validation. Tell him you see the manipulation, you’re proud of him for speaking up, and you’re on his team. Blocking you is a gift. Enjoy the peace.
Could your DH send a message to family members saying “Hi, I thought I’d let you know that I’ve decided to go very low contact with Mom following recent communications we’ve had. She repeatedly blamed my wife and my wife’s family for a number of things that Mom herself was responsible for and does not accept responsibility either. This doesn’t work for me. She may tell you things that I said or did to her, and that is her version of what happened/what was said. If asked, I can provide my version and you can then make up your own minds. I would ask that you respect my decision, as it was a difficult one to make. All the best”
Don’t let her be the person controlling the narrative of this situation and it sounds very much as though she is at the moment. Best of luck to you dealing with this.
I think this is the most painful part — having to be okay with others not knowing your full truth. And there is so much grief attached to that. The best thing you can do to support him is to keep making space for his feelings, to not make it about your own injuries and hurts but instad to be a really good listener. If it’s possible, a therapist can also support him through processing this. I use the analogy of opening a locked box — he might start seeing the other moments where he was pushed into this pattern (or he might keep them locked up), but either way, match his level. Sometimes partner’s go a step ahead of the other person which causes defensiveness to kick in (and stops them from seeing the full pattern).
You need some therapy to help you deal with your feelings. Keep her blocked.
Remember, his sister has been NC for 3 years. Family is aware of this already. No need for DH to be worried about his mother’s embarrassment. She already is. DH can choose a trusted family member and explain to them why he is NC now too.
Hey there. This is tough but it sounds like you’ll have some peace. For the other family members, I cut off my mother a long time ago and was hurt that my family members didn’t stay in touch even though I thought we were close and they knew what she was like. One of the books I read about emotionally immature parents said that people will almost always default to whoever they have the closest family tie to – so, for example, my aunt would side with her sister, and not me. Make sure your husband knows this is a natural thing and has nothing to do with him. Protect your peace and good luck.
Same thing happened to DH this year. MIL poisoned the well with the extended family. We weren’t even invited to his cousin’s wedding, which is a HUGE snub culturally where the neighbour’s sister’s in-laws would be invited. He’s also an only child so it’s hitting him especially hard. I’ve encouraged him to lean into my family and our mutual friends. It’s much better to have less social interactions overall than to have toxic people in your life.
Hi! Just read your entire series of posts and I am so happy for you and your DH! It’s a big step towards the brighter future together, only the two of you.
While reading, I recognized my own situation and same big anxiety feeling. I know how frustrating it is to observe the situation and have your hands in handcuffs. It’s not even frustrating, it fills with fury and rage, when you can clearly see patterns of manipulation, meanwhile your man can’t or refuses to notice. And the inability to act and put things in the right place can be so exhausting along with constant worrying for your relationship.
I feel like you and DH might need therapy separately, DH – get rid of narcissistic abuse and you seem like really merging with your anxiety and emotions a lot. I don’t want to sound rude and I am sorry if I do, it’s just this story is happening to me rn as well (but FH yet to recognize the villain) Anxiety and rage drove me crazy, made me a bit resentful, I lost some trust in whatever I have or will, but therapy helped a lot.
It helps to label emotions and thoughts, notice them and put aside, separate from them, and finally, live in peace.
In the end, that’s what your MIL wants – constantly triggering you and your DH and for now you still eat the emotional bait. And she will definitely try to win her son back, make up some illnesses and other crazy strategies and you both need to be mentally prepared.
Stay strong and happy, OP, I wish you both the best ❣️
I’ve been following your story. I’m so proud of you and him! This is a great achievement for him and one more step out of the FOG. I’m not saying it will be easy from here on out, and it may get worse before it gets better, but take a moment to celebrate!
I know you’ve been reading about narcissism, but it seems that there are some terms/strategies that are still new to you (like DARVO). I’d recommend familiarizing yourself with the terms/tactics/strategies of a narcissist and what you can do to protect yourself and your marriage. For me it was much easier when I had a name for things. It made what she was doing easier to recognize and it became easier to implement what I needed to do.
So, quick starter guide on dealing with a JNMIL and the whole dysfunctional family system:
This is 100% projection on her part. Classic move.
Your DH stood his ground, that’s huge. Be proud of him.
Blocking you was a blessing in disguise. Protect your peace.
Her saying “I thought I raised you well” is manipulation 101.
The “making him look bad” thing is projection too.
Best way you can support him is to validate his feelings.
Therapy (individual or couples) could help him process this.
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He might get ahead of things by contacting the relatives he likes and sharing the story from his side.
Glad the OP stood her ground and guided her husband. Just be there for the hubby because he is going to get a ton of pressure from everyone playing the “she is your mother card”.
Just remember ladies and gents your MILs have always been toxic people otherwise we wouldn’t be here. The traits have always been there they just bubble up to the surface once their kids get married off. Their relatives know it, their friends know it and they if they don’t they acknowledge they are probably toxic themselves or enablers. The challenge is and it’s hard but sometimes people need to be low to zero contact and soulless people like me it isn’t a problem but for others it is.
My wife’s mother (sorry had to spell it out because 95% of the time it seems like the husbands mom is the issue) is typical behavior, the list of stuff she has done is long and so head scratching a book could be written in two volumes. She was a horrible MIL to my BIL’s ex and his current wife and now she is looking to us to fix her horrible financial situation because we’re financially better off. She treats her daughter like crap.
OP hold the course if she unblocks you just ignore her.
Reading books like Adults Children of Emotionally Immature parents can be helpful to help validate him and help him stay confident in these situations.