Hey reddit, this is throwaway account because me and my fiancé use the same reddit account.
I (23f) met my fiance (27 m) when I was 19 in college 4 years ago, I’m currently 7 months pregnant. We are having a planned pregnancy and our daughter is due in october!
My fiance had a high school sweetheart who he dated since freshman year till his sophomore year in college; she died due to breast cancer. I never knew her but in the beginning of our relationship he never failed to mention how she was a beautiful person. He has admitted to me that i always wanted to marry her and imagined them having kids. He loves me so very much and has always been a great partner.
Recently we were on the topic of baby names. I am mixed, (Ivorian and Brazilian) and my fiance is from Costa Rica. I was things of the name Antonia, but was definitely open to other options.
He suggested we name our daughter after her. Not a middle name, not a “Gracie-Anne” kind of thing where you have 2 names, but her first name.
His ex’s name is very unique and not something common where it could be nicknamed different or not be directly a tribute to her. I believe her name is a cultural name as well and neither of us are from that culture.
I told him, id be fine with it being her middle name or a nickname even, but he told me he really wanted to make her name his ex’s. I would like to make it clear I have nothing against the idea of naming kids after lost loved ones but, just not my first baby. I have a strong feeling that our daughter is going to look just like me which will make it more awkward.
He just came home from work and is in a really good mood, I feel tense writing this next to him.
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Yea I wouldn’t want my partner doing that tbh. Nothing personal just like you said ; not the first baby and definitely not the first name, especially if it isn’t common or doesn’t fit your cultural background.
Not bad at all.
Just explain to him that while you understand what his ex means to him and that it is important for you to honor her memory and respect his grief, you are all going to be a new little family now and it is important for you for the name to be something that is only hers or only after biological family. Perhaps he can choose the name for any future babies or as you suggested, a middle name. You love and respect what he had with his ex, but this is YOUR daughter and you aren’t comfortable with it as the sole name being that it is unique and cultural to someone who you personally do not have ties to.
But names are one of those things in a couple that if it isn’t 2 unanimous yeses, then it’s a no.
I think it’s perfectly fine for him to ask, and it’s perfectly fine for you to not want it. Names for a baby of a couple are a two yes situation.
However, I do find it a bit odd that you feel a specific type of way since this is your first baby, rather than any baby, but I guess that’s not the topic here.
No, it’s not bad, and he should understand if you don’t want to do it.
Uhmm what?? So basically he never forgot her and you and your kid is a placeholder? Ew.
I am so sick of seeing these posts. Where are the mods, and why do they allow these to continue???
Your daughter deserves her own identity, not to be saddled with her father’s grief
You’re not wrong. Naming your first child after his dead girlfriend ties you and your daughter to a ghost instead of letting you build your own family story. Middle name is a fair compromise, first name is a hard no. If he can’t see why that crosses a line, ask him straight: is he trying to honor her or recreate her?
Nope. Thats a terrible ask, and there’s no way he can’t see how disrespectful that is. Not just to you, but to your unborn daughter.
I will never ever understand why people choose to give a child a dead person’s name as some sort of tribute. It’s morbid and it’s wrong. Especially when it’s not even someone in the family! A child is an individual, and should be treated as such. Saddling them with someone else’s name as if they’re an inanimate object is just plain weird and tacky.
Put your foot down and make sure he isn’t the one who gets the birth registered! Also, he sounds like he thinks he’s in charge here. And/or still in love with his ex. Put him straight.
Umm no thanks
Nope.
This is crazy
As someone who also lost someone they dated in high school, absolutely not. I understand the sentiment, but it’s just not a good idea.
Absolutely not. Not even a middle name. How the hell is your daughter going to feel when she finds out she was named after her father’s dead girlfriend???? She will rightfully assume her father wishes he ended up with this other woman which would mean your daughter wouldn’t even exist.
Do not make your daughter publicly carry her father’s grief for the rest of her life.
I would be rethinking the relationship if my partner was obtuse enough to even suggest it.
Absolutely tf not
Just politely explain to him that you don’t want a literal lifelong daily reminder that you are 2nd fiddle to his dead girlfriend, wonderful though she may have been.
A name should be a two yes situation. It’s absolutely inappropriate to want to name your child after his first love. Give them their own name.
No and it’s messed up that he would want.He isn’t over her
If you guys don’t agree on it the answer is no.
Screw him. Wonder how would he be reacting if you were to name your baby boy after your first love
Absolutely not.
No way, this does not seem healthy at all. A child is about the future, not the past. I can’t believe he is seriously asking this of you.
Plus it’s weird to share a Reddit account. I know you didn’t ask for opinions on that but it sounds a bit like there isn’t space for you to have your own identity in this relationship
I could understand naming it after a deceased mother but not a deceased girlfriend.
Nope. You need to explain to him that you understand and accept this person was important to him, but they were not close to you in any way. You never met her and don’t want to name your child after somebody you have not even met.
Your child is important to you and you want to choose a name – together with the dad – but not a name that is not accepted by the other person.
I personally also think it’s wrong that he mixes your two’s child with a relationship from the past where you were never any part of. That is wrong on the child and that is wrong on you. If he wants to name something after her, he can choose something that is only his own: a pet/a car/a plant, not something where another human should have a say.
I also think it’s wrong for the child to be named “in memoration” of a person that they never should have any relationship with: fathers old ex. I think memoriam names should come from people near the child: old family members, god parents or near friendships (of both parents).
Your husband seems to have a very unhealthy (perhaps subconscious) thought that this child is the same as he could have had with the ex girlfriend. It isn’t, since you are the mother and not her. He needs to discuss his grief with a counsellor if he can’t accept that.
Ps. I also want to add that even future kids should not be named after this girlfriend. As a second name, sure perhaps, if you feel like it, but NOT as a first name.
He is NOT over his ex. Quite frankly, he seems to still be in love with her (if all he did/does is talk about her.) This is unacceptable behaviour.
There is no way I would even begin to consider doing this. He is absolutely out of line to even ask you to name your child after his dead ex (in ANY way – first name, middle name, nickname, etc). This would just be a constant reminder that you and your daughter are only ever going to come in second at best.
He needs to move on. He can always hang onto her memory and maybe honor her on her birthday or the day she died, but it’s something he should do privately on his own. You have no reason to be involved in this. It’s insensitive to you for him to be constantly talking about her or trying to honor her in ways that permanently affect anyone but him.
Seriously, please do not give into this request/demand. This sounds like it’s going to be an endless problem in your relationship if he doesn’t work on himself. Maybe he should see a therapist. It’s one thing to be understanding and respectful of his grief, but it’s another thing to be abused by his continued love affair with a ghost.
The rule of thumb about names is that both parents have veto power over them.
“I’m not willing to make that her first name,” is all you have to say.
Nope.
Yeah nah, that’s a hard pass. Naming your first kid after his dead ex is basically setting yourself up to feel like a placeholder forever. Middle name compromise is fair, but if he can’t respect that, bigger convo needs to happen
I would ask him to imagine how the daughter would feel knowing that… that she is named after her dads gf who died before he met mom. Like I would feel a bit strange about that if that was my names history. But I guess that’s a personal take
Regardless, naming a baby needs to be a two yes decision, one no from either negates the name.
why is this so common it’s insane
abso-fucking-lutely not. it comes outta my vagina I get final naming veto
Nope. He can have his memories that’s ok but this is not.
No. He needs therapy to deal with the loss of his late gf. Don’t name your baby after a someone who passed. The person who lost them will always be comparing them and expecting them to be just like the person they lost instead of an individual with their own personality, likes and dislikes.
Did he grieve her properly? It’s ok to talk about her but still talking a lot about how beautiful she is and how he wanted to marry her and have kids with her feels like it’s too much. You are 7 years or so past when she passed on, but you should dig into what he did re: grieving and how he got back into dating. You being so young when you two got together after a major traumatic loss for him is concerning as well. Is the age gap horrible? It’s kind of borderline at that age. But add in the trauma he went through, and I wonder. It’s tough to navigate loss of a serious SO, so just make sure you both are going in with your eyes wide open to how he’s truly managed his grief.
How adamant is he about this? If he’s really pushing for it, you two need to get to counseling ASAP. You are being very kind suggesting her name or a variant be linked to a middle name. But I’d be wary he’d call your kid by their middle name.
Baby names are a two yes/one no kind of situation. If there aren’t two yeses, then it’s a no.
Also, just to throw some extra support to you, there isn’t a chance in hell that I’d name my daughter after my fiancé’s ex girlfriend. I don’t care how nice she was. He’s got to come up with a different way to honor her than to name the baby (you did all the heavy lifting for) after her. Nope, nope, nope.
Leave the past, in the past…
Your daughter deserves her own name, not a name in memory of his ex. He needs therapy to deal with that trauma.
Nope. It’s weird he would even want that. It would be a daily reminder that he would still be with his late gf if he had any choice.
Such bullshit, Jesus
I went through something similar. My sweetheart died when I was 25 and it took many years to recover. My advice: your boyfriend isn’t done grieving. And that is understandable but he’s not ready for a relationship with you.
Since the baby was planned, should’ve had this discussion before hand.
Baby names require 2 yes. So the name is a nope.
Naming a kid after a former romantic partner dead or alive is just ick.
Before you marry, make sure he gets counseling to deal with this.
My friends parents had a deal about their first son together. The dad chose the name and mom got to choose the middle name. Its Courtney BTW. Dad says something about you can’t give him a girls name. She came back with something along the lines of “the hell I can’t, I carried this child and made them”
Another perspective. Does he want to fate YOUR ALL’S CHILD to live in the shadow of his previously romantic partner’s existence?
Because she’s going to find out. Like fating rhis child to bring up all his feelings for his ex every time he calls her name? Not to mention that she died in such a way. Too mich ick and bad juju personally
Middle names are a great alternative.
My childhood friend helped me through a really rough experience, she passed away due to CF.
I asked her family if I could give my child her name as a one of her middle names, they were so excited and teary eyed.
The cultural identity is also a big thing. Especially if your community isn’t entirely diverse in that perspective
Hell no.
Ah no way. No nicknames, no middle names.
Tell him when you have a son, you want to name him after your dead ex boyfriend. I want to see how he feels about that
We love who we love. He married you because she passed. That does NOT mean he loves you less and loves her more. The timing of it ending was too soon for him, as it would be for anyone. That being said, immediately no on any name first middle or otherwise. Just no.
Op don’t name your child after his deceased gf it’s not fair to you or her. She deserved a name that doesn’t bring up sad memories or feelings and it’s not fair for your partner to even suggest it. NO just No🙏🏻🫶🫂
I would slow the relationship down. He’s not over her or done grieving. Making the birth of your new child, with your new girlfriend- all about your past girlfriend who died- just creepy. Look, I’ve had old, long term relationships w ppl who have passed- it suck’s. There is no closure. No ending. But his new child shouldn’t be tied to his old gf. She should represent her own being- not his gf. She shouldn’t have to carry the weight of that burden. What happens if every time he looks at her or says her name- it becomes too much? Too painful? What happens if you have more and they aren’t treated the same because they don’t represent her? Sounds like you guys jumped into this way too fast & he has a lot of work to do. You shouldn’t be living in her shadow. Yes, it’s sad & it hurts but he needs to move on
Naming your child after his ex is basically a lifetime reminder that he will carry his ex with him. That is f**ked up in my opinion, and hugely disrespectful towards you.
The fact that he proposed naming your first child entirely after his late girlfriend reveals more than just sentimentality. It suggests a troubling lack of emotional boundaries and an inability (or refusal) to fully transition his past relationship into memory, where it belongs. At best, it’s tone-deaf and self-absorbed…at worst, it’s a quiet admission that he is still idealizing and emotionally cohabiting with a ghost while expecting you to live with the consequences.
This isn’t just obliviousness; it’s a combination of emotional displacement (projecting unresolved grief into your family’s future), romantic fixation (clinging to a fantasy instead of the present), and empathic blindness (failing to consider how carrying another woman’s name would burden you and your daughter). The absence of shame or hesitation in suggesting it underscores not devotion, but a deficit of self-awareness and partner-centered empathy.
In other words: his behavior isn’t simply “callous.” It’s an unhealthy mix of grief idealization, romanticized necromancy, and a failure to fully commit his emotional loyalty to you.
This baby is you and him. Not about some long lost love
That’s totally unacceptable.
So he doesn’t want to forget her by commemorating her into his own daughter?!
That’s not fair to you nor your daughter, and honestly bizarre to have to explain to curious people who will ask why that name.
Your husband should find another way to honor her that doesn’t involve you or your children.