I’m military and already have an appointment to see professional help. I am looking for help on things that have worked for recovering (?) narcissists. I bought books, and have a journal to write in that was recommended by my pastor.
Problem is, I can’t stop texting my wife to tell her how sorry I am. Now that I am self aware of what I have done. I feel I can’t apologize enough. Which I’m reading is exactly what a narcissist would do. While I work on my issues, how can I limit traumatizing my wife while I’m deployed abroad currently?
Thank you for any help y’all can provide.
Comments
If you’re on deployment, give her that space.
Yes, Narcissists are more concerned with how situations affect them – even if they caused the situation. If you caused hurt to your wife and she’s asking for space, by disregarding her request you are hurting her more.
How do you stop? If you literally don’t have control over your body that’s a different problem than narcissism. When you have your appointment you should ask them about that also.
Stop texting her for starters. Let her have the control and space to proceed and process everything.
Let the divorce move along too. Do not try to delay or pause it. It won’t win your wife’s brownies points.
Just leave her alone man. She’s not your partner anymore, so, stop treating her like it. She wants to be away from you, so respect her boundaries.
The best apology is changed behaviour. And that’s going to take time, a lot of time. Stay in therapy, for you. Not for her but for yourself and your potential future relationships
Give her space , work on yourself , try to consciously do things for betterment of others which are of no actual benefit for you for example ( help someone in need if u can , but keep that to yourself , no need to tell it to that person or others ) . It’s good that you are aware , recognise and do whatever but see to it that you have respected people’s space , boundaries , you do your own work , not manipulate people for it and the simplest is form a locus of responsibility within self , narcissists have a tendency to externalise their situation like blame it on others and justify there behaviour , so if you make your behaviour your own responsibility then it’s the best thing . Plus I have experienced them to have a need for excessive need for external validation , attention seeking to the point that they need to compare and compete on smallest trivial things and drag others with that energy . And please try to understand empathy , situational awareness . For example narcissistic people will be so nice till they have work with you , and the moment it’s done , their energy shifts , so try to be yourself and avoid manipulating your own demeanor for situations . Be authentic with yourself and people , it’s a long journey but remember only 2 things “ locus of responsibility within self “ empathy , validation of other people’s feeling and choices “, it’s achievable .and self love , forgive yourself . I may be harsh in words but even if one narcissist changes himself for better , many people would be at ease simultaneously. All the best
hey man. remember, you weren’t aware of this before.
you dont need to keep apologising for something you had no idea about. once is enough.
its natural to feel remorseful – that shows you are understanding yourself deeper, that’s good.
your ‘narcissistic toxic ways’ were just behaviours that at some point in your life protected you.
so here’s what you can do…
operation better-me
own it, yeah you are human, we fu** it up. but its what we do after that counts.
give your wife room to breathe.
but more importantly – you should take time to do the same. breathe. process it. spend time with that part of yourself that was toxic. ask, why was he toxic? what was he avoiding? where does the behaviour come from?
was it to gain validation?
was it to avoid rejection?
was it to feel in control?
your journal is your best friend in this moment, brother.
write about everything. all the ugly, painful stuff, let it all out onto the paper.
it helps, i know. i used to be narc af, self-centred, unable to admit i was wrong, ever. the whole world revolved around me, id step on people to climb the ladder etc.
what changed? i practised self-aware a lot. i went deep down the rabbit hole to understand where those behaviours came from, and why they served me.
it was all protection mechanisms, all seeking validation and approval. in a manipulative way. but i learnt it from an early age, and only after a huge shake up, did i realise i was sleepwalking through life.
journalling/writing/meditation helped me a ton
so my man, treat this as a blessing. in pain, there is power. it just takes some time to find it.
you aren’t broken. you just got wounded and never learned how to heal.
and you will. keep going.
starting taking magic mushrooms
You’ve told her you’re sorry. You are taking steps to get better.
When you are texting her repeatedly to tell her how sorry you are you are appeasing YOUR emotional turmoil. It does nothing for her and only benefits you. Which, as you say, is pretty classic.
Does the thought that you are reinforcing for her that you are self-centred not dissuade you from wanting to do it?
What some have said. A – lay off the texting and give her space to heal and think. B – dont make it about you. If you apologized and were sincere fine, you can do more later if you reconcile. C – you need empathy. Read The Art of Empathy. She needs to know you understand how she is feeling, and I mean really understand. But you need to know how to express that to her verbally. Its not just “I understand this or that” because you dont. Not yet. When you are with her or even on text exchanges just listen. You can try to repeat things back like “what I heard you say was I hurt you by, or made you feel X” to see if youre really getting it.
I also recently discovered I have some disorders that are narcissistic. All I do is make sure I remain calm. No matter what just remain calm. That right now is my goal. I don’t want to blow up my ex’s phone. I still have moments where I will text her but it is over between us. She won’t even talk to me. So hopefully the damage isn’t done where that happens to you. Be thankful you have options available to you that you can see a therapist. I’m broke and on the verge of homelessness with no insurance and no Medicaid. I’ve been looking for a job but I have a record and no drivers license and that makes it really hard to find a job. Anyways yeah I’ve just been remaining calm and doing my best to label each disorder I have so I can label them and get them in check. I don’t think it’s something that is just gonna go away on its own but I hope and pray that I don’t hurt anymore people because of this. I never considered looking at myself it was always somebody else’s fault. I’m 52 years old and just realized all this a month ago. I wish you the best! Take care and remain calm! Peace!
Narcissistic hardly ever self reflect or are aware there’s anything wrong with them and if they did they wouldn’t admit it. I doubt you’re a narc. Look up codependency. Sometimes trauma can make you act like a narc or you could’ve dated one that gas lit you into believing you are one. Talk to your therapist about it. Shame is a big thing to deal with too. Learn the difference between shame and guilt.
Tell her what you are sorry for, versus sending blanket apology texts. Tell her how you plan to change your actions. Ask her to share with you how what you did made her feel. Empathize with it. If she still wants a divorce, you’ll at least be an improved person going forward, who took responsibility for their actions.
The simple fact that you’re not only self-aware, but seeking therapy is HUGE. My mom has NPD, and she would never! Unfortunately, this in itself is not enough, but damn is that a big first step. Try to feel pride in that, but don’t let it blow out of proportion to where you’re using that as an example to use in an argument, etc. Sadly, you might lose this relationship, but you’re putting in the work for the next one (if your wife continues with the divorce).
In the meantime, focus on you since that’s the only person you can truly work on.
Every person has narcissistic traits, it’s part of being human. Some are just higher on the spectrum than others. I’m not going to armchair diagnose you with NPD or any other disorder that’s associated with a higher level of narcissistic behaviors. I don’t even like calling people “narcissists”. It’s good that we‘ve raised more awareness & have supportive communities for helping people escape/heal from narcissistic abuse, but at the rate we’re going, everyone’s going to have their own personal “narcissist”. You don’t need to identify as a stigmatized label to become a better version of you. Self-accountability is actually empowering, if you look at it from the right perspective. For some people, but not everyone, shame plays a large role in the root of their narcissistic behaviors. If the only advice you’re getting from certain spaces is laced with intense criticism/shame and little advice on how to change, it may be counterproductive. You need to learn how to reframe your thoughts, alter the responses you have to uncomfortable thoughts/feelings/shame, unlearn unhealthy patterns, recognize the power you have in how you perceive situations, social interactions, your relationships, the world— and yourself. Depending on others for emotional regulation is only going to delay your self-improvement, and likely hurt your loved ones.
You need to recognize that apologizing to your wife over and over isn’t for her, it’s for you. Learn that the impact of your actions matters more than your intentions, this can help with learning self-accountability. I’ve hurt the people I love even when I had good intentions. And even my abusers have hurt me, countless times, when I know they had good intentions. But good intentions does not justify our behavior, it does not justify abusing someone, or justify tolerating abuse from our loved ones. You have to become comfortable with sitting with your shame for a moment. Uncomfortable feelings are part of life, they’re inevitable.
Love, acceptance, connection, a sense of community, support— all of these are basic human needs. There’s no shame in needing these or seeking them out. But we’re not entitled to it from any specific person. Understand that boundaries are to control ourselves, not others. If we tell someone a boundary and they don’t respect it, and then we act out and perceive ourselves as a victim in response— then that was a rule, not a boundary. With people that don’t have the capacity to respect our boundaries (which could be for a variety of reasons), we should disengage, reduce how much time we spend with that person, or cut them off all together. Of course, this is trickier to navigate with family or people we’re deeply attached to, or work/coworkers.
Google “intermittent reinforcement”, (aka “trauma bonding”), this may help you with understanding your wife or yourself in some ways. Intermittent reinforcement plays a large role in why so many people take multiple attempts to end a toxic/abusive relationship.
There’s a group for r/NPD but I don’t know if they welcome people who haven’t been formally diagnosed. For all we know, you may not meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD anyways. Look into BPD also. If you have access to a library, they probably have a copy of the DSM-5, it lists the criteria for mental disorders but the chapters are also very informative.
In the meantime, look up content for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) & DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). There’s content on YouTube, groups on Facebook & Reddit, books, workbooks.
You’ve made more than one post about this on different subs over the course of multiple days. You’ve gotten lots of great answers. I hope you actually listen to what everyone is telling you.
Just. Stop. Texting. You’ve caused enough harm. You’re hurting her more with this behavior. Be self aware enough to realize this and do what’s best for her instead of feed your own impulses.
The only thing to do is actually make changes. She doesn’t want lip service. You’re likely too little, too late, but showing change would be the only path if she’s remotely interested.
Who told you your are narcissist ? There is so much exploitation of this term … and do all people are narcistic to a certain degree ?
It’s interesting how people decide who is narcissist ? I will talk with ChatGPT about it … I like to argue with it on a subjects
I have this feeling that soon we will
Be hearing anxiety diagnoses are actually symptoms and we will start hearing the term O-OCD. This is essentially thought driven OCD, not the kind on old talk shows where people wash their hands raw.
I’ve been diagnosed with it recently and as the child of (multiple mental health licensed professionals opinions) a covert narcissist I can see that she has tendencies of it too. Her beliefs were so rooted in “if this happens then I can protect myself” that her mind began to bend the truth she could face to herself. It was a slippery slope. She is in her 70’s now so the fact that you are identifying YOUR actions and taking accountability means there is a chance that you just have tendencies not a solid diagnosis. My parent can’t and won’t do the work.
The thing about diagnosis’s is that they unlock methods of solutions if you put the work into it. You contacting your wife after repeatedly being asked not to is serving your anxiety about the situation. You are still feeding the beast and you can’t change if that is happening. Change doesn’t happen in comfort (this is what you’re truly seeking) it’s happens in discomfort and chaos, are you ready to experience that and not depend on others to make it easier?
It’s time to get real honest and accountable with yourself. Start journaling and asking yourself what purpose did my actions serve? Get professional help. I bet you can change. But do you believe you can and are you willing to do the work? Years of work? It’s up to you. Best of luck.
I’m gonna be honest mate , you don’t sound like a narcissist at all . You’re admitting your faults and are willing to make changes , and that’s not exactly something a narcissistic trait . I’d get therapy to question if this is really the right relationship for you , and why you feel like it’s all your fault . That doesn’t sound right OR healthy .