So, I (35M) have been married to my wife (34F) for 6 years. We have a great relationship in most ways — we laugh a lot, we’re great teammates in life, and we support each other. But when it comes to sex, things have gone… cold.
For the past year or so, we’ve only had sex maybe once a month. Every time I initiate, I get a sigh or a “not tonight.” So I stopped initiating. A few weeks ago, she noticed and asked why I hadn’t tried to have sex with her in a while.
I was honest. I told her that I was tired of feeling rejected, and I didn’t want sex unless she actually wanted it too — not just doing it out of guilt or obligation. She got quiet and said, “I don’t mind doing it for you, I know you need it.”
I told her I didn’t want sex that felt like a chore to her. That I’d rather go without than feel like she was just checking a box.
She took it badly. Said I was being dramatic and should just accept that this is how marriage works — that it’s “not always fireworks.”
Now she’s been distant and cold, saying I “shamed” her and made her feel like a bad wife for trying to give me something I needed. But I still feel like I did the right thing by being honest about what I want.
So, AITA for telling my wife I don’t want “pity sex,” even if it means less sex overall? Or am I being unreasonable for wanting more than just physical release?
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NTA. You want intimacy, not a chore. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired, not just accommodated. You set a healthy boundary — that’s not shaming, that’s respecting both of you.
NTA I understand how you’d feel if it’s not fun for both then why
NTA – she asked you answered honestly. She has no reason to be upset she brought it up.
Maybe you aren’t good at it and don’t meet her needs. Ask if there’s something she needs. A lot of men are selfish in bed, and the woman gets tired of doing it because it’s not that fun for them.
>I told her that I was tired of feeling rejected
>I didn’t want sex unless she actually wanted it too
These two things are in tension with each other. You cared enough about having more sex to address the first one. That makes it sounds like the second is not as much of a priority since you’re already complaining about a lack of sex and this boundary probably means even less. Then you emphasized that the second statement takes precedence. How is she supposed to proceed with this? How is the marriage going to work if you’re getting increasingly dejected or frustrated with rejection??
Talk with her again. Be clearer about the practicalities, and talk about what she wants too. Address what might make her want to have sex more often.
NTA. I’ve been married 15 years and most of the time me and my wife have sex it’s fireworks so I’ve no idea where your wife got that from.
ESH, but you more so. You two should have a conversation about how to make it good for both of you, but she is trying to meet your needs. All you are doing is bitching that her efforts aren’t good enough. You sound like a petulant child.
NTA. Intimacy is a big part of connecting with your partner. Who wants kitty sex from their wife let alone being told it’s just how marriage is.
She is cold because you called her out on the fact she is t interested and no one wants potty sex from their partner
This is why people seek relationships beyond the marriage. One partner is not active, phoning it in or flat out has no interest in intimacy.
This is the type of shit you hear when you have small kids and frankly it doesn’t get better.
You agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. Now she’s shaming you? 😒
NTA-but maybe it’s time for a conversation about why she doesn’t want sex. Is she overburdened with household responsibilities? Is there a medical issue? Does she not find your sex life satisfying? Is there something else in your relationship that is making her feel disconnected? You both are not not that old and haven’t been married that long. Go into the conversation with curiosity and not judgement and see if you can both figure out what’s missing or where things went off track.
Hell no your NTA! Fuck that shit. Tell her you will get it somewhere else, or move on from that situation. Basically you are just a roommate at this point.
Sounds like she’s depressed or has something else going on imo.
NTA
You communicated your feelings and now the reason she’s acting this way isn’t because you shamed her but she feels guilty about how she’s treating your sex life. And for her to say that’s just how marriage works is also an excuse.
I was in the same position….unfortunately things never changed but that’s another story.
NTA but if she used to enjoy it, maybe suggest having her hormone levels checked by her doctor. They can sometimes start messing with women early.
You’re NTA for being honest about not wanting “pity sex.” It’s important to communicate your needs in a relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy. You’re seeking a genuine connection, not just physical release. Your wife’s reaction may reflect underlying issues, but your desire for mutual desire and emotional fulfillment is valid.
Honestly, your wife sounds shady
Total Asshole: you made it only about you. It takes two to fuck.
Easy fix: Make sure your wife gets off first, ALWAYS AND EVERY TIME.
There are as many different ways to making this happen as there are women in the world. Oral, toys, etc.
No excuses guys, seriously.
Most expect getting their dick sucked but refuse to go down on their ladies?!? I don’t get it.
Probably because I make sure my lady is satisfied before me.
If you do that, I promise you, you will eventually turn down sex bc you are satisfied. And your lady will still want you bc they know they will get theirs.
Edit: I see comments about the wife being shady. I would argue she isn’t shady, but sexually unsatisfied and lacking in confidence to speak openly about it.
NTA
NTA. But I think it’s time to sit down and talk about her aversion to sex. Her behavior is troubling. You came with honesty and she claimed “that’s how marriage works”. You may want to head over to r/deadbedrooms, might be helpful.
NTA. Unfortunately though, dramatically different sex drives are one big reason marriages end and/or partners stray. If she won’t have an open honest discussion then it may not bode well for the future.
You’re definitely not alone. If she is willing to do couples of therapy, do it. If not, try your own because this can be the start of some depression issues. Good luck!
NTA. Have you heard of responsive desire? Has she?
NTA
“I don’t mind doing it for you, I know you need it” is not even she wants to have sex with you.
Sounds like, she is disappointed she won’t be able to use sex as a favor from good wife to you, if you don’t “need” it.
NTA, you didn’t shame her, she feels ashamed because she realized she’s been a bad partner (in this way). She finally realized that those advances you gave her was because you need genuine intimacy, not just a release. Idk if maybe she thought because you were a man that all you needed was to nut, patriarch and all that.
NTA. But strange that a respectful stance like “I told her I didn’t want sex that felt like a chore to her” is also seen, by the woman, as the wrong reaction.
NTA. I 100% agree. I don’t want pity sex either. I deal with this sometimes. As long as you are not doing anything spiteful or lashing out (doesn’t sound like you did in the slightest) you are fine. Being rejected alot can lead to feelings of resentment or damage your self esteem if left unchecked. Backing off on initiating is only natural to prevent these feelings from intensifying and Talking about how you felt even if it wasn’t received well was the best/healthiest course of action in my non professional opinion. Side note I hardly think it’s fair to call it dramatic to voice your feelings after being pressed for an answer when you were trying to resolve the issue passively.
What about her feelings. Sure yours matter but do hers? No you weren’t a jerk but maybe you did hurt her feelings. Shalom you’re loved 💔
>She took it badly. Said I was being dramatic and should just accept that this is how marriage works — that it’s “not always fireworks.”
This is an exceedingly selfish framing she’s giving you. She made physical intimacy look like a chore, now she’s acting put out because you’re rejecting pity sex with her? Does she…even know what she bloody wants? Because she’s making you out to be an asshole for simply not putting in energy where it’s demonstrated she finds that energy annoying.
NTA
Have you asked her why she isn’t interested in sex anymore? Is she depressed? Exhausted? That should be a bigger concern for you.
If she’s depressed but still willing then she’s trying to put your needs first.
She wasn’t trying to give you what you need and want though. Being told “I can’t wait to get you alone and have my way with you” is vastly different from, “Sure, go ahead, I’ll put up with it since you need it.”
NTA
NAH. It’s understandable that you want reciprocal intimacy. It’s great that you have voiced this need of yours. Have you asked her about her needs and if you are meeting them? Often there is a disconnect in this area where her needs not being met keeps her out of the mood for intimacy.
NTA
You handled it the way we pray all men do. You want to have sex on the condition that she wants it too. That’s the most respectful way to go about it.
She has insecurities and other issues that need to be addressed, and she’s TA for trying to make you feel like shit about wanting consensual sex instead of talking about what her problems are.
You did nothing wrong, OP. Get her to talk about what’s going on with her
Nta. Every man in a relationship would rather jerk off than have pitty sex, it’s the absolute worst. It’s a soul shattering experience when you feel they aren’t attracted to you anymore.
Every situation is different, but a new connection is needed for you two, unfortunately, it’s not something you can do on your own, she needs to actually willingly participate. This could be dates, holidays together and many, many conversations.
I hope you guys sort it all out, Good luck
YTA. I think you’re being shortsighted by not having more of a conversation with your wife about why her sex drive has changed.
There could be something physical going on, hormones, fatigue, stress, relationship dissatisfaction etc.
Instead you’re just wining about your needs. While your needs are important so are hers and obviously, there’s a disconnect somewhere with you two.
Also, there’s a difference between pit sex and what she states which was that she wants to please you. I think it’s impractical to think she should be acting like a teenager.
NTA. Of course you deserve to not feel like sex is just for you. But I do think you guys need to figure out what’s going on.
Has your wife always had a lower drive than you? Is she on any new medications or birth control? Is she going through something? Is it possible she’s asexual? Does she regularly express sexual interest in other ways? Do you explore each other’s kinks? Does she have a history of any trauma , because if that flairs it can make having sex difficult.
Do you guys have emotional intimacy too? Does she express feeling close to you, and could she possibly need that? Like do you do anything to try to keep excitement or romance going like you did in the beginning of the relationship? Does she have any regular complaints that keep coming up? I am not blaming you for what’s going on, just trying to brainstorm what could be going on in her head too.
Of course you’re NTA for saying that. But, does she show any sexual interest in anything and did she say anything more? I mean, from her side, I wonder if she’s genuinely feeling guilty that she’s not interested and wants to do it for you. It’s a super shitty situation and she didn’t say that in the right way, of course. I think you guys should try to have an open conversation about this — calm tones, facing each other, both treating it like something you’re curious about figuring out instead of resenting the other person for, if possible
Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex as you haven’t mentioned that part of any conversations?
NTA. – try marriage counseling to work through this before resentment sets in and things get outta hand.
Also, I wanna say that’s not “just how marriage works” and if she is feeling some kinda way because you were honest, she’s got some stuff of her own to work through that maybe she isn’t even being honest with herself about. Counseling may be a good option here to help with that!
NTA
Married 40 years, mostly once a week now because he is working nights. There are always ups and downs in the bedroom, but feeling rejected sucks.
NAH.
People schedule sex and make compromises.
Generally speaking, most women I know are intimate/initiate to get horny and not always horny prior to that. If you want a horny and visibly aroused prior to initiating partner: try men.
I’d have a long conversation about what you each want sexually. Be blunt. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.
Updateme!
Need way more context to be honest though. After a while in relationships both parties need to make the effort and you can’t expect sex if you have both been sat on your phones, laptops going through the motions ect. Have you made an effort to make dinner, talk and have a good evening beforehand? Get some flowers? Take a romantic stroll? Go to a hotel, go for dinner. Create a moment and don’t wait or expect it. We are all guilty of dropping the ball on effort after a while but excitement or a bit of romance goes a long way in my experience and writing this has reminded me i need to get myself into gear.
YTA
One of your needs is sex. Your wife is doing an amazing job. Does she always want to? No, but she knows you want to. So she has sex so you can bust your nut.
Be appreciative, bust your nut, buy her a designer bag, and continue your marriage and duty.
Stop being emotional.
So, I don’t think you’re the ass at all. But I see both sides because I’ve been your wife. Hormones are a bitch, life stressors are a bitch, marriage problems are a bitch…it all messes with sex drive. I totally agree with your point, no man wants to have sex with a woman who just lays there. Might as well have sex with a lifeless block of wood. On the flip side, it seems like she’s at least attempting to meet a need, even if she’s not doing it very well. Her feelings may have been hurt that her attempt (however poorly given) wasn’t acknowledged. Has she had her hormones checked? Or is she willing to address the issue at hand?
Updateme.
You communicated. I would suggest you both see a therapist because, seriously, what will happen next is you will run into another female, whether at work or wherever, and want to stray. She either has psychological and/or physical issues (hormones, medications) that are killing her libido.
So you’re not ta, but there’s probably a reason she’s reacting this way and this may be a sit-down conversation sort of thing maybe even get therapists involved. She is 36 so there’s a possibility she’s starting menopause which will lower a woman’s sex drive less hormones.
Sure there’s kind of like this biological ticking clock drive that happens and then it kind of falls off. As your body slowly starts adjusting to the hormone difference. I think it will equalize at some point but you need to make sure there’s not a deeper issue here.
Ask her why sex has become a chore for her and not want. Not to try to change her mind but to maybe heal the problem. If her problem in the marriage is she’s not being heard and that causes her to shut down then maybe listen to her more. If the problem is that she’s so tired after working and then taking care of house stuff maybe step up a little more. Just find out the reason so that you can help work on fixing it. And do it to make her happy and more fulfilled and not just to as you told her check a box.
NTAH but your wife is.
>and should just accept that this is how marriage works — that it’s “not always fireworks.
No. Nonononono! That’s not how marriage works and more like the nightmare version of marriage.
There are many happy married couples who are intimate with or without fireworks.
Another red flag is … that she asks you why you don’t initiate? Why doesn’t she? Even if she thinks it’s her duty she could go down on you or wear nice lingerie. I don’t like women who think they’re like goddesses and need to be approached or worshipped. A partnership is a two-way street not one way.
If she thinks it’s her job to pleasure you, cause you “need it” then she should get her ass from her couch and go to work.
You’re in your prime, do you really want be unhappy the next thirty years?
>We have a great relationship in most ways — we laugh a lot, we’re great teammates in life, and we support each other.
I’m sorry, but you describe a friendship not a marriage.
NTA. Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to. How is that sexy?
NTA
But it Sounds like you need to figure out why she’s not interested.
Foreplay starts before the bedroom for women.
NTA, but really, her hormones could be causing this. It could be a very early perimenopause. I wouldn’t lead with “hey I think your hormones are off balance” but if there’s a way to lead to that discussion, she would reap major benefits, not just increased libido. My wife got to the point where she would have been fine to never have sex again, but she discovered HRT and she had energy, she’s clear headed, gym rat, and her libido came back as well.
There is nothing stopping her from initiating sex. This isn’t just a man’s job to do. Women like sex also and do initiate sex all the time. Tell her to this and that she should show real interest in it. NTA
NTA. Get into couples counseling.
NTA.
I would much rather take care of myself than have sex with someone who is not interested in it.
At this point if she took that way I think she’s the one that actually needs it. NTA
NTA. She’s upset because she realises what she was doing. She didn’t think you noticed that she was just going through the motions. Pity sex is a massive turn off for most people. No one wants to think they have coerced their partner into having sex with them. People need to feel wanted and desired.
Try explaining to her that from your perspective she is only doing it out of obligation. They’ll her that this makes you feel wrong, unwanted and undesired. It also makes you feel guilty over having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have it.
As Others have suggested ask her to get hormones levels etc checked. There might be an underlying health issue. But also marriage guidance might help with an independent person helping you both understand how you are feeling.
YTA for posting AI generated slop so another bot could post more AI slop and a spam link.
Maybe her sex drive is low. There’s food to help with that
NTA, for teller her how you feel, but do you “take care of her needs” when you are together? Because if she feels like it’s something she has to “do for you”.. Every time. You are probably not doing it right…
When a man does it right. I can stay with you for WEEKS.. Just saying. And she will want to do it again.. But I know people work in different ways, and some are asexual. But please, have some thoughts about what se is getting out of your fun-times. And TALK to her, and find out why she doesn’t feel like it. To try and help her, not as an attack or blame.
Now if she tries to change , reject her
NTA.
It would be better to have said that you no longer feel the attraction you felt before – without knowing exactly why.
Lol, don’t do that.
NTA. My husband and I have seen this on both sides over our 14 years together. No one wants to have pity sex. I felt the same way as your wife when our kids were young, I thought well I’ll do it for him. But I didn’t want to and it wasn’t fun for me or him. Then last year it switched and he didn’t want to. I straight up told him I would rather not have sex at all than to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. There’s no reason she should be mad that you told her the truth. You have to be able to communicate about your wants and needs. I get how she’s feeling, but that doesn’t mean she gets to make you feel bad because you communicated with her.
I get ya 20 years and in maybe once a year I gave up because if I don’t start it she will never start.I prefer the shower stall now it ask nothing of me and doesnt complain.I do enough as man not just sit around , cook ,clean help out and take care of stuff in the house.We get along and pretty much on sink with our thinking it’s the itamacy that lacks .I am not without my own faults though.So throwing stones at her really is only small part of our issue.
Who the hell wants to have sex with someone who is not into? Definitely NTA OP.
Oh boy. OP, it’s best that your wife sees a doctor to rule out any underlying issues medically, low sex drive before counseling with a sex therapist.
Yes, I did say a sex therapist AFTER she has medical tests.
No you didn’t shame her. She doesn’t know that her hormone levels can go out of whack & that needs to be addressed. Her assertions about how all marriages work that way……she is majorly wrong on that score.
NTA. Your wife is absolutely full of shit. My wife and I have been married almost 17 years and we make our sex life a priority. We discuss new stuff, experiment a bit, keep it fun.
Nta BUT from the other perspective sometimes it’s nice to just have sex to feel intimate. In the past I have had struggles with people who want “bells and whistles” sex all of the time. Sometimes it’s just nice to cuddle and feel intimate and just have “boring sex”. It could be that your wife feels pressured into performative sex and just doesn’t have the energy at times.
I think just an honest chat between the two of you could work wonders finding a nice middle ground.
NTA she wanted to find out if you were getting it somewhere else.
Once again a man’s honesty and vulnerability is weaponized against him.
NTA
No
I’m going to say ESH for the poor communication on both sides
You: didn’t talk about how you were feeling about the lack of sex (meaning you denied the both of you the chance to rekindle and work together to grow stronger) and THEN when you did communicate you didn’t look for a solution with her or try to find the cause just bitterly told her you don’t want “pity sex” when it sounds like she was actually trying to have a conversation (the one you should have started) about dissatisfaction in the lack of sex that could have lead to you two fixing the problem.
Her: for not talking sooner to enable her to feel like she could also be the one starting things, and for not talking about WHY she was saying no (or doing it more constructively, or better yet communicating in the moment what she would have needed to be excited instead). Although I think her anger at yours is understandable, it’s not helpful so it would have been nice if she addressed your seeming rebuke to her trying to fix things as a team instead of the nature “well fine then” response she seems to have had.
NTA – You definitely did the right thing by telling the truth. But both of you should have communicated right away before things escalated to this toxic point, before “feelings” got thrown into the mix. COMMUNICATION, RESPECT, VULNERABILITY, HONESTY…all of these are key!
Bless you & best wishes 🦋
Dude, fuck off with your course! Your fake posts are just ads.
NTA. Sounds like she feels guilty because she knows you have done nothing wrong. I would still recommend opening the lines of communication again over the issuevabd try to see what can be done. She made it sound like she does not need or want sex anymore, it could be a hormonal change related to menopause for example or stress at work etc. Try to communicate about the issue and see where that leads
I dont think anyone really sucks here tbh. You didn’t “shame” her you were honest with her and I think she’s acting this way cause she’s feeling a little embarrassed.
You’re not in the wrong for saying what you did. It’s natural to want to feel wanted by your partner. But I just think you went about it in the wrong way.
My suggestion sit her down and tell her you’re sorry and that you didn’t man to criticize her. That you only meant that you don’t want to do it just to do it. And that you feel like you need reciprocation when you make love and you don’t want to make your love making into something mechanical. You actually want to connect with her on that intimate level.
Then I suggest you two have a conversation about what both of you can do to make her feel more into it and passionate. Try to see if you guys can explore different things that you’ve never tried before to spice things up. And MOST importantly be open to any suggestions or criticism she may have.
You nailed it on the head in your first paragraph OP. You guys are a team. Figure this out as a team. Good luck. NTA
We all go through this phase. Sometimes you just have to take it when you can. Yes it’s amazing when it’s given to us. And it means so much more.
Nta