It’s almost my birthday and I’m miserable

My birthdays on the 13th, I’m turning 17, and I’m dreading it. I always feel the same way, but it gets worse every year. My birthday makes me feel unwanted, unloved, and a whole bunch of grief. My mom used to put in so much effort for my birthdays. She cared so deeply, understood my interests, and reflected that with her actions. Shes been dead for nearly 8 years now (anniversary in May), and I can’t feel happy anymore. Every year I feel mountains of grief. Every year I realize how many memories I’ve lost and how it feels like I’m loosing her all over again. I can’t even remember if I called her mom, mama, or mommy. No one else in my life puts in the safe effort she did. I get a text or two, and my dad chucks 50 bucks at me. Not that I’m not grateful, I just feel unseen and unloved. I’m so tired. I hate growing up. I’m not ready to be an adult. I can hardly handle being a kid.