I really appreciate anyone who does take their time to read this. It is quite long, so i’d understand if you can’t respond to this one. It is quite unorganized as well, so i’ll try my best to align things, and by adding different tabs.
My ex and I went our own ways a year ago. Although it has been more than a year i miss her madly, just as if it had happened last week. I had tried moving on, and i thought i was doing great at first until i started to dream about her, and one night let to another one. Just recently i started to notice small things around my day where things reminded me of her. I was walking around school and somehow i got her aroma just passing by, gushing in the wind. We had been together for 5 years, im currently 24 and she’s 25 now. I was beginning to look for rings around the same time when things came to an end, although i wasn’t financially stable yet (lol); i knew i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.
Background:
Freshman year of college i met her in a Biology class, we became friends for about a year and from the beginning that’s all i had ever seen her and her as well. We didn’t plan on anything to be together. After a specific semester we just randomly stopped talking and we didn’t talk anymore. I loved playing the piano, and there were these public pianos at our campus and i was using one when we ran into each other and we reconnected. Covid happened weeks after, but we shared each others info and eventually started dating over the lockdown. I had gotten to know her and she had gotten to know me too, we enjoyed each others company so we jumped into this amazing relationship. She was gentle, patient, reassuring, and she knew exactly what to say whenever i wasn’t at my best. She was and is still the most beautiful person i’ve ever met. This relationship was simply perfect, we hardly ever argued and when we did it was mostly just banter. I could go on and on about her and the relationship.
What happened:
From the beginning, even as friends we didn’t ever think kids were going to be something of our life’s. She didn’t want to have kids, and i didn’t either. We both had the same views on them. For the next 5 years that’s how it always was, just the two of us. I lived in a very small cubic home with a family of 5 for well over 16+ years, and we never had the possibility of having any guest around the house since it was too small. A few weeks before we had gone our separate ways I was able to get my family and myself out of that place, and that’s when our family and friends were able to start coming around. Our uncle was going to be out of town for a few days (i think it was 3), so we agreed on taking care of their small children. I had thought my thoughts on kids had changed after taking care of them for a few days (How i was completely wrong: Explained later) It had seemed that having kids wasn’t a bad idea anymore. So i told my Ex about it and she was really upset, and things ended on horrible terms. She didn’t want to meet up, have a phone call, but to just text. So our 5 year relationship ended through a text. It was really upsetting, but i understand now why she preferred that way. A few days later i found out she made a reddit post on me in which i found because it came out as a suggestion and it was trending (we’d also share reddit posts). There were some hurtful comments from a few redditors, but i can’t say i can’t disagree. If i can recall it was in the channel of something “childfree”. Oh how i hurt her. How i hurt us.
During summer after a few months since the breakup we were going to take care of my cousins once again for the entirety of summer. (Being in that new home had allowed for that possibility). I found out way too late i was still right since the beginning, I never wanted to have kids! Although they were not mine, they felt like mine. I was tired all the time. I have two jobs, and i couldn’t ever rest. The money i’d make was barely enough to make rent, and most of my leftovers were spent on them for food. They’d leave a mess of sticky surfaces, clothing, and food crumbs. One of them had dropped my computer by accident. I forgave them; but that was still a $1,500 computer. It made me remember what we first thought of kids, and it were these sort of things(and more).
I feel like a horrible person for jumping into that comment which led to the end of the relationship, before analyzing it deeper again. I wake up every day thinking where we could’ve been right now constantly. I’ve thought of reaching out, but i feel to guilty and nervous towards the outcome. I’m unsure although if i can live without ever truly knowing if we’d be able to reconnect again if i don’t try. I am a new person after almost a year has gone by. I don’t want kids in my life, i would be over the moon with just us two… as we planned. I miss you, precious.
What am i supposed to do now? would it be wrong if i reached out? I’m sure a year has changed her much as it has changed me, maybe even more. I’m unsure although i can live not knowing.
TLDR: I told my ex i wanted kids, after agreeing on not wanting them in the first place. I betrayed her. Months later i was right from the beginning, i don’t want kids to be a part of my life.