Its been almost a year since my breakup…and still feel stuck. I will tell my story
Iam 28M, civil engineering graduate, 2 years ago I quit my job to prepare for government exams,not just for myself but for the future i imagined with someone i loved deeply
We were in a relationship for nearly 10 years, from our school days. We grew up together, shared our dreams and stood by each other . But last year , due to many reasons our relationship began to crumble. She left me when i need her the most.
Since then i have been mostly at home for one year. Tried to keep studying, thinking may be if i succeed in my exams, at least that part of life would make sense. But that didn’t work out either. Now i had come to a stage in which i want to completely rebuild my career from 0. I felt like i lost both the person i loved and my career
During my break up journey , i tried to heal myself by doing some spiritual stuffs and it had helped me in early stages . Many close friends also helped me. Around the mid of this one year , I actually thought i was healing, but for the past two months, the pain is back again, memories are back . Can i fully heal from this , experienced men out there please tell me honestly can we fully healed? Iam scared that this wound will hunt me. Iam scared i wont ever find someone loyal. I gave everything in that relationship- time, energy, love – and still ended up alone . Now even the thought of trusting someone again feels risky.
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/Soulrevive’s post (if available):
Its been almost a year since my breakup…and still feel stuck. I will tell my story
Iam 28M, civil engineering graduate, 2 years ago I quit my job to prepare for government exams,not just for myself but for the future i imagined with someone i loved deeply
We were in a relationship for nearly 10 years, from our school days. We grew up together, shared our dreams and stood by each other . But last year , due to many reasons our relationship began to crumble. She left me when i need her the most.
Since then i have been mostly at home for one year. Tried to keep studying, thinking may be if i succeed in my exams, at least that part of life would make sense. But that didn’t work out either. Now i had come to a stage in which i want to completely rebuild my career from 0. I felt like i lost both the person i loved and my career
During my break up journey , i tried to heal myself by doing some spiritual stuffs and it had helped me in early stages . Many close friends also helped me. Around the mid of this one year , I actually thought i was healing, but for the past two months, the pain is back again, memories are back . Can i fully heal from this , experienced men out there please tell me honestly can we fully healed? Iam scared that this wound will hunt me. Iam scared i wont ever find someone loyal. I gave everything in that relationship- time, energy, love – and still ended up alone . Now even the thought of trusting someone again feels risky.
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From a divorced man of 3 years.
I was married and with the same woman for over 12 years. We have two children.
You will heal from this I can assure you. I was once in the position where you are, I still can have those days but they are much rarer and usually more the loss of future and family unit than her.
It isn’t easy but most growth is painful. Accept this and be free. It sounds like you have a bright future. Don’t throw it away by thinking about someone who didn’t see your value.
You’re going to be ok. Time,self improvement and sitting in the pain when needed will help you. Get out there and live your life.
Not much consolation but in my experience it was about four years for me to get over the longing for my first love and after eight years I don’t feel anything for her anymore. All I can say is with healthy distraction and therapy if necessary, it gets easier.
The only thing I had no hope for was getting back into the dating pool with how shitty modern society has made it. I did however find a diamond in the ruff so it’s not totally hopeless, just slim chances.
The important part for me in therapy was having someone I could vent BUT also had some constructive feedback and would ask me good thought provoking questions to help me process my feelings.
Now I did go to therapy for an abusive childhood as well as mental health reasons but you can go to therapy for any reason. It helped me and it’s worth giving a try if it ever feels like you ran out of options. If you do go, try to research the bios of the therapists in your area and see if you can find a therapist with a style that appeals to you. I absolutely do not recommend Betterhelp. I can answer any questions in my DM.
>Will i even truly heal
Not if you dont change your mind about relationships and life.
>at least that part of life would make sense
You were making the foundation of your life a relationship. That’s not how it goes outside of movies and stories of “the old times” – I’d say this might be worth rethinking. The foundation on which ones life is built should be FIRMLY within your field of influence and the decisions of someone else being in your life is NOT in that field.
> I gave everything in that relationship
Giving everything is not what it takes though. Thats just again pathos for Romcoms and cheesy stories. It takes THE RIGHT things to build and maintain a relationship. And even then like I said before it is not 100% up to you that this things keeps on going, the other person is a free and must be a willing participant, making the choice to stay each day again.
>Now even the thought of trusting someone again feels risky.
It always was. That’s just like investing in real estate in 2006. Tons of people didn’t THINK it was risky and then found it out it is. Many people THOUGHT its not risky visiting the Ariana Grande concert in Manchester – turned out it wasn’t safe. Basically all people THINK (and vow) for their marriage to last until death does part them. People also THINK it is safe to go out on the street because they speculate that all traffic participants and people riding on the trains with them are aware of their surroundings and aren’t out to do harm.
THINKING something is some way does not equate something BEING a certain way in reality. I think this whole thing will take time, the more you learn from it and the closer you align with the reality of modern relationships the easier it will be to move on from this. And yes, its likely that with the kind of history you had with that woman a scar of sort may remain. Doesn’t mean you have to be defined by it. Take your time, keep on moving and don’t avoid the uncomfortable truths.
A relationship or its phases should be stored in some form and kept locked till you are ready to face them. For me writing the entire incidents and storing my emotions in a track has really helped.
Hear me out .
I wrote excessively, it came from the heart. At times she also commented but eventually I learnt how to live with it. I stored the emotions of our break up in Kitni Baatein – Lakshya, of the fact I left her in Hafiz Khuda – Tasveer 8×10 and incidents in other songs . Like for example on time during a school trip she looked at me as I was leading a team from a distance and was listening to Kabhi Shaam Dhale – Sur. I’ve overheard these tracks and have memories stored but from my mind they have been abandoned.
Now I control these emotions only if I physically hear these songs. And if they play on a radio it’s a sweet reminiscent of a good time.
In a nutshell take the emotion out of your mind and pour it in a song / note / movie and move ahead. It’s not easy but you need to take the first step.
It isn’t about her. It’s about accepting truths about yourself.
Someone can be with you that long and then it can still end.
That reality is what hurts and you need to process that truth. You need to accept that, you don’t need to “get over” her. You need to get over THAT. You need to stop tying your self-worth to what happened.
Once you process it… You will be able to go into your next relationship with that acceptance and it won’t hurt again.
But sadly… You also won’t be giving as much of yourself because you will know reality and not the dream you originally believed.
But it won’t hurt anymore.
I once read it took 6 months to get over every year together. So if you were together 10 years, whilst the pain will lessen over time, it can take up to 5 years to be fully through it.
You understandably want to remove her from your thoughts. But what you need to do is actually absorb her. Accept that she’s been part of your story and right now she’s offscreen.
Maybe I’m weird, but to me, it helps to do the opposite of what most other people do when they break up: most people throw everything away, delete that person from existence until they find themselves not thinking about them literally anymore.
Of course, I don’t want to be miserable and drown in self pity and memorabilia, but I still choose to accept and remember the positive parts of those persons I cared so much about, because that also helps me remember the good things I did to/with them, the positive impact these people have had on me, but also, the reason why we actually ended up not working out in the end even if that positive kernel was there.
And I’ve been through shit.
But why bring more sadness and anger into this world than necessary? Be confident in your ability to learn from this experience and rebuild from scratch something better. You should almost be excited, man.
Holding on makes you relive it and reinjure yourself over and over. Letting go is freedom and allows you to become the next version of yourself. There’s a season to everything. You are no longer that teenager.
It’s up to you if you “truly heal”. Most everyone I’ve met does but the time it takes depends on you.
Yes but the time it takes differs for everyone. You will never be the same person as you where with her, but you’ll be a new and hopefully better version of yourself, here are a few things you can do to speed up the process.
Trigger growth, examples:
Go traveling , especially abroad if you have the means to. See new places and meet new people
Move to a new town/city
Start a new hobby, learn one or multiple new skills
Have new sexual experiences with new people
Start a new job or a new business,alternatively get a side hussle of some sort
Set goals for yourself focus on growing your money or muscles
New examples for hobbies could be:
Buy an old/vintage retro car and restore it during your free time
Get a pet dog , train it in obidience/agility or hunting (dogs are also good for making new friends at the dog park)
Join a team of hunters and learn how to hunt
Do some light carpentry like building furniture on your spair time
These are just some of the things you can do. And don’t beat yourself up if you can only do one thing in the right direction right now. Baby steps are also steps and a little is better than nothing at all.
My ex wife and I got together at 16 and divorced at 33. We have three kids.
It wasn’t just loss I experienced, but various betrayals along multiple different avenues.
It took me a couple of years before I stopped having nights where I couldn’t sleep from leftover hurt and anger. It wasn’t a straight path to less and less each day, it was a gradual descent with many ups and downs.
But, I have healed and no longer suffer in the way that I did.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing what you know you have to do, and you’ll make it just fine. You’re still younger than most guys when they first think about settling down, so don’t worry. There’s plenty of time for you to recover. Really, it’s only been a year, for a 10 year relationship that you had wrapped up your whole vision of your future in. You need time to mourn that.
I will also point out that you don’t need a partner to be happy, either. People put so much stock in that idea, that’s why it’s so devastating when it doesn’t work out. Learn to enjoy your life alone, and you’ll be in a much better position to find someone to enjoy life with together afterward, because the prospect of losing them wouldn’t be cataclysmic and you can relax and not worry as much about having to trust them with everything.
It definitely gets better but it takes time and active effort to avoid choosing the hurt.
Sometimes I would catch myself leaning into it when I could’ve changed the subject and not let it linger.
It’s only been a year dude. You were together 10.
Yes, you will. But you sort of have to want it. If you’ve not already done so, go no contact. No creeping on her IG or FB, nor pictures you took of her. Those things can trigger that longing.
Also, when you said “due to many reasons” – note them. If it’s something you did that you can easily own up to and look at fixing, to so. But it has to be something you can work on, vs something you’d think fixing would get her back.
One thing I’ve learned is to not give too much up when entering a relationship. Don’t give up on your friends, job, hobbies – keep all of that. Incorporate the new person in.
Yes you can. You need to process your grief. Talk to a therapist to help you recover.