Reworded title bc im dumb.
It may bring up trauma but ill meet new people and, during conversation, it is mentioned that their son, daughter, wife, husband, whatever has died years ago or just recently.
Usually I just ignore it, go quiet or whatever, wait for them to continue talking but recently ive started asking for details.
Do people want to be asked? Should i share deaths in my family to relate to them?
Most of the time it seems that information isnt even relevant.
I dont really know how to continue the conversation so me being curious usually asks how they died. Havent been told its rude by the person but seems to be inconsiderate by most.
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Why do you need to know?
They’ve either gone through the grieving process and you’re bringing up potentially painful things unnecessarily, or they haven’t gotten over it and you’re bringing up potentially painful things unnecessarily.
You seem to acknowledge those aren’t relevant details to the conversation, so why bring up something that might be painful/sad and at the same time potentially make you come off as nosey even if your intentions are good. Risky on both ends.
Yes it absolutely fucking is
In my experience, it’s all about how relevant the COD was to the conversation. I feel very cathartic when I talk about my grandma because she was a deceptively tough old lady. Not outwardly, but her resilience was inspiring. My mum, however, has been having a mental breakdown for basically the whole 2 years she’s been gone, and she’s very not the person to ask unless you want a long-winded rant about how doctors are just propaganda pushers and se× is “the cure for all ailments” and that’s why marriage and abortion are so gate-kept. People are unpredictable af when dealing with heavy grief.
That is insanely rude, especially because you don’t know how they passed away. There is always the chance it was murder, suicide, etc. That’s not something people want to talk about with someone to sate their curiosity. You can give condolences and ask if they would like to talk about it, and that’s really about it. Leave it alone if they say no.
It is bad form to ask how they died, i’ve witnessed it being done and cringed inside.
I get where you’re coming from with not knowing how to respond, i felt this way when i was younger and did the same. Just use a cookie cutter response of “im really sorry to hear it”. Sounds like you may not have lost someone personally. For very basic small-talk to avoid awkwardness and move the conversation on you could share that you haven’t personally lost someone close yet but are dreading how to manage it, its subtly bats the conversation back to them to progress the convo whilst appearing empathetic in spite of your limited experience.
You’ll find people that have lost people close to them already will have a natural empathy from personal experience and handle these conversations more smoothly.
I don’t find it rude.
If you had a relationship with the person, why wouldn’t you want to know?
If someone doesn’t really know the person and is asking out of morbid curiosity, they don’t really need to know. But I don’t find it rude.