For the past month or so, I’d been casually hooking up with a musician who would play his guitar every time I was there. While I absolutely love music and spend most of my day already enjoying music, I have sensory issues and if I’m experiencing a sensation for a bit too long, it becomes extremely painful. The other day, he was playing his guitar and played an individual note for an extended period of time. After about 15 seconds, I felt a sharp pain and almost verbatim said, “I really enjoy listening to you play but when you hold one note for a long time, it hurts me.” He hit me with a “I’m TUNING. You’re not gonna tell me I can’t tune in my own home.” The only reason I didn’t leave in that moment is because I made a DoorDash order and it was too late to change the delivery details. The rest of the night was okay.
We had a similar issue once before where his playing overstimulated me and I tried to address it by asking him if he would momentarily stop playing because I was in pain and needed to regulate. He immediately got defensive and played the chord that overstimulated me again. We had a conversation later about what happened and he shared that he felt like I was attacking him as a person by telling him to stop playing. I brought up that when I’ve done something to him that overstimulated him, I immediately stopped what I was doing, checked in, and adjusted as needed. He said he understood my point, so I thought it was resolved.
Tell me how when we discussed the 2nd occurrence in the morning, this motherfucker proceeds to tell me that I can’t expect the world to cater to my sensory issues. I said “I don’t expect the world to cater to my sensory issues, but I do expect the person who I let inside of me to consider them”. He doubled down and reiterated that I can’t tell him what to do in his own home and then shut down entirely. He has trauma regarding relational conflict so I asked him if he was okay, and this dude goes “I don’t want to deal with this”. Lmao HEARD. So I got up, declared I’m leaving and got my bag. He goes “are you mad?”
No, I’m delighted to be disrespected by someone whose cum I just swallowed for the first time like six hours ago.
I said “yep, bye” and walked out while he stayed in his bed.
Bro slept heavenly post-nut and decided that he’s fine with sleep apnea for the rest of his life by being a cunt at 6am.
Comments
now I don’t want to be that girl
but are you gonna show up again next week?
because if you keep fcking him… then it’s you allowing him to treat you like this.
leaving mad once isn’t enough. this guy doesn’t care about you. I hope when you left you really LEFT.
I kept going back to basically this guys twin. so I’m just saying. it won’t change over time.
You shouldn’t have to play a note that long to tune it… lol
Don’t look back.
Your line “I don’t expect the world to cater to my sensory issues, but I do expect the person who I let inside of me to consider them.” hits hard. I wish more partners could have that empathy.
People refuse to listen because listening requires accepting that your behavior might hurt someone, you may need to adjust your actions even when it’s inconvenient, and most importantly it requires emotional maturity to not make someone else’s pain about your own ego.
The absolute kicker being that he’s comfortable enough to sleep soundly after being emotionally negligent. It goes beyond being inconsiderate, and is probably closer to dehumanizing.
I know the end goal of dating isn’t to “get a husband” or like not everyone wants to get married etc. but when I started saying no to men, at jobs, and just stopped being a people pleaser in general. My life took off.
My husband was an absolute slut. He got away with some pretty disrespectful behavior. To be clear one of the reasons why I was so into him was cuz he was so clear and explicit about consent, it was super sexy, so his behavior was never harmful. He was just an ass and got away with it cuz he was/is hot and successful.
One day we were a few months into dating and it was getting time to have the “what are we” convo. I’m nervous af.
1st bullshit he pulled was being flakey about the time. He said he could “squeeze me in” but wanted to go out with his friends later.
2nd offense, he TOLD me to meet him at this shitty bar that we both know was two doors down from his apartment and was super low effort of him.
3rd offense, he was 45 min late, mind you this bar was on the same block of his apartment.
Where I lost my mind was when he strolled in with MULTIPLE hickeys on his neck, sauntered up to me at the bar and said “sup”.
The bartender who was feeding me wine and hyping me up for our convo BOUNCED when he saw me slam my wine glass on the bar and say “SUP!?!!! SUP?!!!? DA FUCK YOU MEAN SUP?!!?”
I read him the riot act. I said while we aren’t exclusive, it’s disrespectful af to flaunt that. Don’t come and see me with fresh hickeys. I said that he needed to be respectful of my time and the effort I put in to see him. I said I was way too pretty and way too smart to deal with his little games (obv
no one should but I was on a roll).
I was getting ready to walk out and make him pay my bill when he touched my hand, looked me straight in the eyes and apologized. I was honestly shocked cuz I wasn’t expecting that. I did not have a game plan, I was expecting to storm out. But I didn’t, he sat down with me, we talked about where we were at. He pushed his friends back and took me to a fancy vegan restaurant.
Almost 5 years later we are married and have a really strong and healthy relationship. He said that me losing it on him made him realize he was actually scared I would stop seeing him. He realized he had to take me seriously.
Seeing the reaction I had on a pretty large guy who literally argues for a living I started saying no more in my life. Enforcing more boundaries and asking for what I wanted. And it’s improved my career. The relationships I have in my life. I’ve just really molded a life I’ve always wanted for myself cuz I can say no or ask for things.
Yes it’s absolutely okay. And it’s okay to not go back.
Especially since the sensual pleasure of sex was ruined by pain you felt after due to his tuning his guitar. The main reason people hook up is because they achieve enjoyment and relaxation from the experience. It sounds like you didn’t get to keep those feelings.
This guy is a jerk but even if he weren’t he does not sound like a good match.
I love seeing a music performance.
I absolutely hate seeing someone practice the same tune over and over. Its very very painful. Music practice needs to happen in a separate room with good sound insulation.
So once he says “in my own home” he’s reminding you he’s not sharing his space with you and you’ve served your purpose in it.
Never ASK a man who is sleeping with you to be considerate. He should be on his toes, eager to make you comfortable. It’s called good HOSPITALITY. It’s the least he can do for your attention. If not, he can hit up his other options.
Insufferable wimps. So unattractive.
I say this as a musician myself– musicians are the fucking WORST. 😭💀😂 I could NEVER date a musician hahahaha
Sounds eerily similar to someone I know very well, almost close enough to be the same person. Good choice to leave, staying certainly isn’t worth the headache that kind of person would bring you.
It is okay to leave for any reason, any time. You don’t have to justify it.
This is him telling you over and over again that he a) takes everything as an insult and deflects it b) does not care enough of you to stop things that hurt you c) is showing MULTIPLE HUGE RED FLAGS.
A normal person does not take it in a “you can’t tell me what to do” kind of way. He is telling you that he WILL NOT COMPROMISE WITH YOU ON ANYTHING OUT OF PRINCIPLE.
RUN!
Gosh, so good to be rid of that. Definitely swallow someone’s cum, but someone who is a sweetie and who appreciates every part of you. 🩷
It’s ok to leave if you feel like leaving, period. You don’t need any kind of excuse to end a relationship.
Why was he playing guitar with a date there? I used to take lessons, instrument practice is an annoying, repetitive process that takes a lot of focus. I wouldn’t want to spend a whole date listening to a hook-up practice, only stopping when we have sex. At least watch a movie with me or something, if I’m going to stay.
>I was attacking him as a person by telling him to stop playing
Oh, he’s that guy.
So, here’s the thing. People who play guitar are fine.. “guitar guys” aren’t. People who smoke weed are fine.. “potheads” aren’t. People who run are fine.. “marathon people” suck.
Anyone who makes ‘one thing’ their whole existence/personality is pretty much gonna be an insufferable asshole, and it really doesn’t matter specifically what the one thing is.