No, I’m not click baiting you in anyway. Ever since my family got me my first phone when I was 9, I’ve been hooked on pornography. I haven’t told my family or friends about my problem in anyway shape or form. I’ve kept this secret with me my entire life, thinking that I might get better as I’ve grown older, but sadly that’s not the case. I watch it practically every other day now, sometimes up to 4 times a day. I’ve rarely ever watched a video without doing the deed; I’ve been simultaneously addicted to masturbation for 10 years now as well.
I’m 19 years old, and I graduated high school about a year ago now. I started when I began 5th grade in 2016; one of my friends had told me about it and said that I should try it myself. Keep in mind I grew up in a town that was extremely redneck and conservative, so there were quite a few, uhh, interesting things going on in the community. I got home one day after school, went on my phone and found a porn website, and I guess my brain just figured out how to do the rest.
I didn’t really do it much after that first time for a year or so, but once I had gotten to 6th or 7th grade, my GOD I didn’t really have a limit for myself at that point. Ever since middle school I’ve been consistently hooked on the crap, and I don’t really know how to stop myself. I’ve had moments in high school where I went for about a month to really stop myself, and it seemed like I could quit it for a sliver of a moment each time. But after 5 weeks or so, something would turn on in my brain where I just absolutely NEEDED to get it out of my system.
Idk what to do at this point. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last August, and I feel like a large part of why I have it is due to my addiction. I have severe insomnia nowadays, I can’t find a job anywhere in my area, I have pretty bad acne, and I just feel like a burden to my family, even if they don’t think me as such. I feel like so much of the problems in my life now are because of my addiction; I can barely go a week without leeching back to it. I’m scared to even quit it, just cause I don’t really believe that’ll solve most of my problems. It’s the only constant in my life now. I’ve hidden it so well for years at this point, and I was perfectly fine going through day-to-day life, but now I just feel so empty inside.
The love of my life dumped me 3 months ago now, I live with my brother 50 miles away from anyone else I know, hell I don’t even have an ID or a car to my name. I’m genuinely a nobody that’s just addicted to porn, and it feels like I can’t do anything about it. I don’t have insurance, so I can’t get professional help, and I don’t have the self-care to stop myself from continuing down this rabbit hole. The easiest thing to do it seems is just jump off of a bridge and be done with this shitty life. I’m so lost. I can’t do this anymore.
Anyways, that’s my testimony I guess. You’re here to hear it first, random reader. Never try porn, and don’t give into the lustful desires. They’ll only cause you harm in the long-run.