I’ll try and keep this short. My girlfriend and I were on vacation in Mexico not too long ago, and she made a comment about my boobs in a bikini. My boobs have always been a big insecurity for me, especially after gaining some weight due to a medication i am on. She basically said my boobs were saggy. I won’t say exactly what the joke was to keep this anonymous, but it was calling my boobs saggy while I was tying my bikini. I was devastated and it’s been lingering in my head ever since. I started to cry and she immediately apologised, over and over and said it was a horrible joke and she doesn’t know why she said it. She was truly apologetic.
She has a habit of speaking without thinking. She often remarks that she has no filter. I have a hard time believing that sometimes, as she is a professional in her field and being rude to her clients would not be acceptable, so she clearly has some filter even at work.
Ever since, I have found it difficult to be intimate with her. I love her with everything in me and she is my absolute best friend. I know I haven’t painted her well but she truly is the most caring and kind person ive ever known. I am also insanely attracted to her, I just struggle to let my guard down enough to be intimate in the way that we used to be after the comment she made. Every time it happens i feel really insecure about my chest and just sort of shut down. I obviously feel guilty about this as I know she must think i’m no longer attracted to her, which couldn’t be further from reality. We still have sex but nowhere near as often and not as passionate as before. What can I do? How can I get that drive back?
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Well first it seems as if you need to decide if this comment was intentionally hurtful or not?
You say it wasn’t but you also express doubts.
If you think it did have some intent, then it would make sense as to why you are so alienated from your relationship.
You would obviously need to see her explain her intention, show some accountability, and commitment to change before you can start to trust your body with hers again.
However if you really do decide that all her actions prove to you she is not a person to speak out of mallaice… then I’m sorry to say but this is a you problem.
It sounds as if you have an issue with your body and it’s limiting your sexual liberty.
That really sucks and I’m sorry to hear it… but ultimately you have put far far far too much importance on this issue and the way you view your body is getting in the way of your self expression.
This is quite common for women. I would start doing some reading on the topic or reach out to a professional.
Your boobs won’t be the last thing you start to dislike about your body… if you stop sexually expressing everytime you see something you don’t like as you start to age, you are in for a lonely future.
it sounds like the best thing for both of your sakes is for you to explain how you’re feeling to her as you did to us just now. “i still deeply care about you and our relationship, but the comment you made about me made me validate a deep insecurity i have, so it may take some time for me to move beyond it”.
she likely said it senselessly, but you can also talk to her about how these small comments may impact you greatly, and work on building each other up together as a way to improve your comfort again.
i’d also say, i’m sure you’re being a harsh critic on yourself. comments making fun of your appearance super suck, but if you’re worried about regaining your sex drive and confidence, you have to find a way to become comfortable with yourself, yourself. a partner can only do and say so much for one’s personal insecurities (speaking from experience).
I often see problems in a relationship that people try to tackle as individuals.
You were hurt by this comment and it continues to effect you and the relationship, but you are trying to solve it on your on by asking yourself “what should I do”?
When you are a couple, you should think more in terms of “us” and try to solve relationship problems as a couple.
I don’t think there is anything wrong just putting it out there and talking about this. Maybe tell your partner you appreciate her apologizing but her boobs comment is still really effecting you.
You can simple express your fear this is impacting your intimacy and you don’t want her to think you’re less into her. You can say you don’t know what the answer is but you want to talk about and address this together.
Its ok to talk about things with your partner where you don’t know the answer or what to do and you’d like to try to figure how to get past this and regain your confidence together.
I think we let our guard down in front of those we love, I joke about my partners tummy but also about my own expanding waist (I was skinny before I moved in with him) and we know about each other’s insecurities.
I think she knows about your insecurities and let the intrusive thoughts convince her to make a joke about it. It’s not OK though, sometimes my boyfriend comes out with something a little too close to the bone but I can handle it because I know if I really try I can lose the weight.
Want to know one of my insecurities? Tiny boobs, they’re bigger now because I’m a little overweight and they’re the first thing to go when I lose it. I’ve considered surgery but I can’t be bothered going through that.
Sit down with her and have a proper conversation, what do you love about her, why do you want to be with her, why does she want to be with you, what does she love about you.
We say hurtful things but we don’t mean them