I know where it comes from. There’s a part of me that has pedantic tendencies, and it’s a part of myself that I deeply hate because I have those tendencies due to growing up with a parent who was unpredictably compulsive and particular. I had to become compulsive and particular in some ways in order to get through my childhood emotionally unscathed by him.
He never hit me, but he humiliated and embarrassed me a lot in front of my friends and in public. I moved out as early as possible in order to be away from him. Probably not the best decision, but I’ve made it all work.
Once when I was working for a college radio station, I built up enough courage to invite him to listen to one of my shows. He called me during a commercial break, and for some reason I let myself believe that he was just going to tell me that it sounded great. Instead he told me that I mispronounced the word “posthumous”. I pronounced it “post-hyoo-muss”. I was silent for a while and then I just thanked him and said I had to get back. I’m not saying that I pronounced it correctly, but my colleagues and the station director all just told me that I sounded great.
This all may seem small, and kind of like something I should just get over. I’m working on it. I’m trying to forgive both him and myself. Often it’s like I have this choir of critics and perfectionists in my head any time I’m trying to make something or solve a problem. I’ve gotten better at shutting them out over the years, but I think they’re just part of me at this point.
This is why I feel my blood boil each time I see someone correct someone for using “your” instead of “you’re”. I want to shake that person and tell them that it doesn’t matter as long as you can make sense of it, and if you don’t then it isn’t a big deal to ask for clarification and have a conversation. I feel it boil when someone gets really particular about works of fiction being unrealistic, when they were never trying to be, or when people don’t like a very good video game because they think the graphics aren’t realistic when the art style is such that they were never trying to be realistic. I know all of this seems kind of stupid, and I do think that it’s important to account for the fact that everyone just likes something different, but sometimes it’s like I see red when I hear this kind of thing, when it isn’t just an opinion on taste and it’s an actual attack on the thing being something it was never intended to be in the first place. It seems like an act of narcissism to say something like “I don’t like it, and I think it should be how I want it to be,” instead of just saying “this isn’t for me” or something similar. There are bands that I used to love that changed their style over the years into something that I didn’t really end up liking anymore, and I’m happy for them; I will always have what they used to be, and now people love them for what they are.
I’m very much ready to let go of this anger, and I think expressing it is step one.
Comments
Try to judge less and live more.
Op you use a lot of run on sentences, I think your argument would be stronger with a more succint writing style.
OK, so if I’m understanding you, because you lived with someone who was pedantic , you have an aversion and sensitivity to when you see other people being pedantic towards others. I think that’s perfectly understandable and I think that it’s huge that you recognize where this is coming from. The next step is for you to feel Compassion for those that are being grammar police or whatever, because often times it comes from a place of being made to feel small so when they are correcting someone’s grammar, they are feeling better about themselves for that millisecond. Also, sometimes they’re trying to knock a know it all down a peg which I think is healthy for the know at all sometimes! But I think if I felt as you did, I would meditate on compassion because you just really don’t know what other people are dealing with and you just gotta let the small stuff roll by you. You can’t take everything on yourself. You don’t need to feel everybody’s everything all the time. You need healthy detachment to coexist.
I wish you healing and a life free of anger.
OP, you only have so many hours on this planet. Please use them to have more fun and less angst, or whatever is going on there. And honestly, you seem pretty picky yourself. Wishing you better and happier carefree days.
Look, I get it. I really do. My dad is extremely pedantic and I am like that especially at the worst moments and hate how inaccessible and bitter it makes me seem Stuff was weaponized against you. Everyone has their shit. I think the fact that you recognize that this is an issue in your life is a great first step. Just like there’s a narrative behind how you are, people who are overly pedantic have a reason for why they are like that. I hope understanding the complexity of the human lived experience can help you work through your feeling when you come across that.
Kinda sounds like you’re starting to see the human underneath the chaos which lowkey might be scarier than just hating them lol. Empathy be creeping in when you least expect it. Happened to me with someone i swore i’d never vibe with and now we literally share snacks at work like it’s middle school. Life’s weird like that
What your father did, calling you up mid show to comment on your pronunciation, was brutal.
Having said that when I see “your” instead of “you’re” in a professional setting it does make me cringe. I don’t always correct the person. But sometimes if done in a sympathetic way, the recipient may be grateful because you’ve saved them from embarrassment.
I think people who use horrible grammar are like this. We all learned the same grammar rules and there’s no reason not to follow them. It is like people who drive horribly on the road and get pissed off when called out on it. You are taking your own issues out on other people.
How you feel makes perfect sense given your situation. Sounds like you are seeing these people as the bully you had, which they may or may not be.
Sounds like therapy would help you process what you went through. And instead of being upset with yourself about your feelings, which tends to make feelings stick around longer (and maybe you have them cause you are worried you are being like him), try accepting it.
Basically reframe it everytime. “Yep—this reminds me of my dad again. And I am getting angry because how he treated me was unjustifiable. This person is nothing like him.” Assuming that last part is true. And basically you can see how the person on the receiving end is doing. Do they look embarrassed like you would feel? If so, maybe say something to diffuse the situation, so you can essentially stand up for the “you” in the situation. As long as you think you can do that without blowing up. I’m thinking something like:
Okay everyone, calm down, it’s not that serious. (In a joking manner)
Or
That’s a super common mistake actually and I don’t think it really matters as long as you can communicate. (In a casual manner)
Or
I can tell grammar means a lot to you—but seriously, it’s not that big of a deal
Or
Okay dad/mom/teacher. (Sarcastically but with a joking attitude)
Then if they want to fight about it you can just be like. “Yeah, I have a pet peeve when people correct others without them asking for help with something. Just seems unnecessary and kind of demeaning to me.”
They’ll probably be like “I didn’t mean to be demeaning! I thought I was being helpful” and you can be like “okay, thanks for clarifying. It just always comes across as condescending to me. I’m glad that’s not what you’re trying to do.”
And then, reflect on whether that person even needed your intervention because they are NOT dealing with your dad. I also want to intervene on bullying behavior and in fact this sort of thing CAN be bullying even by people not quite as terrible as your dad.
You could also consider Radical Acceptance Therapy (ACT) or a Zen Buddhist meditation technique where you acknowledge your feeling, label it, say “hello outrage” (or whatever it is) and don’t judge yourself or it. It will go away. Feelings tend to dissipate quickly when we let them express themselves. But do it in a healthy way of course and don’t take it out on others.
EDIT: to add another idea