My baby is currently 5 months and ive had my fair share of grievances with my mil since she was born. She was pushy with visits and very passive aggressive when ever we saw her, it took me sending her a stern text after my husband was getting nowhere with her and since then she is adhering to boundaries but is sickly over nice but i can also still feel tension with both her and my FIL when we visit every 2-3 weeks.
When she was born the plan was for my mum and mil to child mind a day a week each when i go back to work and nursery the other days. Fast forward to now and with everything thats gone on i dont want either of them looking after my baby, different story but ive had to cut my mum off due to her issues with alcohol.
I just cant stand my MIL, shes a toxic woman and speaks negatively about everyone, no doubt about me now. How do i tell my husband that ive changed my mind? I know he is really keen to have her involved, he keeps suggesting she babysits so we can go out, but i just keep saying its too soon. She keeps talking about taking her to dance classes etc when she has her which annoys me even more, our daughter will do whatever she is interested in doing and it will be us as her parents that will facilitate that.
Its still another 6 months off yet but i doubt my feelings towards the woman will change. I cant wait til closer to the time though, we need to book her in for an additional day in nursery and theres a waiting list.
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tell husband straight out that you do not want MIL being alone with your child with the reasons why. be honest. when he gets upset, reiterate that MIL is not watching your child, and if you want, never have alone time. also, tell husband that MIL is never going to decide what your child will do (ie dancing lessons, etc). remind him that this is not her child.
Is your husband pushing for MIL to babysit for you or for his mom? Because if she is pressuring him for alone time and he is trying to appease her with your child as a prop for her happiness, that is enough right there. You are going to have to say, “I am not comfortable with your mother keeping our child.” You dont really have to justify or explain it, this is just your boundary / need. If you DO explain it, stick to the facts:
Your own mother is no longer an option and you don’t believe your boundaries will be respected without you present with either grandparent.
Your child will be in a nursery for the other days and it is far better for your child to have consistent care/routines than it is to let grandma have a day. Yes grandma will be sad, but its about the best interest of THE CHILD.
MIL is behaving like you are going to snap instead of having remorse for ignoring boundaries or asking questions to better understand.
At the end of the day, trust is lost and she will need to earn that back for herself during family visits before you will be comfortable with her even babysitting.
If your husband disagrees, get into couples counseling to work it out. HE FAILED TO SET BOUNDARIES WITH HIS MOTHER and forced you to step in. If she doesnt respect her own son enough to listen, why does he think she deserves this responsiblity?
MIL or no MIL, I would never let someone I don’t like babysit my child
I understand wanting to let each grandma have one day a week with their grandchild, but babies thrive on consistency and routine. My son became very cranky when he was in three different environments with three different caregivers each week. It’s best to keep your baby in nursery every day, only using your mum for emergencies.