I’m 18 now, I am about to go through a list of actions that I loathe myself over doing. When I was around 7 I remember crying because of how alone I was I was living with my grandmother because my mother was oversees and divorced I remember crying alot. When I was living with my mother and big sister at 9, I remembered taking my anger out on a kitten we owned. I did not cause any injuries of any sort but I did push it around and place it in a dresser drawer we had, though It might seem like I hated that cat I actually loved it very much I thing it angered me to look at though because it remined me of my own weakness. After moving from place to place I had sent pictures of naked self to adults online when I was 13-15 ( I don’t remember exactly how old I was but I was young), I think by doing that I thought I’d feel appreciated. From then and up untill now, I became addicted to pornography, probably to try to drown out my loneliness. The stuff I remember viewing was disturbing, nothing illegal but stuff that I could protect my weakness and anger on to (fictional rape, humiliation, and something I’m still disgusted by-loli drawings which I even viewed at my current age of 18) . I want to clarify that I would not and have not viewed any real explicit content of that nature but even the thought of what I did disgusts me because I didn’t see it as wrong at first. That’s what I hate the most, the idea that I didn’t see any of this as wrong. I’ve had thoughts of suicide back since I was turning 17 and I don’t have the willpower to keep going. Recently I have been far to aggressive with the way I speak to my mother and she doesn’t deserve that. I tried to go to college but I could not muster the will to go so I skipped out on my classes and lied to my mother. I honestly think the world would be a better place if I died. I don’t want my family to cry though. All of these actions weigh heavily on my mind, it makes me not want to try, so my room is a mess and I’m laying in my own filth. I sometimes go weeks with out brushing my teeth or showering because I think to myself “what is the point”. Back when I was in high-school I had a lot of friends and people seemed to think I was a good person. It hurt me even more knowing what scum I am though. Sorry for being so long-winded.
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You seem like you’re in an emotional rut right now, and you’re not quite sure how to get out of it.
Let’s start with your issue around porn. If you’re overconsuming and it’s starting to affect you negatively, that’s something worth paying attention to. I’d suggest seeking out a therapist.
Yes, the phrase “go see a therapist” can sound cliché—but healing often starts there. In therapy, you’re not judged or neglected for your actions. You’re given the space to be honest with yourself and start growing from where you are.
Right now, you’re doing a lot of self-reflection and starting to doubt your own worth. But let me remind you: you are enough, and you do have a purpose. Whether I know you personally or not, no innocent human being should ever feel like ending their life is the only way out.
You matter. Take control. Initiate growth.
Wow. This is heavy. You were a kid so you did dumb things. That’s what kids do. You were also brought up in an era when p@#n was easily accessible. Much more so than it should be. And it’s much more violent. Now you know what not to do in real life and in a relationship. And you know how vulnerable kids can be manipulated by perverts. Now you know how to protect your own kids from this. By far the best thing would be to get back in college, and “Find yourself”. You need to map out your goals and dreams. Just a Rough sketch of what you see your future as. 1. I see myself graduating college with a Packaging Science Degree; or a Food Science Degree…. 2. I see myself getting married 3. I see myself. Xyz…….
Take 30 minutes to Think of your fabulous future, not a dark end. Learn about “Self Forgiveness and Empathy “. Get involved in church, sports, or an activity or club. You will quickly see that the world you experienced growing up in prepared you for a future that is better, and you will be stronger for it. Life isn’t easy. And as a kid you will be exposed to many things that aren’t great. It’s how you rise above these things that will shape your future…resilience and positive thinking is way better.
This is a great talk that might help you….https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=UJaalNgWVoffwBs0
You see a bad person, whereas I see a young, very lonely and confused person who made some choices they regret. Your guilt is a testament to your good nature. I’ve done far worse in my life, but I’ve forgiven myself because I’ve changed, and so should you. Show yourself some grace.
You just sound overwhelmed. Everything you said is incredibly mild. Stop hating yourself.
Practical steps, if I were you I would cut back on the porn a little. Try get a job. Any job. It will get you out of the house and give you a sense of purpose and fulfilment (unless it’s a shit job in which case change jobs till it isn’t). Consider this a gap semester/year and go back to college within 12 months. Go see a psychiatrist, find out why you couldn’t motivate yourself to go to classes. Might be you get an answer with a quick solution like ADHD that is incredibly manageable.
Good luck. You got this.
Do you believe in God? Seek him and He’ll help you through this. You’re not alone. Therapy is also a great help.
You sound like a young person with intimacy issues and possibly depression, but I am no expert that is why you should seek professional help, even if you can’t afford it, there is a good possibility that it could be available to you.
girl get therapy
Here’s something that most adults will not openly admit. We’ve ALL done things that we’re ashamed of. Things we look back on with extreme embarrassment or cringe at. Things we would never confess to anyone. You are not alone, and it in no way diminishes your value as a human being. What helped me a lot is helping or being kind to others. Volunteer at an animal shelter or homeless shelter, put together go bags for homeless people and hand them out, raise money for a children’s hospital by shaving or coloring your hair, or do a viral ice bucket style challenge. Walk along a trail or beach and pick up litter. These types of activities get you out of the house and help you feel better by putting good things out in to the world. In time, you’ll see that you deserve good things, too. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like a friend. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
Just know that everyone has silently felt the way you’ve felt, and that you can still absolutely do some great stuff in the world.
Like some of the other commenters are saying, honestly you sound like a very thoughtful and reflective person, and it’s brave to even put yourself out here on the internet. So thank you for sharing
From what you’ve said, you’ve struggled with some difficult things as a child and didn’t know how to process them. Isolation and loneliness are so real, but who you’re seeing isn’t a bad person at all, this is a kid who had unmet needs and didn’t get the care you needed.
I agree with another comment that finding someone safe and supportive to talk with would be a good start toward healing. I don’t know your community or access but if you can find a therapist, that’s a great place to start. You can email and ask for sliding scale if you don’t have the ability to afford one right now.
By your description of struggling to maintain hygiene and even the way you’re reacting to your mom, you may be dealing with depression or another very treatable condition, and talking with a professional can be so helpful in working through everything. One other note I want to add is that sexuality is so complex, and you should look into some sex positive writing about kink. Pornography can absolutely be used, as you said, to escape the things you’re feeling. But there’s a whole world out there that involves very healthy and even healing expressions of sexuality that you’d never expect. There’s no need to feel shame here.
Anyway I just want you to know that you’re not alone, OP. It sounds like you’re in a dark spot, but please know there’s a lot to keep going for and you’re just at the beginning of a beautiful journey
Hi OP, first I want to tell you I am so sorry you’re going through all these emotions. You’re at a tough and have gone through some trauma so I can see why you’re having these feelings. Have you gone to a therapist or a psychiatrist? Both have helped my mental health immensely!
I’m impressed that at your age you have the courage to share like this. All of the people walking this earth that seem like they have it all together only seem that way because they are so afraid of their secrets getting exposed that they’ve become great actors.
Honest question: What is it about death that makes you think it is a better option? What do you believe waits for us on the other side of death?
You’re still a baby. I know it doesn’t feel like it because the world doesn’t treat you like it but you are. I’m in my late 20s and I’m just forgiving myself for things I did at 19. The fact that those things disgust you now speak to your growth into an adult. My first time attempting was 18 and I’m thankful everyday it was just an attempt. It will get better & the world is a better place with you in it! Think of the strength 25 y/o will have for overcoming this. When you overcome what you’re experiencing now you’ll be damn near bulletproof afterwards.
You have a lot to share and inspire in the world. The world needs more people like you that have remorse, empathy and compassion. You made mistakes and did things you regret. The pics when when you were young may feel like it was mistake but don’t get it confused with the fact that you were a victim of online abuse and exploitation. You are a good person and you deserve to be happy and proud of how far you have come to learn and grow . You a realizing things that take some of us a long time to understand. You will be able to help and influence many people behind you but you have to help yourself first. We are so hard on ourselves sometimes and it’s important to give yourself time and love. Keep pushing forward and things will get better. Remember nothing lasts forever. ❤️
This too shall pass
Put it behind you and start fresh, the past is behind you and not forward, the way you are looking for a reason
I highly recommend a therapist to help you process the trauma you have been through. Forgive yourself. It gets better. I recommend EMDR if possible. I am a therapist myself and I definitely am hearing some trauma. Please love yourself and get help. You’re worth it.
It takes guts to lay all this out. The fact that you’re reflecting like this at 18 shows you’re not the same person who did those things—you’re already on a different path. Keep going
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I think we might be in similar boats.(i am 18) I have a similar behavior/habit that I have been trying to shake since I was 15 I thought I finally got rid of it the last time I did which was about 6 months ago. But then one night, recently, it just happened again. So casually. Nothing was going wrong. I wasn’t particularly sad or lonely. I feel incredibly shameful and alone. I feel underserving of the joy and beauty of the world that I have experienced before. That being said. I have felt this way before and yet, after some recovery, things always got better. Its why I’m still hopeful. The beauty of the world is still within reach. Even if it isnt right now. I just need to learn to not throw it away when I get back to it like I have before. Anyway, I’m writing about my experience because I dont want you to feel alone or hopeless. Change is hard. Sometimes it feels like nothing is happening. In my experience, you just wake up one day and realize that you didnt think about the bad thing that you did. But it can take a long time for that day to come. Find solace in the fact that you want to change and that alone puts you a cut above a lot of the other people in the world. You lay in your own filfth because you see any improvement as something that you dont deserve. Its something I struggle with too. The only thing that keeps me cleaning and taking care of myself is the thought that there will come a day where I look back at who I was and feel pity. I’m trying to be that person right now; the person who feels pity for who I am and tries to help. You’re stronger than you think. You can change and that change is meaningful. I will dedicate my life if I have to to becoming the man I deserve to be and I hope you can find the same determination.
P.S. I know I didnt share my thing exactly but I will say this. Id rather have the loli thing than what I was getting into and that mine also involves a serious porn addiction.
P.P.S also, sometimes I try to find solace in strangers who have similar plights and I always find that they aren’t typically upstanding members of society. Its a little egotistical but I’m not trying to be rude I just feel that if I want to be better id like to see someone with my plight who is something I can still look up to in other senses. Because of that I want to let you know that I am actually pretty “chaddy” for lack of a better term. I’m charismatic, well-liked among my peers, intelligent, hard-working, kind, funny, handsome, muscular, strong-willed(in literally every aspect of my life except the sin that i struggle with) I honestly consider this flaw to be one of my only ones with any actual relevance to my life. Not to glaze myself. I just want you to know that im not some basement dwelling grifter who wont ever amount to anything.
Edit:my thing isn’t illegal btw just immoral