I (30sF) have finally asked my husband (41M) to move out. I blurted it out this morning, so there’s no turning back now. I’ve been wanting to do it for months, maybe over a year.
TW for mental health and abuse.
We’ve been together 14 years, married for (almost) 4. Living together for at least 7 years (long story, but University and career stuff got in the way). Things only really took a turn in the last year or 2 years for various complicated reasons, but the end result is my husband’s mental health has declined so drastically that he has become abusive (although he denies this), his behaviour has become erratic and incredibly worrying, and I no longer feel safe around him (again, he denies the fact I feel this way). It doesn’t feel like he exists anymore, and rather I’m talking to a bunch of mental illnesses in a trenchcoat. There is no sign of the man I married and loved under there. I never would have dated, let alone married, him if I knew or even suspected that he would engage in this kind of behaviour. He doesn’t seem to want to get better, and uses his mental health difficulties as an excuse to say and do hurtful things.
I haven’t mentioned it in previous posts (for fear of judgement, I guess) but I’m also pregnant, almost reached the second trimester. So it’s no longer about my safety and wellbeing, but the sake of our developing child’s as well, and that’s where I have to draw the line. I’m not allowing my child to grow up in an environment even slightly like the one I grew up in.
I, myself, cannot move out, so he would need to be the one to leave. For starters, I have nowhere else to go (I don’t have family to rely on, and I don’t have any friends), whereas he has multiple options, and in any case I need to be around for maternity-related appointments. He has no such ties, not even in terms of employment (given he’s not working and hasn’t done so in almost a year).
I hope he can recover, and we can pick things up again. I just know that he can’t do that here, and it benefits neither of us for him to stay here. I cannot provide him with the support he needs (I have my own severe mental health struggles to deal with) and I cannot risk him dragging me down with him. I don’t want this to be the end, but am prepared to accept that if reconciling is not possible.
I don’t know when he will be leaving, and I don’t want to push him too hard, but I will be asking for more details later in the week if he doesn’t bring it up himself.
Obviously, husband isn’t happy about all this, and the manipulative and insulting language has come out in full force today (of course, I don’t retaliate — I see no benefit in indulging that kind of behaviour). Now he’s giving me the silent treatment. As predictable as it is, it’s still hurtful.
I’m fully expecting messages from his friends and family criticising me for all of this, as well as further manipulation from my husband. After all, what callous, cold-hearted person turfs their mentally unwell, vulnerable spouse? Like, did she not take her marriage vows (“in sickness and in health”) seriously? You’re right, [husband], she is a horribly self-centred person!
This has all been a bit of a venting/ranting exercise, I guess, but I think what I’m looking for in posting is partly to seek a bit of reassurance that I’m doing the right thing, and a bit of advice in how to deal with the potential onslaught of further criticism and attacks (especially given my husband will likely seek reinforcements).
TL;DR: mentally unwell husband refuses to get help and uses his mental health as an excuse to be verbally abusive towards me. I no longer feel safe with him around and have asked him to leave, but I’m not exactly looking forward to what will (probably) come next.