I (24f) was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the beginning of 2023 . My boyfriend (23M), who I’ve been with since we were we were 17, has been amazing. He’s been with me through the whole thing, he’s literally been my rock and my entire world. I wouldn’t have gotten through it all without him.
After around 2 months of a mixture of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I was given the all clear. I felt really weird for the first few months after I was given the all clear, but that’s to be expected. But it never got better. Everything just felt off. I was having pretty bad mood swings, I felt emotionally numb, and my sex drive was gone not just lesser, like, fully gone.
My boyfriend didn’t push me at all. I’m not going to say he didn’t care, because obviously he did, but he hasn’t asked me once or tried to initiate since I told him how I was feeling.
I’ve definitely improved mood wise, but my libido is still completely dead. So a few months ago, I decided I should go to the doctor’s because it’s been a while since my tumor was gone, and I was still feeling off. They ran some tests and some scans, and they said it’s possible due to the location of the tumor, I could possibly have suffered permanent damage to my pituitary gland, but the scans weren’t 100% conclusive. All my other tests came back normal.
Here’s the problem. My boyfriends libido is high high. And so was mine before. We would do it usually twice a day. And since I was diagnosed over 2 years ago, we haven’t done anything at all. I have 0 drive. The idea of it makes me uncomfortable now, borderline disgusted. Not with him, just sex in general. He hasn’t pushed me at all, but we did talk about it, and he told me straight up it does suck not being able to have sex anymore, and he really does want it, but he wants me more than he wants sex, so he’ll be happy never having it again if it means he can be with me.
But the thing is, I don’t want him to give that up. He’s still young, I’m his first and only girlfriend. I don’t want that to be the extent of his sexual experiences for the rest of his “prime”, years. And if I take that from him, no matter how ok he says he is with it, I’ll feel really guilty.
I’ve played with the idea of him seeing other women in my head, but I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable with that. He’s definitely attractive and confident enough to do so, and I’m not completely against it, but Im not sure if I want to risk any potential jealousy ruining us. And I’m not sure he’d even agree to that.
So what can we do. He really wants sex, but he’s apparently happy to give it up for me, but I don’t want him to waste his prime sexual years with me.
Breaking up definitely isn’t an option, I know there will be some people suggesting that.
Thanks In advance everyone
Comments
No simple answer but clearly, he loves you. You could create a scenario where you control the correspondence between he & a female that you approve. Coordinate & accompany a visit at a hotel, and let him have meaningless sex once in a while.
well you’re more to him than a fucktoy – as it should be in any normal relationship. he will “waste” his prime years with you if he wants to and that’s it. you can give tons of blowjobs and become really good at it, best u can do.
Welp. Do you mind doing you only oral stuff? It doesn’t have to be penetration. I believe that’s all he needs and will love it
OMG, he is such a keeper! You are one lucky woman! Try reading sexy novels to see if they trigger anything. Also ask your doctor (Endocrinologist perhaps) about hormones.
Test if there are any stimuli that make you in the mood. Or any role playing that you find fun even if it isn’t sexually arousing – games, submission, dominance, dressing up
Let him have sex with other people
Have a threesome where you don’t have to do the more sexual stuff (eg just kissing)
Have sex if you aren’t in the mood
Do things other than sex sex (handies, blowies).
Have him watch porn
Reframe sex or blowies in your mind away from “sexual” and to “functional” or “activity” to reduce the queasiness.
Take any nausea medication to see if that dampens your queasiness during sex.
Become polyamorous
See a doctor or sex therapist (you should do this no matter what for your own sake regardless of what happens with your bf).
I dunno that’s what I got. Any of those sound appealing?
You should get a sex therapist
See a neuroendocrinologist & ask for hormone testing & follow-up imaging
Begin working with a trauma-informed sex therapist (solo, not couple’s therapy first)
Start journaling or voice-noting how you feel before and after moments of closeness (non-sexual)
Have a monthly check-in with your partner to maintain emotional closeness, not pressure
Explore online support groups for medical trauma recovery or sexual aversion post-treatment (there are others out there)
These are all from ChatGPT but maybe it may help. Hope u get the help and answers you need
Did you try watching porn?
You should see a sex therapist. Not sure they can help, but it’s worth a shot
First, let me just say, the depth of maturity this post expresses is really commendable at your age, and admirable at any age. I’m sorry for all you’ve been through and all you’re still going through.
I’m not sure what the answer is. You’ll have to decide that together. However, I can say with certainty that him going without sex is not one of the feasible options. That leaves just two other options.
The two of you find a way to engage with each other that’s enjoyable for both of you (Perhaps a sex therapist could help with this. You might find one that has experience with something similar.). It’s important you do this in a way that doesn’t make you feel violated. That would be a very difficult rift to heal from.
Or you open the relationship, and allow him to satisfy those needs somewhere else. This would also have to be done very carefully, and with a lot of planning and communication. If you decide to go this route, read a LOT about how these kinds or relationships work from people who live the lifestyle. There are many different ways this works, and you should learn about them all and set firm boundaries before pulling the trigger.
First: do you take any medication?
There are some that take away libido as a side effect. Your doctor should know that, but some don’t. If you do, google their names and “experiences”+”libido”.
Especially in the psychiatric and neurological field there are a lot of them. Changing medication cpuld be one possibility if that’s safe to to and after talking to your doctor.
Second:
I’m asexual. I’m married to a non-asexual person. I have a child.
I never had a real sex drive. That led to one traumatizing relationship when I was your age, because my ex of 20 years didn’t care and took whatever he wanted without asking or respecting the answer.
My husband is kind of like your boyfriend: he likes sex, but he likes me more. With a lot of patience and experimentation we found a way to meet both of our needs. I found out what is possible for me and he found out that sex is more than penetration (that’s not possible – there are other ways to become pregnant, even without medical assistance 😉 ).
Do you find pleasure in masturbation? Is it possible for you to orgasm? Practising might help a little bit finding back to something you liked before your illness.
And after all: if nothing of this feels right for you, then this is your way. I’m very glad, you are with a decent man who respects you.
I’m not gonna lie, a lot of members of the ace community don’t have a partnership with a non-asexual partner because it’s really hard to find a way of living together with such different needs. But there are ways.