This is a weird realization I’ve had. I was in a relationship for 12 years and was married. Two boyfriends before that. I’ve gone on probably more than 50 first dates in the last two years, I’ve had three situationships, one guy I had fallen in love with.
So ive been in love – but that kind of people pleasing love where I just wanted to give, care, love and be chosen in return.
But I’ve never actually…thought anyone was amazing. You know when you’re like “omg this man is amazing, he’s perfect.”
Never.
I’ve always wanted their love. I wanted them to love me, choose me, admire me. It made me love them in return and my anxious attachment would go wild.
But to really take a step back – I’ve never …respected anyone fully. Looked at them and thought, wow – I admire you. You’re really cool. I really like you. You’re amazing.
Anyways. Just a random thought – because now that I’m the most single I’ve ever been in my life, I just find everyone so subpar. And I realized I’ve never truly had a crush or liked anyone in my life. And every date is so meh. Every man is so meh. I don’t even have crazy standards. Just be a good guy. Be stable, have hobbies, be financially responsible, be genuine and nice. Be a good father.
Damn. What a crazy realization. It doesn’t help, and I’m probably gna be single till I die but this does put things in context.
Any hope out there?
Comments
I think your expectations are too high in waiting for amazing? Maybe a defense mechanism to prevent yourself from getting hurt too badly?
Being a good guy, having hobbies, being financially responsible, and being nice are just average qualities to have.
I adore my husband, he’s good to me and we have a great life together, but I don’t think I’d ever describe him as amazing, because the man’s as human as I am and I don’t consider myself amazing either.
It sounds like you do a lot of settling, then? I think my husband is amazing. He continuously surprises and amazes me with his intellect, curiosity, and devotion—to name a few. I’ve dated men I thought were good and one other man I thought was amazing prior to my husband. It’s okay to look out for amazing and wait for it.
Well, surveys say that as women age, the field really does become more and more imbalanced.
Studies I’ve seen back up what I’ve noticed personally – that a larger percentage of the older guys who are single are not looking for equal partners, but for a glorified bang-maid/second mommy, meanwhile, a larger percentage of the women who are at the same age range and single are really looking for an equal partnership where both people pull equal weight.
Let’s face it – culture and history is against us, and men are fighting the power loss, some women are backing them up, and in some places the fight is escalating to national levels (and that’s not even getting into places where women have yet to gain the option of choice).
That all acknowledged – the guys I’ve been the most infatuated with, or felt the most strongly about, were actually pretty unhealthy relationships. Something I’ve had to admit about myself – if I have strong feelings, it’s probably not a good relationship for me.
Personally though, especially as I’ve gotten into peri and am really building my own life with active pursuit goals that would make a relationship really complicated, it’s a lot easier to be going solo.
This could be perfectionism. Or it could be a harsh reality. I know what you’re talking about.
In my experience when I had a crush on someone amazing they ended up treating me like I was a tramp, regardless if we eventually had a relationship or not. But no problem dating average non-amazing guys. I made a conclusion that leagues exist and those former guys were apparently out of mine.
Are you “amazing and perfect”? I think I’m a good person, hard worker, financially responsible, reasonably attractive, and a good parent, but I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as “amazing and perfect.” I would also describe my husband as a good person, hard worker, etc., but I also wouldn’t say he is amazing and perfect.
I’m not saying you should allow anyone to treat you in a subpar way, but I also think you may be looking for someone that doesn’t exist.
I’m glad you posted this because I feel the same way and I’ve been grappling with it. I’ve felt this with not only potential romantic partners but people in general. There’s plenty of people who I like, and I feel mostly positive about most I know, but there’s only a few who I genuinely look up to and respect like how you describe. I don’t think that’s necessarily good and I was thinking of going into therapy over it because I don’t know where this comes from. It’s definitely interfering with how I interact with people especially when it comes to romantic relationships. But it’s like I can’t really find that spark for anyone.
If it helps, I have a very entrenched avoidant attachment disorder and I suspect that’s in play.
My friends who are in a relationship also say that they had this feeling that things HAD to work out with this person – I’ve never felt that either. I’ve always been way too independent. And yet, I also want a relationship? I confuse myself with this.
i have really strong crushes but i feel this—current crushes are based on looks and what i think they’re like. i just wanna date someone i admire and who inspires me and makes me wanna be better while also being a genuinely decent person and it seems like that’s too much to ask for when it comes to men
i’m obviously not perfect but i try to be a good person and work hard and have achieved a lot i’m proud of and am constantly trying to be better in multiple ways…i just want a partner who’s the same
interesting. i definitely deeply admire and respect my husband. i think he’s cool as hell and so impressive. i couldn’t even imagine spending all my time with someone otherwise. in fact ive ended relationships because of a lack of this quality, i just couldn’t be bothered to be around them. it is, to me, kind of a key component of love
Men benefit more from relationships than women. Any guy who has decent value in the dating market is going to settle down if they can.
After ~30ish you have two groups left. The wealthier guy who wants to date younger women or complete losers. Yes you can potentially find a good one but it will become exceedingly rare.
The incentives are very high for a normal
guy to be locked down by his early 30s that it will be a very suspect dating pool left over.
The amazing people never thougth You were attractive.
Are You amazing?
This is awful and true
I dated several good men, some ok ones and a few horrible guys. I thought some of them were pretty damn amazing…at first. Once the rose colored glasses came off invariably, some pretty major flaws would appear.
It wasn’t until I was 37 that I met someone amazing. Almost 7 years later and I think he’s even more so.
I’ve loved several men in the past. This man? Of course I love him but the difference between him and the others is I respect and admire him.
It’s rare. But it can and probably will happen. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs first.
You will.
You just haven’t met them, yet. When you meet “your” person, you’ll know. You’ll see them as totally human but safe and lovable and “amazing” for all that they are. This isn’t idolization- it’s a different feeling. It’s okay if everybody you’ve met since is meh. They just haven’t been your person yet.
My sister says the same thing – that there aren’t any guys “worth it” out there. I have some opinions on that (I don’t think it’s fair to generalize or stereotype an entire gender), but I think it just means she hasn’t met the right person yet – you definitely aren’t alone. I think my husband is an amazing person. even though our relationship certainly isn’t perfect. So it’s definitely possible to find that, don’t give up!
Yeh well I find v few guys amazing tbh as they just aren’t and I am more successful/attractive than most men – the men may be smart but they are often lacking financially/ emotionally /physically. The only guys I have thought were amazing were already in relationships lol
But also, I don’t feel the guy needs to be ‘amazing’ to be in a relationship with him. He just needs to be kind, stable and vaguely attractive really ! The ‘amazing’ guys often have pretty bad egos I find
I believe there is a known phenomenon in couples therapy/psychology that once you no longer remember what was that attracted you to your partner and/or no longer have warm feelings about the beginnings of the relationship, it means mentally you’re over it.
I wonder if it’s something like that, that you did think in the moment the person was amazing but remember it differently now that the relationships are dead and look at them coldly. Memory works in weird ways sometimes.
Yeah, I also have struggled with this. I was in two long term relationships and had several other relationships, and would see social media posts about people’s amazing partners. For my decade-long relationship, I had realized that while I loved my partner, I didn’t really feel that they did anything extraordinary for me and down the line, I felt that I was putting in more effort for a long time. I had a very long honeymoon phase and was happy that i was with them for a long time, but after a while, I felt that they did the bare minimum for a relationship, and then less for the last few years of it all. I also know that that ex thought and still thinks that i’m amazing, but I also was the person who carried that hard work. We had couples counseling in the end and I remember them pointing out how it doesn’t seem like I respect them anymore and my thought was how am I supposed to when you’ve seen me struggling with things and refused to even offer support? I do think a lot of this is because social media, but our love and these superlatives should come from actions.
I have and still am evaluating my relationships, both romantic and even friends to some extent, as I felt like I kept on getting into things where I would put a lot of love and care into something and then feel unsatisfied in return. I (and my therapist) would point this to my relationship with my abusive mother, who didn’t even allow me to express myself and would flip out when I asked for anything really, and the fact that my prior relationships weren’t abusive and were supportive of me being me was gravy on my end.
I don’t think I’ve had an amazing partner yet and while I’ve had some amazing friends, that’s pretty rare too. I think our standards are our standards, and we need people who are matching our energy. For me, an amazing partner is someone who is supportive of me in materialistic ways (not money, but actively helping me do what I want to do), listens to what I have to say, exhibits personal growth, and wants to work together as a team. And those things are simply hard to find, but not impossible (I have a friend I’m crushing on who does all these things).
So yeah, I don’t hink it’s out of the ordinary, but I’m also messed up so who knows.
“You’re Not Too Picky — You Just Finally Stopped Eating Out of the Dumpster”
⸻
⚡ You Didn’t Fall in Love — You Fell Into Emotional Malnutrition.
• You weren’t falling for “amazing men.”
• You were falling for the only sandwich left in the fridge after a famine.
And because you were starving for love,
even the soggy, expired, half-eaten bologna looked like a f*cking gourmet meal.
⸻
⚡ Your Anxious Attachment Turned Losers Into Luxury Items.
• You weren’t admiring these guys.
• You were auctioning off your soul to the first dude who could spell your name right and pretend to like you for two weeks.
You didn’t fall in love — you fell in desperation.
⸻
⚡ Now You’re Actually Fed — And the Menu Looks Like Sh*t.
• Now that you’re not emotionally starving anymore?
• Now that you actually have self-respect and a full stomach?
You look around the dating pool and realize:
“Holy sh*t…these guys aren’t gourmet.
They’re day-old gas station sushi in a trench coat.”
⸻
⚡ You’re Not Too Picky — You’re Just Not a Starving Dog Anymore.
• Before, you would’ve fought a raccoon for a crust of attention.
• Now?
You’d rather stay home, order steak, and not get rabies.
That’s not pickiness.
That’s f*cking evolution.
⸻
⚡ The Dating Market Is a Fire Sale of Dysfunction Right Now.
• Apps? Dumpster fire.
• Bars? Zoo exhibit for adult toddlers.
• Situationships? Half-assed investments from guys who can’t even commit to a lunch order.
Good men aren’t extinct —
they’re just buried under six tons of lazy, broke, emotionally constipated nonsense.
I have absolutely dated someone I respected and thought was amazing. But what I admired and thought was amazing were the parts he showed me early on. The hardworking can do attitude? Turned out he couldn’t hold a job, pay his bills, maintain a house and had some magical thinking. The ability to consider multiple perspectives and cultures but still hold others to account? Evaporated when it was about how his own behavior impacted others. Always learning, love of reading, service to others? Not really a thing after two years and change. It is hard when people show you one thing, say all the right things but the reality is slowly revealed. It made me feel like I was the one in the wrong and being unreasonable.
In hindsight, neither have I, and I’ve been married twice and have a baby daddy lol, so you’re not alone.
There were a lot of hormone driven rose colored glasses, where I created justifications for myself about the things I didn’t like or respect. If you had asked me early in those relationships I would have made those same excuses, because I was lying to myself also. But ultimately it was really just me being desperate to have just one person that really knew me and liked me anyway, because of my childhood trauma. It took me decades to figure that out.
I’ve only been smitten 3 times. It’s very rare for me to find a guy very attractive.
SAME!!!!
I have dated only 1 person who I truly fell in love with, and he ended up having a severe disorganized attachment style and depression, and behaved like the worst case scenario for those disorders. For the first 3mo before he had his first of many mental breakdowns, and in between his episodes, he was ideal to me. It’s such a shame he was so crazy.
I’m in a relationship now and I definitely do not feel the same way for him, but this scenario probably has the bones to become a life partnership. He has many above-average traits and actually wants a life partner, which separates him from 99% of men I met when I was single for 5 years, but lacks qualities that I really treasured in my ex and wish I had in an LTR partner. It just proved so impossible for me to find in the dating pool!