I’ve never felt “sure” about anything in my life

30F here. This is something I’ve felt since I was a teenager. I’m just so incredibly ambivalent. I’m never confident in my decisions – small or big.

I’m figuring out how to trust myself, but I think one of my main challenges here is my OCD interfering with my confidence in decision making. Constantly questioning if it’s the “right” thing.

Lately I’ve been feeling ambivalent about my relationship. Which makes me feel sick with guilt because I adore my boyfriend and we have a healthy relationship.

My therapist asked me if I see myself being with him forever. And my answer was honestly I don’t know – I’ve learned to not trust myself (especially) with relationships. I’ve been with men I thought I’d marry and it crashed and burned. But here I am with such an amazing man and I’m ambivalent.

What started this thinking was seeing really attractive actors in this show we’re watching, and I was filled with guilt for feeling this way. I haven’t “crushed” since we started dating almost 4 years ago. So it was just a surprising feeling I guess. But it triggered lots of guilt. I was picturing myself with some of these actors and wow I felt awful for doing this.

I used to date quite a bit in my 20s so maybe I’m just missing that new crush feeling. But surely this isn’t good. I feel sad and confused. My brain is going “you’re awful for being confused. End things.” But I don’t think I want to..

I’m looking for any advice, or if you’ve felt similar feelings. Or maybe some tough love. Thank you.