I’ve never felt that lust for my husband before we got married. I knew he was stable. I knew he would be there for me. He was safe and I loved him. I really did. I still do most days. But he made the comment that he has never felt “chosen” and it kind of broke my heart because he’s right. I didn’t choose him. I feel he deserves more than being with someone who is staying for the kids.
No advice needed. Just needed to say this out loud.
Comments
Why do you think this was the case?
Some people choose a safe option, because the possibility of being alone is just too much to handle.
My heart kind of aches for your husband. He deserves more than this.
It sounds like you need to work on yourself. It really is not greener on the other side. You must water the grass man.
Also, hell yes your husband deserves someone who is attracted to him.
I would rather stay single forever than get used for a family because I was stable
I didn’t lust for my husband but that doesn’t last forever. He’s my best friend and I think he’s amazing. I’m glad i never lusted for him because what we have is way better and longer lasting
Sheesh, poor guy. He definitely deserves more. But understand he was robbed by your choices as well.
Think about the future. Really. Think about your relationship. There is room for improvement and it could mean the world to him and you.
A lot of people will never experience love or relationships. As someone who will and have the ability to find new ones I don’t know why you’d settle for someone just because it’s safe. Now you both get to waste your time being where you don’t want to be.
You’re 100% right. Your husband does deserve more than someone who views him as little more than a glamorized safety blanket. I feel no sympathy for you, but my deepest sympathies go out to your husband.
Do you feel attracted to him? Do you get any sexual feeling when you are touching or intimate?
“Lust” and crazy sexual desire ebbs and flows in long term relationships. So I think it’s overrated. I don’t feel crazy “lust” for my husband anymore but I crave intimacy from him, in just touches, hugging, and obviously being fully intimate. But the crazy passion doesn’t last long often
Maybe try to make him feel like you picked him? Have you ever tried that.
I feel sorry for him and he deserves so much better than you. Too bad he couldn’t aim higher.
What a terrible thing to say. Maybe somethings really are better left unsaid.
Ahh the provider man
U should lie in this situation. Tell him u do list for him. Even if u dont truly feel it theres no hurt in lying about these things.
Lust is temporary. I’ve known people who lusted over the same ex’s they want to hit with a car now.
At which age did you “choose” him?
My heart breaks for men like your husband
Ive got enjoy a lustful and passionate romance that grew into a deep lasting love with my wife. Seeing men like your husband suffer women like you OP is just horrible to watch…
Imagine how you’d feel if your husband said the same about you 🤣
This is just sad and I don’t understand why you’d post something like this?
If you truly still love him – you have to create that lust now. Or cut him lose.
You don’t appreciate the blessings that you have. And you’ve held back your husband from the kind of love that he seems to ache for. You can’t control your desires – but I agree, he deserves more.
Poor guy
Awesome this is every man’s worst fear – failure even when it looks like it isn’t
You could develop that lust if you put in the effort. You have just never felt the need to deepen your relationship because he’s “safe”. But I promise you if another woman came along and put in the effort to make him feel “chosed” he would 100% start rethinking your relationship.
Try kissing him the next time one of you comes home from work and I don’t mean a “hey how was your day? Peck “Oh, that’s good.” I mean give an excited “He’s home!” Run up, throw your arms around him, and kiss him like you missed him.
The more you do things to cause your body to release endorphins in his presence the more excitement and love you’ll feel in his presence.
Even if you had lusted after your husband at one point in your relationship; if you stop doing all those sappy, loving, lust filled things you loose the lust.
The grass is always greener where you water it.
☕️
One day he’ll realize that losing you, he loses nothing… that’s the day he’ll choose himself.
Rooting for the husband 😉
Most dudes feel that way
Listen. You did choose him- for some of us our definition of lifelong love doesn’t include cataclysmic lust. You chose him based on your definition of love at the time you married him. Maybe that was stability or safety at that time.
I’ve had similar discussions with my husband – the type of love we desire from our partner is different.
Please take this energy you are putting into feeling bad for yourself and your husband and start putting it into building the kind of marriage you both want….when the foundation of love is there, you can build back better. Many of us don’t marry under the perfect circumstances. It comes down to what you do afterwards.
There’s also a good chance he doesn’t lust for you either but realized you’re what he could get, such is life.
Cut him loose and leave
Is it possible that you have responsive sexual desire? That’s me. I love my husband. I enjoy sex, but I wouldn’t be too upset about it if I was told I could never do it again. I don’t get randomly horny. About 70% of women don’t often get spontaneous sexual desire.
Knowing that has actually improved my enjoyment of sex, when we have it. I’m not broken because I don’t crave sex when I’m not doing it. I have always had a fair bit of performance anxiety about that when I have sex. I worry that my husband will be able to tell that I’m not really into it, and will think the problem is him. Now that I know this, I have less anxiety and enjoy it more. I’d still rather be reading or playing a video game, but that doesn’t mean there’s something terribly wrong with me.
Libido is a spectrum. Some people have more, some people (like you and me) have less.
I will take this to my grave in real life. I have never told anyone about it, and I never will.
I get a feeling that putting a high value on lust in relationship is somewhat immature. Mature love doesn’t feel lustful, it feels safe and even boring.
There are too many cases of women like you who merely choose a guy because he is nice, safe and stable. Hopefully someday a woman will choose him for the right reason.
I feel bad for your husband. Do yourself a favor and file for divorce and let your husband find someone who loves him, values him and puts him first.
I mean yeah, that’s kind of harsh to admit and it isn’t fair to him because he does deserve to have someone that genuinely wants and desires him, as we all do. What’s the point of a romantic relationship if you aren’t even attracted to the person? “Staying for the kids” is kind of bullshit because as they get older they will definitely see through the facade if you don’t have a great relationship or aren’t happy, and you’ll be teaching them to either “settle” or go for people that aren’t really that into them beyond what they could provide.
Then why did you marry him
Why don’t you start putting in that effort lady, he already is telling you WHAT HE NEEDS from YOU his wife, his partner in life. Grow up or divorce him and let him find someone better
Here’s the cold slap of reality: he has felt unloved for so long he has actually said something about it. For a guy like that to actually speak up that means he’s getting very close to the point of no return. If you don’t want to lose him you better start rewiring your brain and changing your behavior ASAP.
And seriously just clinging to a guy because you like the material benefits he provides? Yeah you’re a gold digger. Not even a trophy wife, just a gold digger. You should feel bad. Then you should work on being better. But work fast, time is running out.
Leave him and let someone else love him better ffs. Anyone would die to have a loving partner over a lustful one. You clearly don’t know his worth.
If my woman felt that way (especially after I brought it up) I’d want to know.
I feel bad for your husband bc I feel the same way as his. We got pregnant and I feel like that’s why he married me but continued to look for something better (finding that proof almost killed me)
Yeah same
So, who did you choose?
so you’re literally a gold digger then 😭 thats really sad your husband deserves someone who actually wants him
Girls desire lust, women desire stability. Not all before you jump at me but most. A lot of women I knew in their teens/20’s had fun played around got their hearts broken. Then when they wanted stable things like a house and a family went after the sensible option. But that option doesn’t excite them like the past did, it’s sad. I feel for your husband
Ok, everyone is ragging on the wife, yet, how about the husband who knew he was never “chosen” by her, yet continued to pursue this relationship with her? He proposed, he got married to her, and he had children with her. No one forced him to do all this, neither did she pretend that she lusted after him. He specifically said he never felt chosen.
He didn’t have the self-respect for himself to walk away, and the wife didn’t have the heart to break up with him and find someone else she felt better connected with. How is she the only bad guy here? He is an adult and he made his choices as well.
Yeah, I understand that. Lots of women end up in relationships like this. Don’t feel sorry for him, he’s obviously gaining something out of the relationship even though he doesn’t feel “chosen”, or he wouldn’t stay with you.
Besides, women don’t get chosen either. Most men don’t have any options to choose from.
You settled for him
When I realized I felt this way about my ex, I ended things immediately.
I was young when I met him and tbh had never even experienced full blown lust for a man yet when I met him so the absence of it wasn’t tangible to me.
So when I found myself feeling it for a man for the first time, and that man WAS NOT my partner I realized it would be cruel to continue with the relationship.
It wasn’t as complicated as things seem to be for you. We didn’t have kids and we were not married.
But I’ll just say that feeling genuine lust for my husband makes everything in the relationship easier. I can forgive him for mistakes and faults more easily, everything feels lighter, everything feels much more romantic. Even mundanity feels intimate because I look at him in our most boring moments and I feel a pull towards him and I think “I’m the luckiest girl in the world”.
You deserve to have that feeling and he deserved to be with someone who feels that for him.
“I still do most days” yeah you never did
God it’s one of my greatest fears that I’ll marry someone who just thought i was stable.
It does sound like you are unhappy and beginning to take him for granted. Glad you can admit there’s a problem
You know that npc redditor comment that goes something like “When I go out, I see all kinds of men with all kinds of women, touch grass incels”?
Yeah, theyre all made up of men like OP’s husband. If youre not sexually attractive you get settled for.
Make looksmaxxing your religion, sculpt your ideal self, so that you too will get lusted after, and not be the “safe” option.
It only “kind of” broke their heart, like he’s just a really good friend that is “kind of” sad. Smfh.
People like you truly ruins a persons life. Make the spouse feel like they have been living a lie for their entire marriage. And how many times have you lied to him telling him you did feel lust for him, or doing things leading him to believe those things. Poor guy
Dear God. That’s awful.
Yikes and they wonder why men are shying away from dating. Imagine being this poor left over sap, now OP’s going to fuck someone else and take half of his shit.
Could never be me.
Your husband expressed something to you that should have made you urgently do things to make him feel loved but instead you just made a post and make it sound like he’s some dude you reluctantly said yes to. If you have any ounce of love for him at all then give him a safe and clean as can be divorce so he can find someone that truly loves and lusts for him.
Also side note but ask any kid that grew up with parents that clearly weren’t in love and were just in it “for the kids” and they will all say they wish their parents just got divorced. “Staying together for the kids” does more harm than good.
Yikes
I’d prefer solitude over being someone’s second choice.
He deserves more than you. So does the next guy.
I feel for your husband. Been there.
Let this guy GO, he deserves someone who will actually give him the energy, time and effort he deserves
That’s why you shouldn’t get angry with the “other woman” you should take pause and reflect o. Whether you have passion for him because everyone deserves to feel that pull and that desire by a partner it’s such an empowering and amazing feeling but to live in a marriage where you don’t feel desired or seen truly my heart breaks for them (obviously that’s not what this is about and not all situations are like this but in this case I wouldn’t blame him.)
You sound horribly selfish, do him a favor and file for a divorce. Don’t take half his shit and give him 50/50 custody.
Is this my wife?