It’s hard to put this kind of situation into so many words without sounding like the man’s dreaded “girl best friend” while in a relationship. (I’d like to preface this with saying that I am a lesbian and have no interest in taking anyone’s boyfriend lol). Throughout my life, specifically from high school into adulthood, I’ve noticed many times when I feel like I find a good male platonic friendship, it all goes to shit the second a STRAIGHT man finds a girlfriend.
It’ll get to a point where I’d consider the man in question one of my best friends, we chat and play games everyday, they’re kind to me without making any weird advances, pretty much checking off everything you’d want in a platonic male friend as a woman! But then they find themselves in a relationship and suddenly every interaction toward me is passive aggressive, rude, or just straight up MEAN and INSULTING. I’ve tried to figure out why this happens to me time and time again, and I don’t feel like it’s an “insecure girlfriend” thing because a lot of times it would be a woman I’m already friends with who knows I’m a lesbian.
My working theory right now, is that with the time and interactions I have with these men, I am like a “placeholder” for a close female connection in their lives. I feel used a lot of the time when I feel like I’ve formed a genuine great friendship with someone and it evaporates in an instant. Like until they find a woman who wants to date them, they spend that time with me as an alternative. I’ve also noticed that many times when this happens, when they end up breaking up the man tries to resume our friendship like nothing ever happened. I’ve tried confronting this behavior before but am just met with “I’m not treating you any different”, and pretty much just being told I’m wrong.
Mostly I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or has any idea why this might happen :))
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It’s absolutely what you think. Couldn’t have used a better word, “placeholder”. It’s sad.
Same here! Lost a lot of male friends this way. Or the classic: “I want to get in your pants but will play the slow game for years, and when I play my move and get rejected, we won’t be friends anymore.”
Both really hurt, honestly. Now I’m married, and it does work as a deterrent to these types of men, but Gods does it suck to have hobbies that a lot of men have.
I agree with your theory. I feel like they kind of see you as their ticket in case they find no one.
I have this guy friend who would talk to me loads when he’s in an open relationship and/or about to breakup with a girlfriend. Then as soon as he gets a new girlfriend, a period of radio silence (even if I try to strike up a conversation, he would just hit like it and never reply) until the relationship turns sour.
I’m guilty of this on both ends. I prefer not chatting with female friends if I’m in a relationship, or if they are. It just doesn’t feel right.
On the other hand, many of us are known to dip from contact with our male friends too, might not always have to do with you being a woman.
You’re on to something though. I have definitely sourced female connection from platonic girl friends. I don’t see that as a bad thing.
This also happens when platonic women friends get into relationships
> I don’t feel like it’s an “insecure girlfriend” thing because a lot of times it would be a woman I’m already friends with who knows I’m a lesbian.
it often doesn’t take many “insecure girlfriends” to train a man to do this preemptively, with any new girlfriend.
> when they end up breaking up the man tries to resume our friendship like nothing ever happened.
i don’t think it’s uncommon for friends to have periods when they talk and periods when they don’t. do you, resume the friendship, or do you “punish” him for having been unresponsive?
This is why I’ve all but given up on having close male friends of my own other than my Kinsey 6 gay male friends. I’m friendly with my husband’s straight male friends and my female friends male partners, but even with them I do try to keep a safe emotional distance.
It seems like being platonically close to a straight guy always leads to some type of eventual ickiness that transpires and I’m getting too old to keep signing up for nonsense.
My best friend is a guy. We lived together for nearly a decade and actually stopped because his court ordered therapist called it codependent. But also, he has a mental difference that apparently make him indifferent to romance. We were always just best friends, but I had climbed into his bed with nightmares after I was raped, and then he stayed with me at my parents after and they put him in the same room with me. He initially slept on a pool float on the floor, but my parents said to share the bed.
It was always completely platonic, and he was actually the only guy that my ex husband would allow me to talk to.
THAT BEING SAID, I would have stopped sharing a bed with him had he got a girlfriend.
It’s super common for guys to invest most of their social energy into a gf. So they drop away from both male, and female, friends, when they get partners
The rudeness though, that’s something else
I have noticed this with women freinds too, some people get so wrapped up in the new relationship they dump freinds.
Also, with men, I think they often dont actually value friendships with women.
its what you said, a placeholder, and possibly they hope for something sexual. you being a lesbian wouldn’t stop that.
Yes, placeholder is the perfect word. I have a male friend who is just like this. After a few times I just became unavailable.
It’s very frequent for people to withdraw from social circles once they get a partner to some extent.
Some people take this to the extreme where they basically “disappear” and “reappear” in social circles depending on whether they’re currently in a relationship – these people usually suffer from some form of codependency issue. It’s very hard to be friends with these people. Sometimes they realise what they’re doing and get better but mostly they repeat their cycle until they’re left with no social circles at all.
However what isn’t usual at all and completely unacceptable is this “mean and insulting” behaviour you’re describing. You say it’s been happening to you “time and time again”? I personally don’t know any precedence for why multiple different people would consistently act in that way. Is there a specific personality trait these people have had that you could point to? Is there a particular type of scenario where the mean and insulting behaviour manifests in? I would love to know more!
I’ll tell you!
It happens because they’re only being nice to you so that they can try to fuck you. The instant that’s no longer a concern, the charade drops.
As an old man, I disagree with your “placeholder” status
However, even I have seen similar behavior. Friend that had dinner with once a week for years – poof. Totally gone. No phone, email, nothing. Suddenly reappears – broke up with her. Hey, dinner on Weds? Yeah. Sure
So that aspect is consistent regardless of the gender of the friend. As to the aggressive BS, that is normally (I ain’t no shrink here) related to their GF and her attitudes. The toxicity of their relationship affects everyone else they deal with, friends, foes, girls, boys
Men just refuse to learn how to grow up
That sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know I and most of my friends have been guilty of withdrawing from friendships regardless of gender when entering new relationships. I definitely have a female friend who I would pull back from more when she or I got into relationships, because there was a history of feelings there. We went on a few dates when we first met but wanted different things and decided to just be friends. Nothing physical ever happened but our friendship was often rather flirty. We would both genuinely be happy when the other found someone and got into a relationship, but I think it just felt right to back off and give those new relationships space to avoid blurring lines. I’ve been with my wife for 15 years and my friend and I are still friends, but the flirting stopped long ago for obvious reasons. But that’s my experience, not yours.
While I can understand people getting wrapped up in new relationships and having less contact with old friends, there’s no excuse for your supposed friends to be rude to you. Nor can I offer any insight into why they might be doing that. I don’t know what’s going on there, so all I can offer is my sympathy. That sounds incredibly shitty and I’m sorry you’re having to go through that.
>I am like a “placeholder” for a close female connection in their lives
Bingo!
It could definitely be the ‘placeholder’ thing, but I will also say that my best (male) friend has had this happen multiple times with his platonic female friends when they get into relationships. I think it’s pretty common and it’s hard to know the motive for sure. It probably depends on the person.
I’m wondering if it isn’t like some heterosexual relationships where the man’s personality changes once he has the woman “trapped”. In this case, he doesn’t have to put on a mask anymore because his emotional needs are being met by someone else. Maybe, idk.