I’m 32F. Been in an extremely toxic, perhaps emotionally abusive relationship for the past 4.5 years. And I allowed it to ruin everything in my life. I was so in love and blinded by this man that I gave up friends, gave up my financial freedom, ran myself t into debt, put my dogs at risk, put my own safety at risk trying to save the relationship. Now, we’re separating for the sixth time and I’m determined not to get back with him. However, I’m in a ton of debt, I have no job or potential opportunities, I’m moving back into my mom’s house. I have completely tarnished my reputation in my known circles because of slacking off commitments the past 4 years.
Prior to this relationship, I was a kind, empathetic, contentious person. I worked hard at my job, kept up promises, was kind to people, and generally very pleasant. I was also extremely financially prudent. Now I’m a person I don’t recognise and would honestly hate if I were to meet me.
I’m terribly depressed, terrified of how to navigate this and swim back ashore. Any advice or stories from people who navigated something similar? How do I build back up again without losing my mind and ensuring I don’t return to this person whatsoever?
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This was me. But you sound in a way better place than I was. I hit rock bottom when we broke up.
It takes time. It will take years for you to get on your feet again. Enjoy them. Don’t compare your life to what it “should” be. Bask in the life you have now. How wonderful that you have a mother you can live with. How wonderful that you have this time to create the life of your dreams.
Hey, you only spent 4 years like this and you are still pretty young to be starting over. It sucks now but you’re going to be okay!
I really relate to what you’ve written. The fact you’re aware of it and determined not to go back is already huge. That’s self respect in action.
I’m 35F, single for a year now. I left my ex after 8 months of living together (thought he was the love of my life too, until reality hit). I ended up with a lot of debt, some of it because of him. I’ve been chipping away at it, paid some off already, still learning how to live within my means. My focus now is clearing credit cards and then tackling one loan so I can eventually get a mortgage.
What’s helping me is not trying to “fix everything at once” but focusing on small wins. Things like sticking to a realistic budget, or getting back into routines that make me feel like me again. It’s slow, sometimes frustrating, but it really does get lighter with time.
You’re not broken. I’ve made some poor choices too, and now I’m dealing with the consequences, but if I stick to a plan, I know I’ll manage. It’s not easy at all, but it’s definitely not impossible. Some days are better than others, and that’s okay.
Hope I’ve learnt my lessons and matured a bit.
Good luck! You’ll succeed, rooting for you 🤗
Omg, I hate this for you! Disconnecting from your core values and feeling disappointed in the person you’ve become is not a nice feeling, I can totally relate.
That said, I think you’ve already made a huge step in the right direction. Recognizing the damage your relationship has inflicted, removing yourself from the situation, vowing never to go back – these are all huge realizations that put you in a position to move forward with your life!
I think the key to your future success lies in your attitude and mindset. You can recognize the reality of your situation without internalizing it as an indictment of who you are as a person. You’ll have a harder time setting goals and achieving positive outcomes if you constantly ruminate on your past mistakes and missteps. Consistently negative self talk could lead to lower self esteem, which may drive you back into your exes arms – which is the very thing you’re trying to avoid.
Start by setting small, achievable goals – like revising your resume, creating a budget, or helping your family with domestic tasks. Watching yourself succeed and stick to these goals will improve your confidence and start healing your negative self image – which will in turn make further positive outcomes more likely!
You’re not the worst person in the world. The mistakes you’ve made are not irreversible. Don’t let the past dictate the future – people will trust and believe in you again once you’ve demonstrated that you’re dedicated to making things right.
Xo