I have a male coworker who I am convinced is jealous of me/my life.
He likes to do the below in front of other coworkers with a very slight sarcastic undertone and smirk. It’s the worst because everyone can sense the taunting but he does it ever so slightly you can’t call him out for it. Someone like him is in a leadership role.
He keeps asking what my husband does for a living and his position and when I reply he’s a SVP he going ohhhhhhh. He knows the answer because he’s asked numerous times throughout the years. He just likes asking.
He insists on forgetting my Husband’s name even though he’s hung out with him multiple times throughout the years. He keeps calling him names like Tom, Brad, etc even though my husband’s name is John. Like it’s John. It’s not Broderick or Caspian or something.
I talk about my toddler a lot even though I try not to. He always brings it up with a sarcastic tone like “oh what’s the new update on insert name, we haven’t heard about them in while” “oh yeah because you’re married.” Like okay it’s not my fault I have a happy family?
He asks me constantly about my finances like how much I purchased a certain property for or how much my car payment is. When I say we don’t have a car payment he goes ouuuuu and goes oh you drive “insert luxury car name” right? Even though he knows the answer!
I know he does this on purpose because when we were close he hinted to me he does this to another male coworker of ours. He goes you drive a “Benz” right? Smirk because that coworker mentioned it ONCE. Coworker replies “oh no a Porsche”. He goes “ohhhhh” smirk He likes to say the incorrect thing slightly so you correct him and look like you’re bragging.
I also suspect he has a problem with other men or feels very threatened because he has issues with all guys at the office unless they are contractors or co-ops or very immature/clueless. He never likes to hire other males especially articulate/well rounded/(I’m sorry but also tall/handsome) candidates. He likes them if they are slightly dumb and submissive.
I’ve dealt with catty women before but this is a first for me. Does anyone have a similar experience? How did you deal with it?
Comments
Just use his male tears to make you more powerful. Soak it up! Bask in it!!
I’d just start turning it back on him. He asks you again about your car, answer and say “You drive an X right? Ohhhhh”. Start getting his wife’s name wrong (if he has one). Your finances are none of his business, however, ask him about his finances, too. If he is normalizing that shit in the workplace, he’s given carte blanche for you to do it too.
You could also kill him with kindness and/or act dumb. If he asks about your baby, sarcastic or not, tell him. If he “forgets” your husband’s name, just roll with it and say “John has been doing yada yada”. Correct his ass in a “nice” subtle way. If he asks what car you drive, tell him. You’re just answering his questions, right?
Or, you know he knows these things. Maybe express concern for his lapses in memory. An “are you okay? You seem to be forgetting a lot of details and repeating questions lately.” could be a subtle way to call him out. It’s risky, but this is where I’d go.
There is always HR too.
I lean into that shit. I can be real petty but disguise it as vapid friendliness.
Ask me about something and I can tell you don’t really care? I’ll get into the nitty gritty details and continue the conversation even if you try to walk away.
Don’t remember my spouses name? I’ll start asking if you have regular memory lapses or start mentioning resources to counter cognitive decline.
He is jealous. I would gray rock him. He wants the attention.
I dont talk about my personal life at work ever. Tell this guy to shove it
“How is that relevant right now?”
“Why do you ask?”
“That’s a strange question.”
“That’s not an appropriate question.”
“We’ve had this conversation before and I’m not going to have it again.”
“I’m not discussing my personal finances at the office.”
“Stop asking about my personal finances, it’s weird and intrusive.”
Don’t feed the creep. Don’t awkwardly smile or laugh at his antics. Don’t even try to make it a normal conversation. Give him nothing. Every time he asks a personal question, give him a look like he just walked into the office in a clown suit or dumped a bowl of pasta over his own head and shut him down. Don’t give him whatever info he’s after.
I had something similar where I used to live. They don’t stop. He was an acquaintance. I said something politely to him when he started dumbing me down. There aren’t words how awful he got. He was a lot younger than me. He started talking to me like a “dumb little thing” then after I said something, he started playing the mean / nice game. I did everything in my power to ignore him or gray rock and he would laugh in my face. One time I was out somewhere and talked to him like the stupid little child he was and when I got outside, there was something thrown on my car. I think it was because of someone I was dating, even though the “bully” wasn’t interested in me. The person I was involved with had a really nice life. The ironic thing was my relationship ended and the “bully” wound up getting married and they had a child. I doubt he was jealous of me – I think it was meant as a “ha ha” from a guy that had nothing to do with anything in my life.
You have to be more than careful when someone is nasty for no reason it can become really bad. My guess is he wants you to flip out and get fired and he would think that’s really funny. What I would do is write everything down and say I want this in my file at work and explain what is happening. Ask for advice and tell as many people as possible. Always have things in writing. I was lucky he moved, but I would’ve had to have done something if he didn’t.
We live in a different world where people can get away with stuff. People didn’t used to act like this for no reason and now it’s extremely common. Be really careful.
Bro is cripplingly, toxically insecure. Which, there’s nothing wrong with insecurity itself, everyone has some. But he’s making it everyone’s problem in his attempts to soothe himself and feel bigger. And he’s doing so in a way that’s detrimental to your work and office culture. Which IMO makes him fair game.
I’d make his insecurities the joke, with the other people he does it to. You know who he feels threatened by. Use that.
Next time he gets up to his snide little tricks, call it out. Not angrily. Mockingly. Eyeroll. To one of his targets. In a “there he goes again with this little routine” way.
Name the behavior. Laugh at it. Get your coworkers used to acknowledging that he does this.
Make him feel more insecure about this behavior being seen than he is about being poorer or shorter or uglier or less successful than the rest of you. He’ll either stop or he’ll crash out or leave. Doesn’t sound like he’d be much of a loss to the organization either way.