We had our baby! It has been a crazy week – emergency c-section and baby was in NICU. My previous posts I mentioned that my JNMIL had been pushy about being at the hospital. We decided not to tell her until after baby was born and are waiting a week or two for visiting.
We updated our whole family after LO was stable in NICU and I was stable in postpartum room. She asked if we had pictures and we said “Sorry, no he is in NICU and we are waiting to see him” and she immediately freaked out and was like “WHY ARE YOU NOT WITH HIM?! WHY ARE THEY KEEPING YOUR FROM YOUR SON?!” Which was not true at all. We were allowed to go see him anytime 24/7, but we were a little busy and I kind of wanted to stop throwing up and feel my legs first.
Thankfully, she honored our requests regarding visiting, but the communication has just been horrible. It’s a constant barrage of text messages saying “It’s taking everything in me not to get in my car and drive to the hospital right now.” “It’s so hard not to be there.” “I am so eager to hold him.” This was AFTER we told her that we would send updates and we would appreciate some space and for her not to text us first. When we didn’t respond she texted my mom complaining about how hard it is for her.
Meanwhile, we’re going through A LOT and I’ve barely held my child just because he is hooked up in NICU and c-section pain has been difficult. Plus, while my DH is a rockstar Dad, it’s a lot to deal with emotionally knowing that he is taking on the majority of the care right now. I wish I could do more, but I don’t want to over do it. So JNMILs text messages about “how hard it is for her” is just a bunch of selfish bull crap. Like, I’m sorry, are we supposed to emotionally soothe you right now? We’re a little busy…
We have been nice and sent her daily updates but I finally snapped when we sent her a video of LO making cute baby noises and she texted back “He’s saying ‘Dad, why hasn’t grandma held me yet?!” I responded with “Because even his mom has only held him three times…”
It’s just funny to me how much JNMILs don’t change, even in the most sensitive of circumstances. Everything is always about them. I’m thankful for this group and how it’s helped me set my expectations straight to deal with all this. Going forward I’m going to continue to work on being more forward with her. Taking my baby home has filled me with a new sense of “I’m in charge here” and she’s just going to have to deal with it.
*Note: I know that everyone here recommends that only DH text her, and we tried that at first, but then I started giving updates and I felt like it communicated more that I was in charge too. But I can see how that applies more to babies/parenthood and not just JNMIL relationships in general.
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Other posts from /u/Soft-Sheepherder1221:
Anyone else tired of constantly saying no and mentally bracing themselves for JNMIL attempts?, 1 week ago
Preparing for birth boundaries with JNMIL, feeling uneasy about recent encounter, 1 month ago
Share Your MIL Baby Shower Outburst Stories, 1 month ago
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She sounds like my MIL. Before we cut contact, she’d continually bring up the fact that she didn’t meet my first son right away because he spent 4 weeks in the NICU during Covid. My 2nd son had to be taken from my room to the NICU and she actually had the balls to ask, while he was being wheeled away, if she would get to hold him tomorrow. All she ever was interested in doing was cosplaying an involved grandma and I’m so thankful my husband finally saw her behavior for what it is.
Can you consider muting her texts just until you get out of the hospital and get settled? This isn’t good for you. You need to heal and focus on the baby, so being involved in conversations like this isn’t good right at this moment.
Congratulations to you, OP! You’ve got this!
DH and I were talking last night about how prevalent these JNMIL traits are. It truly BAFFLES us, especially as people who always try to put themselves in other people’s shoes. For instance I’m the type to assume that my sister, who’s a SAHM, is having a hectic day wrangling her two toddlers. So I’m never going to call her out of the blue on a random weekday to vent about my problems like an insensitive POS. But these JNMILs don’t even consider that you could be going through a lot in the hospital while baby is in NICU after giving birth, it boggles the mind!
I’m having my baby soon, and if my JNMIL tries to blow up my phone while I’m recovering/bonding with the baby, she is getting left on read because she is NOT a priority and needs to know that the world does not in fact revolve around her.
Maybe it’s the asbestos of these women’s generation or something because we all seem to have the same JNMIL.
It so inappropriate for her to be expecting attention, support and sympathy from you right now, and if you wanted to loose it on her like, oh really? It’s hard on her? Well obviously this whole situation is just very easy and not at all difficult for you with a baby in the NICU and a difficult birth so maybe she wants to consider who she’s expecting pity from right now. Baring that, block her. (Or send that, then block her) She isn’t entitled to any of your energy right now.
The next time she says something about herself “I know this is hard for you. Can you imagine how hard this is for us? To have him in the NICU, worried for him, not be able to be with him all the time? Thank you for your concern.” Probably best not to add “azzhat” at the end lol.
Congrats, OP!
First off, big hugs. I know how hard it feels after a c-section and the stress of baby in the NICU. My MIL chose to start a fight with my mom in the waiting room of the NICU while I was having an emergency c-section a month early. Your husband needs to tell MIL that all contact is through him right now. You don’t need this stress. You need to be solely focused on baby and healing. Let him deal with her. He needs to tell her in no uncertain terms when you are ready for visitors he will let her know.
Stop the information highway. It’s obvious she has the need to be the center of attention, no matter what the situation. So stop! Communicate only what is absolutely necessary and what you expect. Nothing more. Let her cool her jets, stop responding and explaining too. It will save your sanity.
Ha when we had a medical emergency I finally told my mil to complain out, not in. Complain to someone who is less involved in the situation, not the people experiencing the situation.
“Oh im sorry MIL that you’re having a hard time. Let me just not think about how I just had emergency surgery and my child is in the NICU right now fighting for their life. But don’t worry, we know YOU are having the hardest time.”
Have you or DH ever just straight up told MIL that [whatever you are going through at the time] is not about her? She needs to be put in her place in words and actions. Tell her once and then let your actions reinforce the message.
DH: “MIL, enough of this. You have tried to make our pregnancy and childbirth all about you. We are not indulging you anymore. We are going to mute our phones for the next [time] while we focus on caring for LO and adjusting to becoming a family of three. We will reach out when we are ready for you to visit.”
If she tries again, be a little firmer. “Continuing to push after we have already told you our plans and priorities will not make us open our home to you any sooner.” Then no more engagement until you and DH agree you are both ready to talk to her and consider hosting her.
When she visits, the second she tries to make the visit, your childbirth, or LO about herself, DH tells her to knock it off. If you think you should tell her instead or DH is not present to hear her, you tell her. One warning, and that is it before she is told to leave and the visit ends.
Now, go and enjoy your LO! Congrats on your growing family.
You are like a phoenix 🐦🔥 rising as a new mom ready to be in control. I loved your line about self soothing her because what a selfish view of the situation. There was no worry about you, just me me me! Such a glimpse into what you are dealing with here.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You might consider controlling your contact for a while. Maybe send her something like this:
MIL, we know you’re focused on what you want and what you feel that you’re missing. We’ve tried to give you the attention you want but it’s hard. This is a very stressful time for us and we need to focus and prioritize our needs and our child. So, we’re going to stop reading & replying to you until X date. We appreciate your understanding and will try to communicate more frequently at a more reasonable time.
If you need to respond to her, all you have to say is “stop being selfish, this isn’t about you”. That’s it.
Good luck, and congrats on your precious little one!
Send a text to everyone who’s bugging you too much (including MIL) saying that you’re both really busy with baby’s needs and SO’s recovery. We appreciate your messages, but we need to focus right now, so we will only be responding once a day/once every two days/next week (whatever works for you). Then ignore all texts until the appointed time, and send out some kind of generic response. If MIL gets upset, let her know that her incessant texting is the reason for this rule and you’re now giving her a one week time out until she stops pestering you.
Motherhood can give us the kick in our ass we need as long as we don’t fall for all the obligations people put on us (namely expecting us to trot the baby around like a trophy to be held by everyone). I hope you hold on to this feeling and do what you need to as a mom! Congrats on the baby, I hope your recovery goes well and your son is healthy. Turn your phones off for a week, I promise you it is GLORIOUS quiet