Hello all,
I am going through a tough situation right now and while I am actively sourcing a therapist to talk through my feelings, I wanted to come here and hear about your experiences that I can learn from.
I know this page is about JNMIL and it is about my JNMIL. I have gone NC a little over a year now.
My JNMIL is in the hospital for the second time recently because of a medical issue. She’s an alcoholic and a chain smoker for more than 20 years now. We are talking several drinks and smokes a day here, everyday.
My husband has been venting to me about her medical issues and it was hard for me to be the source of comfort for him as he was not a source of comfort to me for all the times that JNMIL had insulted me. Without thinking, I mentioned to my husband that her lifestyle choices lead her to where she is now. He did not want to hear me criticizing her choices and felt that I was insensitive. I realized what I had said and I apologized afterwards, but this is tough.
This is someone who was racist, did not waste any time insulting me on every visit over the years, threatened not to come to our wedding and did not even care to sincerely apologize after all this time to name a few and on the other hand, this is my husband’s mother at the end of the day. He fears that this is the beginning of the road for her decline. He even asked me if I would come to her funeral in the future and I said yes to appease him in the moment. I mean, I have not even thought about that.
I know now to just support him and to be there for him. We agreed on me not talking about my MIL from now. For those of you who have gone NC with your JNMIL, how are you navigating the path forward when they have a serious medical issue?
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Have you told him why you are having trouble being his source of comfort regarding her – because he chose not to protect you, chose not to support you, and allowed her to treat you poorly?
This is where actions, his actions, have consequences.
Maybe if he acknowledged his past mistakes and apologized, you would have an easier time supporting him. But until then I absolutely understand how you feel.
I recently told my husband that I would never want to spend holidays with his sister after his parent’s die. He was initially upset until I reminded him that actions, his actions, of never saying no to her, of sacrificing me and us for years so as to never displease her, have consequences.
He was able to acknowledge his wrongdoing and dropped the subject, knowing that it was he who caused this problem. And now when he complains about her or his mother, I have no problem supporting him through it.
You are correct that this will be hard for you bc of how she treated you. Your feelings are very valid.
Have you heard of the Circle/Ring theory in psychology?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)
He’s going to “dump” on you but you shouldn’t (would be best not to) dump on him. You take your feelings and find someone else less attached. But you could also encourage him to talk to others because it’s not fair to you to be the soul receiver of his issues.
The hardest part I can imagine is when he starts romanticizing his mother (rewriting history), but you know what she’s really like. That’s when your answers can be “This is very hard for you.” In the end, you are supporting your husband and remember it’s still his mommy (which he seems to blindly support) and this too shall pass. Oh, and the other thing I found frustrating was suddenly my husband wasn’t around to do his share of work. I found giving him specific tasks to be very useful. Send him grocery shopping with a list, pick up the kids, etc. And also, I just managed my expectations to know that he would be at the hospital for a chunk of time during the evening after work.
If you are not allowed to talk about MIL, then maybe he shouldn’t be either.
It’s understandable that he should want support in this difficult time, but for him to expect that support to come from you, when she treated you so badly over the years, is not fair to you.
First, husband and I are on the same page about MIL and her horrid treatment of me, of him, and of everyone, basically.
I won’t step in to help her directly, but I support him. I’m a shoulder to cry on for him, and when she has a GI bleed a few years ago that got all over her white carpet, I helped him clean it up with a carpet cleaner and have generally been there for him in anyway that doesn’t directly involve him. I feel empathy for him, but could give two shits about her or what she’s doing through.